Survived another round of tornado sirens. Everything around is still intact that I can see. Remember, tornadoes have the darkvision trait, have maxed out initiative, and a ridiculous stealth critical multiplier. It helps to be prepared.

Now, time for sleep.   

#ScribblesOfAKat

Re: Poll about defining Masturbation

https://lgbtqia.space/@h3mmy/115415768413814322

A bit delayed, but I'm here to summarize the results of the poll. It was a popular one! I appreciate everyone who responded and I'm especially grateful for the folks that explained their responses and answered my curious yet quite personal questions.

I have found the best formula for survey style polls is using a agree-disagree true-false sort of paradigm. Often when crafting these statements, I run into the character limits on the options. So, this data is limited by how polls are implemented but I still feel they have value. Especially to me (because I'm constantly curious)

90% of responses agreed that manual stimulation of one's own erogenous zones fits under the definition of masturbation. Based on a lot of the comments, I'm inclined to believe the remaining 10% here wanted to draw the distinction between simple manual stimulation, and manual stimulation + an additional factor. The additional factor was a variety, but commonly seemed to be either sexual intent, arousal intent, or stimulation that actually led to orgasm.

Only 34% of respondents felt that manual stimulation of someone else's erogenous zones constituted masturbation. I suspect most of the difference came from considering another person being involved as sex and specifically considering masturbation as a boundary. There was some divided opinion when it came to acting as a stone top vs not and that little nuance is something I found notable. You can expect further scrutiny via a future poll.

47% of respondents considered physical stimulation as required for masturbation. I really thought this number would be higher, but I think I understand some of the divergence. The implication is that 43 to 53% of folks consider masturbation scoped outside the space of simple physical stimulation. As such it's the "additional factor" that I mentioned in the first response note.

Only 18% of folks consider physical arousal as required for masturbation. This seems to be a few different types of folks based on my conversations.

Some folks consider manual stimulation without physical OR mental arousal as "fidgeting, etc." rather than masturbation. This leads to an additional curiosity of how one would describe this to someone else. Like if I said I'm here sitting and fidgeting with my genitals, but it's not masturbating, there would be a selection of folks who'd think I was just being silly about my use of words and I was actually masturbating. There may or may not be an overlap with the folks that would request that I livestream for further analysis. Is there an appropriate alternative word to use here that gets the full context across? I'm genuinely curious.

Some folks with penises remarked that it was impossible for them to consider masturbatory stimulation without physical arousal. Some vulva owners also mentioned this, but they were a smaller portion of respondents based purely on the subset messages I exchanged.

4% of folks agreed with the rather jokey option of Allos requiring hands to masturbate. I don't remember what the original sentence was but it was rephrased during the trim to the number of allowed characters.

51% of folks consider mental arousal as not required for an act to be considered masturbation.

52% thought the same for mental stimulation. These were interesting. Some folks consider the whole act as interconnected and all parts need to be active for it to "work."

Talking to some of these folks, it became clear that the division seems to be where some folks have a more "snugly coupled" mind-body connection. Masturbation is an integrative experience for them, and they found it difficult to imagine themselves in a dissociated experience of masturbation (valid). I do find it interesting that the numbers are roughly half of respondents, and do feel it warrants further scrutiny.

32% of folks agreed with the statement that mental stimulation itself was enough to consider something masturbation. Even without physical stimulation. A lot of this seemed to be premised on the mental stimulation being sexual and intentional. Some of the folks I discussed this with further did have very nuanced takes and I appreciated the perspectives involved.

18% of folks considered masturbation to be always pleasurable and the same percentage felt that a climax was the goal. I found these numbers interesting in the context of the 43% of folks that consider masturbation to be always sexual. There is a range here where some folks focus on the intent and not necessarily the results. And some folks consider outcomes and intent as both being required. I suspect there are plenty of folks that consider simply trying to achieve a goal counts for masturbation, and some consider the goal to be pleasure rather than a climax. And then some consider the goal to be "making the flesh vessel less annoying to exist in" which foregoes any pleasure based goals as a requirement. There are more, but I can't feasibly list them all out in one go.

