"My eyes are up here," she says with an elegant gesture to the top shelf of curious jars and grotesqueries.

Somewhere, somebody has a voodoo doll of me. Whoever it is keeps taking all the money out of the voodoo doll’s account

Shakes a jar full of loose teeth to scare the dentists off my lawn

Just know that while you're chewing gum, your stomach is like, "what the fuck is going on up there"

first date idea: we show each other our classified documents

Oh shit, do— do *I* have classified documents in my home?

George W Bush scribbling furiously with a Sharpie, changing all his classified documents to read STOP SECRET

Protip for musicians: You can just release a track and say it features Dracula. No one is going to call you on it. What are they going to say, "I talked to Dracula and he says he never contributed to that"?

That would be a bold claim on their part.