I decided to go by and use the term genderqueer over nonbinary or enby.
If genderqueer isn't an option, enby or nonbinary are still applicable, but genderqueer is more true, because I'm a fucking gender rebel and I've been through too much shit to sanitise my identity in ways that make cis and assimilationist people more comfortable.
#genderqueer #trans #lgbtq #LGBT2QIA #AurinThings #queer #enby #NonBinary
If your idea or praxis of a trans community is not inclusive and welcoming to people who refuse to, or are incapable of, defining their gender or who refuse to disclose their asab or who are intersex or who have non-western relationships with gender - then that's just shifting the bounds of oppression around a bit. It's not getting rid of it.
Think bigger. Break down walls of oppression completely! It is possible. Just try and keep trying, it gets easier with practice. Make more space, create freedom in your hearts, in your spaces, in thoughts and discourse and action, spread it in the world wherever you can.
🧵 (1/4)
#gender #trans #TransCommunity #asab #NonBinary #enby #intersex #FreeYourMind #AurinThings #AurinBigThoughts
I am being pushed out of society, there is no place in it for me.
I own that now. I am outside, looking in. I have a unique perspective. I have overview. I see things others can't. I have been shown, forcibly, some of the ugly sides of society that many people within it can't imagine or deny exist.
I have also found and joined and carved out and dreamed into existence little bubbles of air for me and people like me to breathe and spread our wings.
Societies always change. There WILL be room for us. I will make it happen.
#genderqueer #AurinThings #AurinBigThoughts #outsider #nonBinary #queer #anarchy
Clarity helps. I feel calmer, stronger in myself, like I have steady ground to stand on. I also feel a steely kind of anger. It is very healing.
Part of this is to make it clear to myself that every act of sexual violence done to me, ever, was done to a queer trans agender person. Not to a man or a woman or boy or girl. Whether the perpetrators consciously knew that or not. But as with most forms of bigotry, it's not like they necessarily announce why they target you.
Not all, but probably a whole lot of the violence done to me was corrective rape. I was targeted for being queer, for being ace, for being weird, for being deviant, for being non-compliant. For autistically not understanding gender and its norms and enforcement.
Sometimes they did spell it out for me.
I'm practicing this today. I am reminding myself that I am me and I am nonbinary/agender, especially when I have psychological pain. It helps, but also... it seems like it's provoking a counter-response, a punishment in my brain/soul/wherever. I am literally fighting demons here. Oof.
Autism and age seem inseparable from gender identity to me. Or at least, when I think who my authentic self is, I am autistic, agender, genderqueer and.... idk, a perpetual child??? I don't really have words for it. It feels like adulthood is too tied up with being reasonable/functioning/neurotypical/well-adapted/conformist.
It feels like adulthood is neither allowed for me (it is gatekept) nor do I want it! Yuck!!!
But I've been around for nearly 40 years now, and I don't want to erase that with my words either. I do feel wise sometimes and I have many experiences.
I kinda "think" that the correct solution is to claim adulthood and decry how it is mis-defined in neurotypical and hegemonic, white-cispatriarchal ways. But that doesn't fit me. It feels like the reasonable, adult thing to do. Yuck.
I've never really wanted to be an adult. When I was called childish as an insult, I was often just confused, why is that bad? I remember seeing my older brother struggling with puberty and thinking "That won't be a problem for me, because I already know what I want to become" (narrator: Ki was wrong.)
No, I don't want to be an adult, same as I don't want to be a boy or a girl.
The more I try to feel into my authentic self, the clearer it seems that I am outside this culture's bounds of definitions. I do like that 😈
Trying to remember that a) I have ALWAYS been me: nonbinary, genderqueer, agender, even when that knowledge was buried under patriarchy, trauma and not-having-words and -concepts. My identity was buried, but I was always me. Talk about past me with ki pronouns. Think about past me with ki pronouns.
And b) I can stay me and stay in touch with who I am now, I don't have to wear "man armour" or "woman armour" as a defense anymore. I can handle life as myself and even though that feels scary and vulnerable and perplexing, I can do that now. It is actually safer and better for me and will make me stronger.
I am practicing. Practicing to remember, to reframe and to stay me.
Aurin (ki, ki, kis)