Only 20% of folks believe they need to be mentally present for masturbation. I'm curious how many folks consider being in a "fantasy" to be mentally away vs present. For folks that have snug-coupling of body and mind, this seemed to be a tricky thing to think through. Focusing on sensations and being more present in the body seemed to be more necessary for folks in less snugly coupled situations. I found that an interesting distinction and intend to refine the questions more before a thorough discussion.

24% felt that masturbation had to include genitals versus any erogenous zone, or versus purely mental stimulation without physical stimulation. This number is roughly where I expect based on the other responses.

12% of folks responded with agreement to "It's only masturbation if it's horny" which is partially a joke along the lines of "it's only champagne if..." But it's also a bit of a validation scale when analyzed in conjunction with the other prompts that left room for intention and goals. At least 6% of folks consider masturbation to include goal-free stimulation.

18% agreed with the sparkling bait joke. It was a continuation of the previous prompt due to character limits, and I'm sure it seemed odd for many respondents. A lot of you rightfully exercised caution and may even have been wary due to my use of the FaeSnare hashtag. 🤭 Then they were some of you that started labeling some of my IRL behavior as "sparkling bait" in an endearing way rather than pause-inducing (which is tricky!). This is partially influenced by the fact I am glittery in some fashion, and I was born a tease or something like that.

If you have anything to add on please do so in the replies. I'll be figuring out the next poll as I have spoons to do so! 

#Discussion #Poll #Sexuality #ScribblesOfAKat

Link to post in an @alice thread that inspired this essay https://lgbtqia.space/@h3mmy/115392637917828516

I haven't written an essay in a while. Much like masturbating, I write best when I have a reasonable period of focus time that will be safe from interruptions. Ideally this would intersect with time where my body conditions are managed, and it's not taking away from my limited sleep time. I'm writing this currently having none of these things. I have been doing better at not letting it prevent me from doing _something_ even if it's not perfect. So here we are! (I also didn't proofread this)

#CW I'll be talking about masturbation and may provide some examples, so consider yourself warned. I don't know what the conjugal visit situation is in horny jail. Proceed at your own discretion.

My intention is to simply explain my perspective on some definitions. I don't mean for this to necessarily apply for anyone else.

I think of my reality as a strange loop. A bunch of matter coalesces in a particular arrangement with periodic cycles and abstracts into emergent features. Physics to chemistry to biology to a point of consciousness and psychology thereof. The abstract plane, the mindscape precipitating from a rhythmic cycle in the material plane. And the material is simply a manifestation in the abstract. There's lots of different philosophical threads to unravel, but that's not what this essay is about. This is just the bare minimum needed to help communicate some of my examples.

I'm ace-spec. I don't see someone and think "I want to have sex with that person." It strikes me as very strange, but it explains why a lot of allo people behave the way they do: Sexual attraction is what this concept is.

Let's also highlight that there is physiological arousal and psychological arousal. These are distinct from each other, and can be referred to as physical and mental, or material and abstract. They are also, notably, not always in sync or harmonious with each other.

There is sex drive which is an urge to participate in sexual activity. It's not directed at anything in particular. Like a car revving in neutral. Heat but no motion necessarily. Libido or sexual _desire_ is often directed at something and when combined with something like attraction, it can produce the motivation that catalyzes the drive and libido into action.

Okay, now that I've gone over some of the prerequisites, wtf is masturbation? People define this in many different ways. I might need to make a Fedi poll about it too.

When someone says they're masturbating, there's typically some sort of manual stimulation of erogenous zones involved. Often this is genitalia. Opinions are mixed on whether or not pleasure is a requirement, or some sort of climax. Personally, I don't feel that an orgasm or even pleasure is a requirement. It actually doesn't even need to be one's own erogenous zones (could be someone else's), but that usage isn't as common as it used to be.

Of the asexual folks that masturbate (some do, some don't), some say that they feel like they "have to" and don't necessarily do it for pleasure. I liken this to needing to sneeze, you might need a minute of silence or to look at a light or something, then you sneeze and your body stops scrunching up and you can get on with your day.

I must stress that this is both normal and also not necessarily the full extent of someone's experience. I expect even allosexual folks have had some instances like that.

Some folks masturbate simply because it feels good and they may not feel any significant psychological arousal. Some have a reactive drive that only revs up physical arousal in response to physical stimulation. Some are just curious and want to map out what sort of stimulation leads to what sort of response. It can even be purely academic. So far, all the scenarios I've highlighted have to do with only physical stimulation causing arousal.

