*looks up at the moon*

At least she got my good side.

"Dear HRH Prince @Mlp_Mortis,

While I appreciate your dedication to your duties and your tireless work ethic, I believe those batteries had another week of life in them at least, possibly more.

I entreat you to return them so I can listen to my favorite podcasts while at spin class.

You must come around for tea and bone broth, should your schedule permit it.

Yours affectionately,

--C of E"

"Dear @mlp_Starflower,

I am delighted to hear you've been accepted into the prestigious Magical Research program at Neighdleberg University. It does my heart good whenever one of my graduates remains in academia and furthers the cause of discovery.

Best of luck to you as you study Micro-breezie Biology. It is a growing but difficult field. I encourage you to continue practicing your protein folding. You're going to need those skills.

With pride,

--C of E"

"Dear @mlp_Ratfink,

While I retain the prerogative to commute a sentence, I would never countermand a decision of HRH Princess @mlp_Twilight without extraordinary evidence, which you have not provided.

A note from your mother--while heartfelt--is insufficient.

Serve the rest of your term with honor and stoic acceptance. Use the time to consider how wrong it is to steal orphans.

Honestly, I think your punishment is light. I know a cell in Tartarus that...well, never mind.

Yours,

--C of E"

"Dear @mlp_Whackytech,

I have reviewed your proposal for combining the Equestrian armed forces into a single entity.

It would be unfeasible to strap propellers to every unicorn and earth pony.

It would be detrimental to line all ponies' bellies with kayak hulls.

I refuse categorically to "grant unicorn magic" to every pegasus and earth pony.

In short, there's a reason the Royal Armed Forces rejected your proposal. And you.

Stop sending me "genius ideas," please. I am retired.

--C of E"

"Post Scriptum:

Play.

"PLAY."

Play with your enemies.

P. Lay.

Play.

--C of E"

"Dear @mlp_Mopey,

I have several recommendations for cheering up:

Go for a nice trot.
Wash and dry your bedsheets, make your bed.
Flay your enemies.
A few licks of salt, not enough to get silly.
Call your parents or kids.
Stand under the Tree of Enthusiasm (do not lick the Tree).
A swim can be very invigorating.
Attend a comedy stand-up show.
Prayer, all alone, but very loudly.
Stop an earthquake.
Shop for unnecessities.

Best of fortune in your quest.

--C of E"

"Dear @mlp_Bravemane,

Thank you the breathtaking and dramatic footage of yourself looping through sixteen consecutive flaming hoops. I shall treasure it always.

Unfortunately, I have no sway with the committee that certifies feats for the Whinniess Book of World Records. It would be inappropriate for me to intervene even if I did.

I wish you continued success in your stunt career. I'm certain your feathers will grow back lush and waxy and proud.

Yours,

--C of E."

"Dear Lord @mlp_flounderface,

While it remains my purview to recommend name changes to the Equestrian Census, I think perhaps this time I shall decline.

When you begged me to change it from Lord Snottynose, I told you that "Flounder Face" was just as bad, but you were adamant. Your regrets now constitute an opportunity for character growth.

Sincerely,

--C of E

P.S.: Nothing prevents your friends and family calling you "BlenderShnozz" if you must."

"Dear Lady @mlp_Bindlewine,

Thank you for your letter. Please consider that I am retired and have no official input for @cwf. Too much snow? Have you considered moving?

Haywai'i rarely gets much snow. There are far fewer snowflakes in Equador. Consider how few snow shovels are sold in Horsocco.

I'm sure any of those countries would love to have you.

Sincerely,

--C of E"