Mx. Luna Corbden ๐ธI had a couple of weeks of decent physical and metal health but I'm spiraling again. sigh.
My floor is still seems higher than it was though, so progress is progress.
But after that ended? No more emergencies. Still a backlog of things to work through, some deadlines, taxes, money problems, RV work, yardwork. But I could finally take those at a near-comfortable pace. And without consistent paid work in that time, I've been able to focus on a smaller number of things at once.
Basically, I've been able to rest somewhat for four months, and that's what it's taken to regain some of my cognitive skills.
Today I'm feeling hopeful. I've been intent on keeping the emergencies at bay. At keeping my pace manageable. And at convincing myself that it really is ok if I take yet another rest day or sick day, even if I took two rest days last weekend.
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So this is exciting. I still have to put on the brakes, though. No more pushing. I need to back off at the first sign of weariness, even if something is fun.
My last gauntlet was in Jan this year.
Sure, things eased up after I left my mom. But I'd completely upended my life. New state, new everything. Moving into an old RV that needed weatherization (still does), organization, off-grid learning how to cook and clean and shit without running water, where to take the trash, how to deal with meat waste in grizzly country, plus digging myself out of the hole I've been in since before I started caretaking my mom. That and keeping my client happy while operating at 20-25% of my peak mental and physical capacity. I was also in a scarcity panic, thinking the world was going to end a little faster than it has, and stuck in the emergency-mode my mom had me in for two years. So some of what I took on as urgent wasn't really needed.
So 2025 was "better," as I was finally digging upward instead of down. But it was still really rough. Hence that final burnout in June. BUT, that was my LAST burnout. Whereas before I was burning out 3-4 times per year and never fully recovering each time.
Once winter finally set in, the snowshed was up and the insulation around the skirt, nothing left to do by hibernate. But then right after Christmas, I put my back and hip out super seriously, and I was right back in hell. I could barely walk, and shitting on the bucket toilet (with IBS) would give me crumpled-over spasms that were difficult to stop in such a tiny space. It took all month of running to the chiropractor and some seriously dark depths to work through that.
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In some ways that (fall 20204) was my lowest point, but in that case, I was still able to bounce back for burst-runs of effort.
My burnout in June last year was worse in how it affected my long-term. In the sense that any amount of thinking would leave me exhausted. It was like sorting shit out of thick mud. Even fun thinking, like watching a show with a complicated plot or even posting here. Throughout all of this, I'd been able to post threads to social media without paying for it.
I remember my last major thread, I think it was the one on whiteness unculture, colonization, and Heilung. In that thread, I did what I usually did: pushed through the brain fog because what I had to say was bubbling up and very important and exciting. But afterward, the mental tiredness I was used to? It didn't go away.
I tried a few deep-thought threads after that, but the shit wasn't hidden in the mud anymore. It was nothing but mud. And any mud-digging left me feeling totally scraped out. Again, even for fun things. I was relegated to watching YouTube, most often trying to find the least-engaging thing that could still hold my interest. I could manage my ten hours of work a week, and my bare survival efforts (I did have a harsh Idaho winter approaching to prepare for), but thinking for fun was out of the question.
After a couple of months of that and I just sort of accepted that this was the new me. When before I hadn't thought I could get sicker, and there I was.
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I think I'm finally starting to get back some of my mental faculties. It's wonderful to reach into my working memory for a date I was just looking at, and my brain says, "Yes, this is the date, I am sure, you do not need to look again."
Maybe soon I'll be able to remember longer numbers and other things.
Yesterday I was able to play a complex game for hours without getting tired. I was able to watch a show afterward that involved a complicated plot and still follow along. And THEN I read a couple pages in a book.
I do wish I could have read more than a couple of pages though. But this is all good, as I'd all but given up on getting my brain back at all.
I'd say today I'm operating at nearly 40% of my peak-self. Two weeks ago, this was more like 20%, up from 15%. I think at my lowest point, the months I fled my mom's house, I was forcing myself to operate at about 15%, and was closer to 10% before I dug deep to leave. That was in fall of 2024.
10% is where I can still feed myself, but I'm trying to heat frozen food standing in front of the toaster oven for 10 minutes trying to figure out how to work the knobs. (This level of illness was not enough to persuade my mom or brother that I was indeed very sick and needed help.)
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Maybe as a reward for doing so well working through my lists, I'll do things today that aren't on my list!
I've been heavily processing lately. Lots of dreams.
Last night it was me arguing with my MAGA brother, who also IRL refused to help me when I was in crisis caretaking our mother until I left (now he's stuck with her).
In the dream he had a full-sized love android, and I'd seen her be violent but he hadn't, so he was denying it. I didn't want to be around her because I knew she'd kill me by order of the government surveillance apparatus. And I was trying to convince my brother of this, and of the fascism of it all. I was trying to use my questions method, but he just kept completely avoiding and deflecting. I started just screaming at him.
The setting was a series of connected shops right on the Canadian border, so I was jumping back and forth by crossing from the diner to the gift shop while other things were going on.
I've been thinking lately about the difference between ego and the simple need for connection.
Some of what I thought was the former (an attachment, illusion, fragile, source of bad behavior, needs to die) may actually be the latter (also an attachment, but more healthy if properly handled).
Much of how we view the self is a reflection of a reflection of what others think of us. It's unhealthy to rely on others as a source of ego fulfillment. But genuine human connection is bound up in that tangle. How much of my pain is wounded ego, and how much is just a normal reaction to continual rejection and the absence of connection?
[Funny how my instance was down for a couple of hours when I first tried to send this!]
In deep detox.
Mild depression is a thing I haven't had the luxury of dealing with in many years (possibly 15), though at one time in my life, I was functionally depressed every few weeks. I've been mildly depressed since late last week. Hard to believe how long it's been since I've experienced this, and yes, it's a major sign of growth.
Now trying to remember how to function outside of emergency mode. I can do stuff if I have to, but I don't have to. Sure, we need water. Sure, I'd planned to go into town today and get water. But there's backup water in storage. Don't really feel like pushing myself โ there's no immediate reason.
I created this situation on purpose, now I'm trying to feel glad I've arrived at what I worked so hard for, but also struggling to figure out how to "be" when not absolutely pumped up on cortisol and adrenaline fueled by existential threats. But if I can just be when I'm suffering at a 9 on the 3rd Tier pain scale, then I can just be when I'm sorta meh, too.
Will I feel better if I pull it together and go into town today? Probably. That's how I used to cope with functional depression. But also maybe I don't care to feel better.
I want to take a sick day but I'm not exactly sick. I've had enough rest. Pain levels are minimal, tiredness is minimal. It's not brain fog โ I know how to push through that. It's more like I just don't care to think.
I didn't accept 9-T3level pain as an excuse before, until I did and learned to rest.
So maybe I don't need any excuses at all.
Had a really bad flare up yesterday that is overflowing into today. After several really good weeks.
I don't know what triggered it.
I can't believe I used to feel like this, or worse, every day.