Sometimes physical arousal can lead to the motivation to masturbate. This would be physical arousal causing the stimulation that can harmonize with it. This can be a complete experience without any significant psychological arousal involved. Like feeling an itch, gently scratching it, and then hitting a spot on the scalp that gives you tingles and you scritch some more.

Sometimes physical/physiological arousal will lead to a psychological/mental/emotional response. And hopefully they can harmonize from there. It can also be a negative reaction, which is often but not always associated with some sort of trauma.

Physical stimulation can lead to psychological arousal before, or in lieu of physiological arousal. This is rather common in kink spaces. Like a gentle bite on the shoulder slowly adding pressure as you realize you can no longer wriggle free without sacrificing some amount of flesh. 

This is probably where I should define psychological arousal in this specific context (masturbation). The mental/emotional urge to engage in some sort of stimulation of erogenous zones. Now, the mind has its own erogenous zones and they may or may not lead to physical arousal. I expect this is where things will be most arguable. If one is experiencing psychological stimulation that is increasing the mental/emotional arousal, does it count as masturbation? There is no physical stimulation involved in this case. I find that a different term is more useful here, I'll get to that shortly. First let's proceed with the scenarios that do involve physical arousal.

Now let's highlight abstract/mental/emotional stimulation. Like reading erotica, or watching something you find mentally and emotionally arousing. The libido in this case can be directed at fictional characters, or real people and those are two very different scenarios. It is also distinct on whether the person (the one imagining ) is involved in their own abstract creation. They could be uninvolved, involved only in third person, or fully first person, or maybe in the backseat in first person. There could be zero other people or characters involved as well. There are many possibilities and it may be centered on the self or completely detached from the self.

Whatever the specifics, the psychological stimulation can induce psychological arousal which can then lead to a physical arousal. Alternatively, it can lead to the physical arousal before the mental arousal is noticeable. I can be reading a book and have a whole physiological journey without any physical stimulation. This doesn't happen often, but it's interesting when it does. It's not very predictable. In the case where there is no physical stimulation, one can argue that it's not actually masturbation.

So far we've highlighted 4 categories of "levers", a combination of one from each section: mental/emotional and physical, stimulation and arousal. Any of these can be the initial source of motivation to channel drive or libido into action. Also, they can be harmonious or discordant with each other in different arrangements.

Now, back to the original point. Using this definition of masturbation as physical stimulation of erogenous zones (neither pleasure nor orgasm required) I don't feel that there is a 1-1 mapping with "solo sex." This can be different for folks using other definitions. I would define solo sex to encompass activities that are aimed at fulfilling sexual _desire_ and have pleasure as an important aspect of the intent. So some degree of physiological arousal and psychological stimulation is a key aspect here. While masturbation overlaps with solo sex, they are distinct concepts.

The scenarios I've mentioned that don't include physical stimulation but still involve the rest of the categories, I would consider those to fall into the solo sex definition in most cases, but not technically masturbation. In short, physical or mental self stimulation that is motivated to fulfill a sexual desire, thus is solo sex. Physical self-stimulation without the motivation to fulfill any sexual desire is not solo sex, but masturbation.

I understand that many of you might disagree with this, and that is perfectly valid. This is simply my mental model, and is informed by my subjective experience. If it applied to everyone that might cause it to get a little solipsistic in here.

I would like to add that masturbation, solo sex, and any associated "fantasies" are independent of sexual attraction and have no bearing on whether someone wants to actually engage in these activities. It also does _not_ imply any sort of auto-sexuality (sexual attraction to oneself). Auto-sexuality has been used as a bludgeon against folks that practice any sort of self-care. I don't intend to disparage any autosexuals, they didn't ask to be weaponized.

There is still a culture of shame around masturbation. It's really unfortunate how deeply enmeshed it still is, but we've made some decent progress as a society in dispelling myths and trying to encourage folks to explore their own body and mind. Writing about the stigma though is a whole different essay. I will not dive into that here very much.

#Discussion #Masturbation #SoloSex #Asexuality #ScribblesOfAKat

Recommended reading:

- https://www.asexuality-handbook.com/grey-asexuality
- https://www.asexuality-handbook.com/the-a-spectra
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masturbation
- https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-016-0870-8

In this post I am going to try and explain some aspects of how I conceptualize #kink.

