Unpopular opinion: Itβs possible to read the news about Kyrsten Sinema and not hyperventilate while firing off 900 sky is falling toots.
β©https://justmytoots.com/foreverhairy@mstdn.social
ππΆπΉπ¬π½π¬πΉ π―π¨π°πΉπ π€·ββοΈ
- 68 Followers
- 66 Following
- 156 Posts
I was a big deal on Twitter back in 2006. Ask your mom. Sometimes a comedian. Often hiding from my family.
β©https://justmytoots.com/foreverhairy@mstdn.social
β©https://justmytoots.com/foreverhairy@mstdn.social
You know how these small rubber balls are labeled as a serious choking hazard?
What if we put a shit ton of them in fruity drinks?
-bubble tea inventor
Opened a fortune cookie and there was nothing inside, so I clearly have a lot to look forward to.
Mom: I think youβre old enough to finally learn the truth.
8 year old me: Okay.
Mom: (deep breath) The Never Ending Story actually ends after an hour and 34 minutes
8 year old me: Okay.
Mom: (deep breath) The Never Ending Story actually ends after an hour and 34 minutes
Really Carl, non-alcoholic mead?
SirEviscerate 
WAITER: Anything to drink?
ME: I'll have a whiskey sour.
WAITER: And your lady friend?
ME: She'll be having the autonomy to select her own beverage.
The only Walker I want to hear about now is Johnnie.
*puts on noise canceling headphones
*plays loop of kids whining
*plays loop of kids whining
Dr. Amy, Psy.D.Mastodon is the last social media platform Iβll use. If this doesnβt work out Iβm going back to chain emails that threaten to murder you if you donβt forward them.
I wonβt send you nudes.
I will send you verification codes when I try to change your Netflix password.
I will send you verification codes when I try to change your Netflix password.