World's most radioactive advice columnist.
Board certifiable
As seen on TV
| Favorite dessert | Yellow cake |
| Resolution style | Stomping |
| Preferred fashion | Angry casual |
Dear Submissive in Segovia,
Exploring the riskier aspects of our kinky selves can be quite healthy and liberating and can deepen bonds between partners.
Just make sure you and your partner openly communicate. Set clear boundaries on when too far is too far.
Agree on a safe word beforehand.
When my dusty-winged blue-eyed beauty and I get together, we know that all play should cease at once if either of us says DEFCON 2.
Dear Embarrassed in The Embarcadero,
Are you sure it's "my husband gets so drunk when we go out to eat that he crashes into and knocks over tables when we leave?"
And not more "my husband has a beer at dinner and then does his best Godzilla impersonation on our way out?"
Because if it's the latter, it should be viewed for what it is: a priceless gift.
Dear Aging in Beijing,
Some of my farts have lasted longer than many an hors d'oeurves.*
Do you really think I stop in the middle of a rampage and think "that is one ancient hors d'oeuvres?"
No.
To an ageless, radioactive rage lizard, you all look the same. Though, I will admit, lots of you are so adorable running on your tiny legs and screaming that I could just eat you up!
*editor's note: Dr. Godzilla is convinced "hors d'oeuvres" is French for "human."
Dear Sleepless in Slovenia,
Wind down an hour each night before bed. Meditate. Listen to relaxing music. Gently stretch. Refrain from screens or exercise!
As you fall asleep, take your mind off your troubles. Focus on something simple.
A favorite practice of mine is to imagine a rampage through downtown and to count each person stomped until I reach 100. When I lose track of the count, I start the rampage over and stomp again.
Dear Godzilla is Nothing but a Jumped-Up Iguana,
I KNOW IT'S YOU WHO WROTE THAT LETTER, GHIDORAH
IF YOU EVER GET TIRED OF WONDERING WHY YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS, HERE'S A DIFFERENT QUESTION FOR YOU TO MOUTH BREATHE OVER:
WHO HAS 3 HEADS AND WOULD STILL LOSE A BATTLE OF WITS TO A ROCK???
Dear Inadequate in Indianapolis,
Comparing yourself to others generally leads to no good. Of course, such advice is easier to hand out than to practice.
In moments of doubt, try lifting yourself with kind words about yourself. If anxiety persists, try some form of meditation or a vigorous walk. Exercise heals many ills. Lots swear by yoga.
Myself, I like to sink to a medium depth and let gaily colored fish shoal around as I contemplate the universe's majesty.
Dear Had it with Halitosis,
Have you tried the usual suspects? Brush and floss regularly. Rinse with an antibacterial mouthwash. Remember to brush your tongue.
For stubborn bodies stuck in the sensitive area between your gums and teeth, consider using high tension wire to dislodge them. It's surprisingly effective.
Dear Jelly in New Delhi,
Thank you for the kind words!
While flattering to learn you inspire others, the best way forward is to let your inner monster express itself organically. What will your quirks be? How will you stand apart from the other monsters? This process takes time. It takes hard work. There are no shortcuts...
Well, eating nuclear reactor cores* greatly speeds up the process. So technically, yes, there is a shortcut.
*editor's note: do not eat nuclear reactor cores
Dear Shy in Shrewsbury,
If the direct approach is not your thing, get your crush to take notice! Stand out in some way. Smile. Wear a shirt with gaily colored fish on it. Tell a joke.
Failing these, a swath of destruction from the sea through downtown in the shape of a heart is a sure-fire winner.