I mean, I always suspected I’m kept around because I’m useful for stuff. I can run an instance (even if I’m a shit sysadmin who can’t restore an Akkoma from a backup, and a shit moderator who thinks people should use “mute domain” more often), I can be a cash dispenser whenever someone needs that, I’ll mediate conflicts, I’ll check up on someone I think might be feeling down.

But I’m not a person with feelings and my own mental problems, nobody cares that I have diagnosed social anxiety and find any sort of even vaguely hostile human interaction absolutely dreadful, that I likely have some undiagnosed neurodivergence (that only comes up when I put highscores on online autism tests, or when an asshole of a therapist wanted to claim I’m not really trans and just fucked in the head). I was diagnosed and definitely not having clinical depression, but it doesn’t help with the fact that if I’m thinking of hanging myself only once per week it means I’m doing well (the norm recently was at least thinking of it literally every time I went to sleep, and making detailed plans every couple days).

I was meant to do my job quietly and without complaints. When I wanted to equally quietly run away and just be left alone, I wasn’t allowed that either, I had to stop and explain myself. But there was one precise and short way I was meant to do that, and then shut up again. I made the mistake of talking about my point of view more, and now I’m a monster for this. I never called anyone an “abuser” or “unstable” but who cares, I’m getting my ass whooped in public subposts for that anyway.

What the fuck did I even do to deserve this.

“ADHD trans girl who picks fights, is often drunk, might agree to do magic at your house but will try to steal your bedsheet”