Some real useful asssessments of the different Google-free phone OSes:

https://blog.gridranger.dev/mobile-oses-featuring-fairphone-5/

Credit @david_bardos

🐺 Auch, bloody hell have I got to
🦝 Go on dad please
🐺 Well... aye alright,

🎶 There was a lad who lived ont' heath
'e always had such lovely teeth
Stayed roundt' house of his friend Tom,
whose dad had plumbed his taps up wrong

diddliddledindimdimdimdim

"Jed" said Tom "Now see these taps,
The one says C is full o' rats.
H means Healthy round my way,
Me dad says he'll fix that one day."

Hot tap Jed, hot tap Jed
H was blue and C was red
Only wante't brush 'is teeth,
an' now 'e's rottin' underneath

*brief dance interlude with spoken word*
"Say that again Tom," said Jed. "I just wanna make sure I've got this right..."

🎶 "Right" said Tom, "It's easy mate,
Look int' mirror, then it's straight."
Jed said "What?" and Tom said "Right,
Get 'em brushed and say night-night."

Hot tap Jed, hot tap Jed
Brushed his teeth with hot instead.
If Tom had been a bit more clear,
he might well still be standing here.

*second brief spoken word interlude with tuba oompa'ing throughout*
No look right, he thought he'd got it backwards yeah, but he hadn't, he'd done it right, the tap were wrong from the factory, but he'd already soldered it in, but he only THOUGHT it were wrong from the factory, it were actually right, but not right for here, it were French you see, C for Chode which means hot in French, the warehouse had sent him a French one, so first he THOUGHT he'd done it wrong and he redone it right for what he THOUGHT were the wrong tap but it were the right tap in the wrong place, and he said to Dave down the pub can you get me a better tap I don't want this French shite, and Dave got him the one with p and d and I don't know what country that were from but at least it weren't France, now when you turn the knobs obviously it can get a bit confusing but anyway he swapped it over again so that it were definitely right this time, only while he were waiting for the p and b tap to turn up from Dave he thought he might as well do the bath as well, I AM explaining it will you let me finish, alright so he THOUGHT he'd done it wrong three times and right four times and there's eighty feet of copper under the sink now, but he were wrong about being wrong, he were actually RIGHT the middle time, but he were ALSO wrong about being right the third time,

🎶 If Jed had used the tap ont' right
It would've been a different night
Rinsed 'em from the tap ont' left
Left his schoolmates quite bereft

Hot tap Jed, dropped down dead
Two blue feet and a purple head
Council ground him into chum
And that's where Holland's pies come from

*third brief spoken word interlude*
Tommy love, your dad says he's fixed the taps, is your friend alright,

🎶 Hot tap Jed, 'ow he bled
Every pore were full of red
Undertaker took his hairs
and made some wigs for millionnaires

Hot tap Jed, full of lead
ground 'is bones for wonderbread
judge's bathroom's plumbed with beer
and Tommy's dad is in the clear

🦝 Thanks dad that were brilliant
🐺 Happy to oblige son, alright will you let me get on wi' this plumbing job now