By now we’ve all realized that George Santos is doing some kind of provocative performance art, right?
Twin Dad
- 301 Followers
- 216 Following
- 581 Posts
Body by Domino's©️
Parents, it’s ok to relax tonight and remember: you don’t need to wake up in a cold sweat at 1:34 am wondering if you moved THAT FUCKING ELF OR NOT.
*opening my mouth*
*slurping*
*licking my lips*
*eyes rolling back in my head*
*wiping the egg nog off my chin*
*slurping*
*licking my lips*
*eyes rolling back in my head*
*wiping the egg nog off my chin*
Kerry on Wayward SonMy boyfriend is a dancer but you wouldn’t know him. He doesn’t tango here.
Miss RissHe *sees* you when you're sleeping, but only *knows* if you're awake.
Santa is a sleep paralysis demon, guys
Greg Olear 
Assassination Coordinates is the name of my new punk band.
Ham on WryAll I want for Christmas is to stick a superhero landing without my girlfriend having to call 911.
An Alexa that teaches my Roomba to bring me coffee from the Keurig
Uncle Duke 
ME: "How do you stay looking so young?"
DORIAN GRAY: [shifts uncomfortably] "Essential oils."
Dick Scurvy*pulls your adult diaper to one side*