For this to be effective, I want to also explain some terms I use, and how I use them. A shared dictionary is a fundamental piece of successful communication of nuance.

~~Intimacy is a form of closeness at a deep level. Like two onions touching each other, maybe in a box vs the unpeeled cores of two onions cuddling up together. Maybe not the best analogy. But it's better than imagining fitting both your eyeballs into the same socket (What is wrong with me?)~~

#Intimacy is a form of closeness. To get a better idea of what I mean, here's a post I wrote recently to clarify what I mean when I refer to intimacy.

Intimacy explained in terms of vulnerability: https://lgbtqia.space/@h3mmy/114721556022286295

Sensual is used to describe certain experiences. A quick trip to the pedantry corner says that technically all our experiences are sensual because we're using our senses. When I say sensual, I mean actively engaging the senses with intention. Like standing atop a hill feeling the wind gently stroking your skin, observing how your skin reacts, and the different streaks of tingles and nociception. Really savoring the experience of it. Appreciating the subtle notes of whispers in the wind. Hints of wildflowers mixed with soil.

One can argue that there is a degree of intimacy involved in sensuality, and that makes sense. I'm loosing my guard to appreciate the breeze, I'm adjusting my hearing to attune to the breath of nature, leaving myself open and exposed to nature and trusting that the experience will be worthwhile. It's not sexual, it's not romantic, it's just sensual.

#Erotic is another term, literally based on a god of lust, passion, desire and mischief. The crux of this is desire, but a consuming sort. Like I'm dying of thirst in a desert, happening upon an oasis, stumbling in my frenzy to reach the water, passionately reuniting it with my body, savoring the echoes of sweet relief down to my bone. This is just an illustrative example. I want to make a point to distinguish erotic from the sexual and the sensual as they are all different things. Each can have different degrees of intimacy dynamics. Intimacy is independent, yet a fundamental aspect

My previous example for #sensual is actually a little erotic. I'm immersed in it to a degree of near spiritual fulfillment. The erotic is often sensual, but the sensual is not always erotic. The erotic is often profoundly intimate as well.

Okay, now that I've gone through some of the tricky terms, I am going to start illustrating some concepts around "non-sexual" kink. Thanks to @kasdeya for her really helpful line of questioning that aided me in figuring out what pieces might be good to address first.

Picking one snippet from https://cryptid.cafe/objects/68cbcc28-db9f-4601-a574-bd44358f45e5

> I think the main thing that I’m having trouble understanding is the concept of nonsexual kink. it sounds like this might be a kind of playful exploration of things like physical sensations (like pain) or of being {restrained or made helpless} for its own sake. so I’m guessing that there isn’t necessarily any sexual arousal involved in nonsexual kink. I would be interested to know if the presence of sexual arousal in a kink scene would make it count as sexual (rather than nonsexual) kink for you or if it’s only the presence of sexual activity that would put it into that category. and also (this may be too personal of a question) how you would feel knowing that a kink partner was sexually aroused during a scene with you. I guess I wonder if that might be uncomfortable to know, in the same way that it might be during a non-kink-related activity. I think that would help me understand where the borders are between sexual and nonsexual kink

@kasdeya is spot on with the playful exploration. Kink is a type of play. Humans love to play, it's one of the fundamental ways we learn, bond, and explore. If I'm an arbitrary rope bottom: Maybe I want to be tied up for the sensory experience, and maybe I want to be locked and restrained like the suffocating system we're trapped in, and once the bonds are undone, I can emerge with fewer restraints to my potential in the world. In that sense it takes on a deeper layer of vulnerability and trust. A ritual to help harmonize the mind, body, and rich inner world.

Impact, fire, electro, sensory, needle, knife, wax, latex, etc. These are all types of play. Sexual component not required. What if we just wanted to play some games? Bound hands holding a candle full to the brim. Is a light feather enough to cause a spillage? What about a wartenberg wheel? How about a game of chess? My moves will be executed by my voice controlled drone whose arms are tied to its chest like T-Rex arms. These scenes lack sexual components altogether, but I imagine people would still call it kink, right?

