Me *choosing which gender marker I want on my birth certificate*: "Yeah, I'm gonna pick the most complicated option because I find it euphoric having my weird body situation acknowledged as not fitting neatly into old, limited categories of representing people! Systems are terrible and I'll take any chance I can get to mess them up! 🦾🦾🦾"

Me *dealing with the consequences whenever I have to interact with said systems*: 🤣😂😅🥲😭

#LiteralBinarySystems #NonBinary #Agender #Indeterminate

Last year I needed a temporary mobility parking scheme permit so I could park in accessible spaces, and take advantage of looser timed restrictions. My mobility was very bad. I still felt undeserving because imposter syndrome but whatever.

I went to submit my GP-signed application online but it didn't work. I was doing everything right, but it wouldn't accept any of my documents in the authorisation process. I would get a mismatch error.

My sex marker with Service NSW is "X" and I assumed that was messing something up in the back end.

I called support and they told me it 'should' work, but maybe it's not because it was my first application. That didn't make any sense but I eventually found time and energy to go into a service centre to apply. It took quite a long time for simply dropping off a form.

Now I need another permit. I got my GP to sign another form and I went to submit my application online and got the same error.

This time the support person essentially confirmed my suspicion that my sex marker is likely what is causing problems. They also confirmed that, as I don't have time to go to a service centre until next Wednesday, the delay means I have a week less to use it once it finally arrives. (The three month timer starts from the date my GP signed.)

My mobility issues mean it requires a lot of work and energy to go to a service centre and submit this, and I'll need some recovery time. I'm supposed to be doing other things next Wednesday.

Anyway, I submitted a formal complaint, casually used the word "discrimination", and mentioned that this is going to become a bigger problem once self-id laws come in from July 1 so they really should fix these sort of errors rather urgently.

I gotta wait up to 20 days for a reply, which means I probably still need to go in person next week because I need this asap. I just hope this small effort can lead to better overall care for the next generation of people with X markers that don't play nicely with badly-designed systems.

I'm having a terrible time this week.

After a pretty good January, my body situation is rapidly deteriorating. Fatigue is extreme, the weird head sensations that stopped by December are back, my breathing problems may have peaked last week but they're still very bad a few times a day.

I can't go into the office. Leaving the apartment is a risk. The wheelchair that I can't use by myself because I lack the energy is kept in the back of the car again for when I need it. I never get headaches but I've been up for almost two hours waiting for paracetamol to kick in and deal with the cavity behind my right eye (update, it's finally giving me some relief).

I have often been laying in bed with my eyes closed and feel uncomfortable, like my body is not heavy enough to melt into the mattress properly, and like the world keeps shifting around me.

I managed to work 4.5 hours this week. I intended to work tomorrow but now I'm doubtful because of sleeplessness. I'm worried about using up too much sick leave because "what do I do if my symptoms actually get bad?"

I am still completely unable to describe any of my symptoms in a useful way. Possibly related: none of the many specialists I have seen have been able to adequately explain or diagnose any of the things I am experiencing.

The rational part of me knows that this week (and a bit) of symptom severity could just be related to how much I have been pushing myself recently to support things that are important to me. This rationalisation may also just be a coping mechanism.

I have been coping incredibly well, generally. (The tone of this post is rare.) I really don't know how I do it.

Mardi Gras is coming up and I may not be able to attend many (any?) social things, even just chill ones, and that's kinda sad. But I think it's more the fact that it will be the anniversary of getting sick that is making me despair.

The chronic illnesses have settled deep within my bones. They'll be with me forever, through sickness and unhealth.

I had an exhaustion crash today. I've been pushing myself way too hard. It's only temporary. And it's important. My body is suffering, though. And I still haven't internalised a lot of the strategies I'm supposed to use.

I can't help but think I'm doing this to myself.

I finally got to a place where I have a nice HRT regimen that is doing what I want, but that includes a near elimination of all testosterone because I have an irrational fear of it restarting hair loss - and the subsequent dysphoria. (I know there are ways around that. It's just even more trials and patience and everything feels like a trial lately.)

I've been using my walking stick going to work for the past week, and I barely made it home today.

And dancing season starts in two weeks! *crying emoji*

I was taking progesterone orally, about an hour later I would often (but not always) get the weird effect of... unfortunately, I am very bad at describing things but I'll try.

It's like the very early stages of being tipsy. I was using the term "groggy" for a while but that implies sleepiness and less coordination. I feel a normal amount of awake and I'm thinking a regular amount of clearly. It's a lot closer to vertigo than dizziness, but not really either. It's like my frame rate has dropped slightly. I notice it more when I'm moving around, or moving my head, but if I'm still and watching TV on the couch I can still perceive something is slightly off. I don't think anything is affected but perception, though that in itself can affect my mobility and coordination. It's constant, not triggered by getting up like light-headedness is.

Official side effect lists don't mention any of this, but people do say it can make you very sleepy so take it before bed. (I don't think that it does for me.)

Anyway, this hadn't been a problem because I'd go to bed shortly after, and I'd wake up long after these effects had worn off.

The new issue is that I started taking it rectally about three weeks ago, still at night, and today is the second (non-consecutive) day where I've been experiencing what I think are these symptoms during the day. Last Friday it lasted maybe the full day, with the effects strongest maybe around 3pm.

Maybe I'm taking it wrong? (Online descriptions vary in wording and are difficult for me to understand.)

Or maybe they are unrelated symptoms. I am bad at remembering past physical experiences, but I occasionally (often? I don't remember) felt something similar this last year while I also had a whole host of other long-covid symptoms. I wouldn't be able to confidently say whether it was the same or not.

This is not a huge concern, but ideally it's good not to be feeling this during the day?

I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this from progesterone, and if so what they think may be happening in our bodies to trigger the sensation? It could help me work out what to do about it.

#HRT #Progesterone