time for the appointment. And it's not just a one time thing. This stuff always happens.

So by the time I get back home I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I've embarrassed myself again and crying over it feels humiliating. I'm uncomfortably sweaty because I've stress sweat through the deodorant even though I actually remembered to use it. And when I open the door the very first thing I see is the paperwork sitting on the table next to the door, where I had put it down so I wouldn't forget to bring it.

Anyway uh. Thanks for coming to my ted talk. Have a meme, ig? 9/9

I'm so FRUSTRATED and ANGRY at myself, to outsiders it looks like I'm overreacting and crying over just one tiny thing. "It's fine, it happens. Just drop it off when you get a chance. It's nothing to get upset about." Except it's not fine and it is something to be upset about. Because I went through all this effort to remember it - I even went back inside the house four times to get it and still forgot it.

What's worse is when people don't understand - because their words echo the negative self talk I struggle with. Because I'm unreliable. I can't be counted on to do something as simple as remembering to bring paperwork. How can I be expected to do anything if I can't even do that? They probably think I'm not taking this seriously.

I went through all that stress of don't be late and don't forget the thing for nothing. I wasted my money on a protein drink I didn't even remember to drink. I wasted gas driving all the way out here. I wasted not only my own time, but the staff's 8/?

frustrating. And all the while there's the nagging worry of you're going to be late that repeats endlessly in the back of my mind.

By this point I'm stress sweating. Did I put on deodorant? Better put some on just in case. Stress sweat is rank. But this is already taking too long. I don't have time to be worrying about all this. So I rush through it and hurry out to my car and get going. Only to still arrive at the doctor's office five minutes early.

Then sitting in the waiting room and wondering why I have a headache and- oh. I got the protein drink out of the fridge but never actually drank it. So it's probably still sitting on the counter at home. And since it has to be refrigerated and I live so far out from town, it's going to have gone bad by the time i get home. Which means I'll have to throw out food once again, wasting money.

Then when I get called back into the doctor's office I immediately realize I still forgot the paperwork. So when I break down into tears bc 7/?

and my brain just refuses to see them. Okay. I know they have to be here somewhere, and I know my brain will gloss over details. So I turn on my flashlight on my phone to look - because sometimes if the lighting changes my brain will suddenly decide to perceive the thing and- oh there they are. So I go out to the car and start it. I check all of my pockets. Am I forgetting something?

Oh! I need the paperwork. So I have to run back inside. Where did I put it? It was right here earlier. I know it was here. I remember looking through it to make sure everything was there. Where did it go?!

Oh. I found my wallet. Why wasn't it with my keys? Why can't I just put things where they belong? I don't have time to be dealing with this, I'm going to be late. Fuck I haven't taken my meds. Better take those real quick.

I get back to the car and realize I forgot the paperwork again. So I have to go back inside again. I'm even more stressed now because I'm always losing shit, this is so 6/?

Then I worry about "wait, is all of the paperwork there? Am I missing any pages?" So I go to where it is and look through every page. I triple check it. Yes, all the papers are there. I didn't forget anything.

I should eat something too, but I can't make anything that will take too much effort because I'll get distracted and it'll take too much time. So I grab a protein drink from the fridge that I keep on hand specifically for when I don't have time (or the energy) for anything else. It'll still be something in my system.

Then, even with three alarms to remind me, I lose track of time and have to scramble to leave because the thought of being late to something and being seen as unreliable creates a hole in my chest. Even though I know that I always build ten minutes extra into any travel estimates, just in case.

So I rush out the door and - oh. I forgot my keys. Kinda need those to drive anywhere. So I have to run back inside. Where are my keys?! I stare where they should be 5/?

a lot of people don't really understand WHY we're upset/how we managed to forget. "It's simple. Just leave it by the door so you'll see it before you leave." They don't understand that I can literally tape something at eye level to my door and my brain will just refuse to perceive it.

Some people are a lot more understanding and say "it's okay, no big deal" - and I want to stress how much I really appreciate it when they are - but it IS a big deal. Because what they don't see is every step along the way that lead up to forgetting something as vital as paperwork. It's looking at the paperwork the night before and thinking "I can't forget to bring the paperwork tomorrow. Let me put my keys and my wallet on top of the paperwork so I don't forget."

Then waking up in the morning and getting in the shower and again thinking "I can't forget to bring the paperwork."

Then brushing my teeth, I remind myself again *don't forget the paperwork.*

As I'm getting dressed I remind myself again.4/?

personal, I'm just terrible with remembering names." (Which, luckily with this one often puts people at ease because they'll also know I won't be upset if they forget mine).

It's reading a recipe three times so I don't forget any steps, only to still miss adding a crucial ingredient. It's forgetting to take my meds - or even forgetting that my meds even exist (because they just Cease To Be). It's setting something down just for a moment only for it to suddenly disappear (because your brain refuses to perceive it). It's forgetting dates, and times, and names. It's going to the store for one particular item that you need and getting home only to realize you forgot to get the one thing you went there for.

It's showing up and realizing you forgot something you were supposed to bring at home. Especially if it was something incredibly important - like paperwork for your doctor's appointment where they need that before anything can proceed.

And when that happens and we get upset, 3/?

treat me differently when they find out I have ADHD. So unless I trust someone enough to know that they'll actually understand what I mean, I've stopped saying I have ADHD when my terrible memory gets brought up. Instead, I've taken to saying "I have a neurological condition that affects my memory." And let me tell you... the difference between saying that vs if I just said I have ADHD is very noticeable and it's nauseating.

Of course ADHD isn't just forgetfulness, there's many other things that go into it as well. But for now, I'm just focusing on the forgetfulness part of it. Because it's not just an occasional thing - it's constant and it's exhausting.

It's having a conversation with a friend and asking "hey, can you text me to remind me? You know my memory," because I KNOW I'll forget. It's stopping midway through a conversation because I lost my train of thought. It's every time I meet someone having to preemptively explain "I will probably forget your name. It's nothing 2/?