one of the most frequent, recurring issues that I run across in online queer spaces is toxic people being treated with kid gloves. over and over again, I see people who have repeatedly hurt others getting far more chances than they deserve without holding themselves accountable or engaging in self-work. this leniency in turn enables them to continue to hurt others with impunity, in full knowledge that they'll be given second, third, fourth, etc chances if they fail to hold themselves accountable.
a recurring theme in these situations is the toxic person engaging in what I'll call crowing - so called because in practice, it reminds me of the attached "bird and crow" meme format. crowing is the hyperbolic, overblown, outwardly-directed behavior that a toxic person - the "crow" of the conflict - often displays when they're accused of hurting others. in my experience, this behavior generally includes some combination of several of the following:
1) extreme outward displays of sadness - the crow talking about how much they've been crying, how depressed they've been, etc.
2) the crow threatening to self-harm or commit suicide if the harmed party doesn't acquiesce to them
3) the crow attempting to paint themselves as the hurt party, often using reductive or vague language (e.g. "I was harmed," "[harmed person] hurt me badly")
4) the crow attempting to paint the actual harmed party as a bully, aggressor, manipulator, and/or abuser for speaking out about how the crow harmed them
5) the crow leaving shared spaces and construing their decision to leave as "I was kicked out" or "[harmed person] forced me to leave"
6) the crow sending third parties, often mutual friends taking the crow's side, to talk to the harmed party and their friends on the crow's behalf, often in an effort to convince them of how upset the crow is and to try to get the harmed party to admit they were wrong
7) the crow and/or people close to the crow writing public posts or messages, sometimes naming the harmed party and sometimes not, insinuating in vague detail that the crow was badly hurt by something that the harmed party did
the purpose of crowing is, in effect, to both gain others' sympathy, and to draw care and attention away from the harmed party and to the crow, though simply being louder than the harmed party. it's simple, and it works extremely effectively, because people tend to respond to hurt proportionally to the measure in which it's communicated to us. for example, someone who stubs their toe and is fine (albeit in a bit of pain) five minutes later will necessarily elicit less care from us than someone who, say, accidentally cuts themselves and needs first aid.
for the most part, this learned behavior serves us well. after all, we only have so much time and energy with which to care for others, so it makes sense to give the most - and most urgent - care to the people who need it the most. however, crows have learned to weaponize our ability to prioritize care through performing hurt very, very loudly.
someone whom the crow hurts might cry a bit, or seek comfort or reassurance from a partner or trusted friend, or perhaps respond to the toxic person with some justified anger. however, because they've learned over time that people receive care when they're more visibly hurt, the crow will always try to be louder than the people they hurt.
oftentimes this behavior is learned and subconscious. the crow might not even realize that they're doing it, because they haven't formed a conscious connection between, "I very loudly and outwardly display my pain" and, "everyone centers me and my feelings." in other words, this behavior doesn't necessarily require intent - but that doesn't make it any more hurtful to the already harmed party or parties, who generally suffer additional neglect and trauma as this all plays out.
regardless of intent, however, all of this stems from the crow's fragility - specifically relating to the idea that the act of suffering any consequences for their harmful actions is actually oppression. crows often move from queer space to queer space, burning through community goodwill at rapid rates wherever they go. and when they're finally not allowed back into the space, they leave and carry with them a story about how the mean clique of bullying, abusive queers discarded them. these stories play on our sympathies as queer people who've all too often been victims of disposability trauma ourselves, but they're really just the crow setting the stage for future outward displays of hurt by drawing care work to them in advance.
all that said, I've learned over time to recognize crowing behavior in queer communities and to distance myself from crows whenever they come about. and you, and whatever spaces you might be in, would serve yourselves well doing the same.
Sophie Labelle 
laika
Undercat
Cahatstrophe
KITTEN.EXE
Shonalika
Luci Bitchface Angerfoot
triz of online 