I know I've whined about this on here before, but ... I was on track to be somebody. I was a small-time somebody there for a minute. I was on panels at cons, being invited to other cons, speaking in front of crowds, invited to podcasts, invited to write for anthologies, people in certain small niches fanned over me and wanted my autograph, I was meeting the movers and shakers.

But then I left my abuser and got sick. I continued to do all that and keep on climbing while sick. Until I couldn't anymore. (I think of what I was able to do during those years to maintain and even increase momentum, and it astonishes me. I am still so angry at my mom, who was the final nail in my coffin.)

It's been a few years since I could, and they say publish or perish. I hath perished and have been forgotten at best, and made many poor impressions at worst.

This isn't it quite the same scene, but it tells me that maybe I can still be impressive. Maybe my laurels can just be dusted off and rehung the moment I am ready.

I still run out of energy so quickly. I do still worry about not being able to fulfill expectations. And I'm currently unemployed, which isn't much of an ego boost. It seems like such a waste of all the skills and reputation I fostered over years of struggle. I am *very* confident in my skills when I can show up. I just can't show up without my functionality quickly draining.

But maybe if I pace myself well, maybe my health can continue to improve, and maybe I can hit the scene again, not running, but at least walking.

I doubt if I'll ever be able to travel again, though. 😔

#Journal #Recovery2026 #DarkSojourn

Not being able to maintain a reading habit for a decade has been a huge blow to my sense of self. I made terms with it, but not satisfying terms. I still kept pushing and trying. Sometimes I'd finish a book but only through struggle, something I had to try, unsuccessfully, through intermittent brain fog or lack of desire.

All this week when watching YouTube, I've had this nagging sense I'd rather be doing something else, and it would take me hours to realize it was READING. I'd rather be reading.

It feels like a healing moment.

I'm still going to keep my expectations low. I'm sure I'll struggle again. But I've proven it's possible. This is my old self.

I'm back.

#DarkSojourn #Recovery2026

This whole thing is still ongoing but I think I can safely say I'm out of the woods. It took several trips to the chiropractor,. My hip was seriously jacked.

Thinking back, two weeks before the injury, I *did* move two bags of 80lbs concrete by myself, and tried to move a third. When I am not used to lifting. This injury began with a large number of compound moments and I regret every single one of them, but the one that did it was probably this. And in fact, after moving that concrete, I probably installed a time bomb that was going to go off no matter what.

I think my days of powering through whatever it takes using raw gumption and leverage need to be far behind me. I have been forced to learn to ask for help, and it's best if I do that while I can still walk rather than after.

On top of the injury, I caught a cold on my second trip to the chiro. The first cold I've had in years. I admittedly didn't mask, because the first time I went, hardly anyone was there, and because my social anxiety on top of severe pain and difficulty walking, I just needed one less stressor. Lesson learned, because this whole ordeal has been managing multiple health problems that are fighting one another. (Coughing with a spasming hip is NOT recommended!)

I still have to be careful with the hip but I can walk sometimes without the stick and I have gotten back most of my range of motion. Getting up in the night to the bathroom is relatively easy once again.

I haven't spasmed since my second-to-last chiro appointment. The cold is showing signs of clearing. I still struggle to get things off the floor, but can do just about everything else.

It has been a terrible ordeal. Thought I was gonna die, wanted to die, fever dream, etc. If I hadn't had help with basic functionality, I could easily have died in a heap on the floor. Especially living off grid in a tiny space, recovery would have taken much longer without some help. And I would not have recovered without the chiropractor. My bones were not going back into the right place by themselves. I should have gone in the first week.

Emotionally, I have learned some lessons, so it hasn't been a complete waste.

That said, I sure am tired of being sick for this reason or that. Fully ready to break free of the Dark Sojourn and live again.

#Recovery2026 #DarkSojourn #journal

Overall, I'm sitting back and asking the question: Why am I *still* in pain!? There's always a different reason, and I work hard to do the right things to overcome one form of pain, only to have something else flare up, or in this case, some whole entire new thing. (I haven't had serious lower back issues for many, many years, and never a serious hip issue.)

So for most of last year it was cycles myalgia and fatigue from MECFS, plus emotional pain and IBS. I worked really hard to finish things up and pace while getting my life stable.

More recently, three weeks ago, right after I felt I was coming out of the fatigue-woods and finally prepped enough for winter, it was severe IBS. Right after the IBS lifted, last week, the hip and back go out.

It's like at most I get 2-3 days of break from pain (if that) before there's something new.

The complete novelty of this new source of pain reallllllly has me thinking of this as a Pattern. As if my body is clinging to any source of pain it can find. So I've got that burning in the back of my mind. What am I getting out of this? How is pain protecting me? And how can I get that some other way?

Because what I really want now is FREEDOM. It's what I've been working towards for so long. The ability to just go outside, or go to the store, or clean up in here, or do whatever I want without having to make a elaborate huge plan. It's always infringed by anxiety or brain fog, or, as those things heal, by unrelenting physical pain from a wide variety of sources. Pain that fills my days with maintenance routines.

My therapist pointed out another factor:
As the trauma becomes more distant, my physical body is going to respond. Muscles are shifting into new positions. That's maybe a sign of emotional healing?

But the *result* is more of the same constant companion of pain that has been with me for more than a decade.

#Recovery2026 #journal #Journaling

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For several days, my hip has been swinging between on the mend to spazzing again. I'm fairly certain it's between my mattress and the ergonomics of living in an RV.

I do wish I had that really good mattress I left at my mom's. But there's no way it would fit in here even if I could move it. It's simply too tall. It might be worth getting a new mattress, but even if it would "fit," testing it to make sure it's good is a whole thing, and wrangling it into place is another whole thing. Then there's how money is tight. So I'm tabling that option.

I had to cut back on the NSAIDs. They're amazing for telling my muscles to stop contracting and reinjuring, but my kidney was complaining. (I was taking prescription dosages of OTC ibuprofen.)

I've also, as of this moment, moved my workspace. So for the last decade, I've operated largely from bed. I work from bed, recreate from bed, and sleep in bed. But it's a step up and a couple of twists to get in and out of it.

I'm emotionally ready to try moving my workspace to the "kitchen table," so that's where I am now. This situation is not without its problems, but I hope that by switching my position more frequently, I can stay in the "on the mend" zone long enough to mend.

I've also been trying stretches, but since I've never had hip problems like this, I don't even know any stretches, and now is very not the time to be experimenting with new ones. Some of the ones I'm trying do help, and some don't, and it's really hard to tell the difference, because they all *feel great* while I'm doing them. Just not after.

I also know that more movement, but good movement at the right time, is helpful. I've been wanting to go for a walk every day, but the weather is unkind, and also, uhm, like putting on boots is not a simple thing under these circumstances. Slippers won't cut it in this snow.

#Recovery2026 #journal #journaling

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