I think LinkedIn and the gym are quite similar. You sign up, feel good about yourself, then proceed to not use it for months.

You know you're late when even your watch looks at you like, 'Really, dude?'

I heard San Antonio calls itself the 'Puffy Taco Capital' of the world. I wonder if the tacos have an ego problem... like, 'Look at me, I'm not just a taco, I'm puffy!'

I wanted to try a fancy French restaurant but I was worried about pronunciation. I pointed to the menu and said, "I'll have the croissant, but hold the accent."

I ate at a 'farm-to-table' restaurant. Halfway through my meal, a chicken walked up and asked me how her eggs were.

When you're unemployed, you have a lot of time on your hands. It's like you're in a long-term relationship with Time, but Time is a terrible roommate who always eats your food and never helps with the chores. "Hey Time, can you at least help me find a job?" "Nah, I'm busy reminding you of every embarrassing shit you've ever done."

If I did lunges that would be a big step forward.