Now, sexual components can be added easily. Feathers can be run over erogenous zones, vibrators too. Who knows what kind of chipset is inserted in the drone? Maybe I left something in the debug port by mistake.

I hope that helps illustrate that there is a distinction between sexual and non-sexual kink. Let's try exploring some #boundaries.

You asked if the presence of sexual arousal changes the category. I would say it depends. If I'm enjoying a casual tabletop game in public with a friend or two, and they get sexually aroused, are we now playing a sexy board game? Arousal also disregards intention and desire which are also important elements. I think perspective also matters. It could be a sexy game of whatever we're playing for the person who is aroused and full of desire. And for clueless me, it's just a fun activity time with pals. If I am also aware of what's going on, then it could change what we label it.

For kink scenes, I try to establish some baseline boundaries. One of my default ones is that I won't do sexual play, but I might be open to renegotiating at a later point. This communicates that I do not have any sexual intention at the time, and I expect that the other parties will not engage me in any sexual play without talking about it first.

This helps segue into answering the next part of the question about what if the other party is sexually aroused. This by itself is not bothersome to me. Kink is intimate. If I'm binding someone in rope, I'm making them more vulnerable and have a responsibility to do some caretaking of this state through the scene. I adjust my touch based on their preferences and what makes sense to me from an artistic perspective. Soft touch, light touch, deep touch, etc. Most people want more touch so I'll adjust my techniques to increase the amount of touch while tying and untying. For some, I'll adjust the pull throughs to create little whips to add a zing for contrast. I'm tying things in and around sensitive parts, carefully, mindfully, tenderly, but not sexually, and not even erotically unless we've discussed it beforehand.

Given this intimate context, the closeness, and sensual aspects, it can be arousing for a lot of people. Just like if they're getting a massage. Relaxing into touch and sensation while vulnerable. They're not being weird about it, they're not being creepy, they're maintaining the negotiated boundaries and not dragging any sexual intent or context into the scene.

I've had some rope bottoms tell me when an area is _too_ arousing or if they interpret touch in a certain area as sexual. I highly appreciate this feedback so I can avoid those triggers. Like the inner thigh. For some people it's sexual, for some people it's sensual. If it's sexual for someone and I need to get rope through there I can do it without actually touching that part of their body. I can also have the bottom do it if practical. I don't have sexual intent and this helps to respect that boundary. This sort of dynamic and communication applies across all types of kink scenes, I'm just using rope as my example because it's usually fresh in my brain.

So if something like a humiliation scene with impact and wax is sexual for someone, this should be part of the negotiations. I don't do sexual scenes by default, and this filters out play partners for whom kink is always sexual. If there's no play we can do that is non-sexual then we clearly aren't compatible. Because I'm at events a lot, people who are curious can watch, and they'll better be able to see the dynamic. Sometimes this alone helps them reframe the elements involved and they can interpret kink in separate sexual and non-sexual dimensions. I have a couple of play partners for whom this was the route, and they like that the scenes with me helped them broaden their perspective on kink and knowing that it doesn't have to be centered around sexual charge. Interpersonal chemistry is an independent factor in my opinion.

I'm getting close to the character limit now, which maybe makes this my longest post. Hopefully people are able to read it and engage in some discussions that will help me figure out how to structure my next post.

Please note that this conceptualization is merely one perspective and I'm certainly not an authority of any kind (unless that's what we negotiated)

#Discussion #Thoughts #BDSM #AsexualKink #ScribblesOfAKat

As per this post I am sharing some of my thoughts around the type of alt text I write https://lgbtqia.space/@h3mmy/114353563858177361

I didn't proofread this, so there may be mistakes here and there.

The first picture I shared on this account is here: https://lgbtqia.space/@h3mmy/112614898917500597 It's a picture of my dogs in June of 2024. It was posted in response to the OG #Tit4Cat thread by the lovely @alice

They had some specific socks I immediately liked, and some time after, my third and fourth pictures on this account was my first "lewd" post https://lgbtqia.space/@h3mmy/113147550747676068 and those socks are still intact, and I still wear them because they're cute. I have since stopped using the lewd tag though. More on that later.

My first sharing of any kind of rope pictures on mastodon (specifically) was in this old thread pinned to my profile. My attempt at bartering #Tit4Cat https://lgbtqia.space/@h3mmy/113149132171346910 

This was obviously not as accessible and there wasn't any good way for me to add alt text to proton drive. I started trickling in some of my rope art pictures, not all of them public. Also mild, like this is just my ankles. I've posted much less #SFW elsewhere on the internet but this was more like a canary to verify I wouldn't be shinned for liking rope. https://lgbtqia.space/@h3mmy/113318786264649268

Initially this was to try and move content from my Proton drive to mastodon with alt text. As I added alt text, I wanted to capture the important visual details, but highlight the details I thought people might like to pay attention to. Or at least set them up for success in that regard. See the type of language used in revision 1 of this post: https://lgbtqia.space/@h3mmy/113708638900527843 It's not just a smile, it's a sly smile. This is effectively a hint to help shape perspective. People aren't seeing me in person, so they miss out on my body language. I'm a playful person and I felt compelled to convey it. 

I also like scene crafting, and at the regular kink events I go to, I am often tying up people along the edges of a different scene and parking them cozily so they can continue being a voyeur without feeling as awkward about it. Consentually, of course, and constantly monitored. I have limits on counts, and don't do complex ties with people until I've attuned a bit to their body and communication.

Around this time is when Alice started the #AccessibilityIsHotAF tag and it seemed like a good fit. My first post under that tag specifically: https://lgbtqia.space/@h3mmy/113795675776478037 Isn't a full story, but more like a playful description with a sprinkling of lore that will kind of become a motif. This wasn't  with any kind of planning.

Revision 2 of the simple pentagram harness had my first narrative text: https://lgbtqia.space/@h3mmy/113810717477906908

I flip-flopped on pronouns a bit, during the initial few posts. I realized this might get confusing for readers so I ended up sticking to They/Them most of the time. And it turned out that people like little narratives. That post got 53 favorites. For the curious, the one with the most favorites as of right now is my strawberry vanilla vampire snare at 86: https://lgbtqia.space/@h3mmy/114162178258267843

A recurring theme for my writing is me playing with my food. I'm a wild magic condensate, and am energized by getting some people hot and bothered to some event horizon. Fae have bigger bursts of magic to drive this entity but some humans can also work well. There is also a power play aspect to this. A common one is that the viewer has the opportunity to make an attempt at overpowering, but it ends up being part of the plan. This is partially because power plays are fun, but it also lets me embed consent into the dynamic.

I never use the word trap to describe my methods as a wild magic condensate. Not only is there an icky transphobic usage, but it implies a deception and lack of consent. I do everything I can with consent. For the narrative, the viewer is aware of the price, they are aware of what they want. I'm dense enough to have my own gravity field and I make sure everyone has parachutes. 

There is a pattern that ties into my self and history. I really like feeling wanted for me instead of just what I can do for people. Like I aim to be someone that other people want to be around. Creating a gravity field and giving people parachutes (an easy out) is one way to ensure people actually want to be drawn in and it makes me feel less insecure and my acting confident usually goes well (until I walk right into a wall - confidently). This isn't necessarily a good pattern. I am careful to avoid dependencies on external sources of validation and can overcorrect into too much self-reliance occasionally. Generally, I do a decent job balancing it. And usually my self esteem needs to be a certain level before I will feel comfortable posting. I'm doing it for me.

TL;DR (so far): My intent with the writings is to be playful and artsy, but still descriptive. They are not necessarily sexual in nature, and I have practice at asserting boundaries. I'll use this opportunity to gently remind the audience that I am ace-spec and don't feel sexual attraction per se.

I don't use the word lewd anymore for tagging my posts. I still keep NSFW on there to make sure people don't see anything they don't want to. It was brought to my attention that I wasn't considering the full spectrum of how it's used in different locations and I quickly pivoted away from it.

Some of my old posts may still have lewd tags, and those will stay until they get purged. I do occasionally purge some content to make sure everything stays lean.

For recent artsy pictures, here's some playing with shadows: https://lgbtqia.space/@h3mmy/114338387602840948

Here's some of my tattoos plus light and shadow. One of the rare ones where I am actually fully nude, but it's tasteful: https://lgbtqia.space/@h3mmy/114270861378131324 

Edit: Fixed a couple of typos that were haunting me.

#ScribblesOfAKat