i had considered killing myself, plotting out how I'd do it, plotting out the most silent & quickest, painless way. for so long i just had to keep it in. that's what was demanded of me to do. Letting it out was dangerous, and to me it still feels as if it is. I'm constantly opening Discord in fear that she or Mr. Blue will DM me for some reason. My gf texted me and I for a second hallucinated that it was a text from [renavi], saying "yeah. i'm never talking to you ever again." which wasn't even remotely close to what my gf sent, lm.ao.
uh.

I've been getting into music, I wanted to do a song cover of Billie Eilish 's 'Happier Than Ever'. Just look up the lyrics, so uh. That's what I feel. all the way down to "you make me hate this city" & "never paid any mind to my mother or friends so I shut them all out for you, cuz i was a kid". i guess i'm still considering doing that, i dunno. music is fun. it could really go any way, i guess.

she never even watched Lain. she called herself "lainpilled", she admitted to me she never even watched the show. i watched it with my gf, you do Not want to be "lainpilled".
what have i, become from all of this. Oh god.

coming back to this, now, hh what is it? 3 Hours now? in the future. Okay.
I've sent this around, I've told people about it, everyone that's seen it has shared sentiments lining up with my other friends: this is how she treats everyone. And, knowing her- she's become an Introject in my head, a sort of Persecutor. she tells me to "join the 41%", frequently. that's what she does in there, and i can't stop it.

She's going to inevitably respond to this, probably make a blog post about it, or maybe just go radio silent- not simply because she doesn't know how to respond to it, i know deep down that she Fucking Does she's said Nice things to me sometimes before (mostly when just grooming me to be more happy with her than i am Scared of her) but INSTEAD because she genuinely thinks it'll just blow over, i fucking. know my own blood at this point because she's In me, now. we've even erp-ed. which is... not the best look for me coming from fucking alabama. gods. she's told me before that she grew up on 4chan, and that she participated in "raidgroups during 2014" (so: either Tumblr raids or GamerGate, probs). everything you see in a 4channer, you see in her. down to the Paying to Trans Charities as a pseudo-selfless act so that maybe her hatred "balances out". she still says kek, all her favourite media has Booru prominence (Uboachan, Lain, TF2, etc), she's praying to The Moon but in a near-parallel universe she'd be praying to Joshua Connor Moon.

if she ever responds to this, don't just take her apology at face value. she does Not change. if she wants to fucking be the "decent person" that her Neon Midori claims it's made by, gods above she needs to actually be a fucking good person to someone, Please.

none of the other staff members in OSDS i blame for trying their goddamn best. shoutouts to mishy. ♥️

She constantly switches up on whatever she's mad about for any specific day, one time she fucking got upset at me for being really excited that she got into Muse Dash, as I excitedly asked her "what do you think of it so far, what's your favourite tracks?" and she replied "And this is why I don't post about what I play. And now, I shut up!" and got upset at me for that until I vagueposted about it later the next day and she responded to it saying "I wonder what this is about." and fucking. hhh.

If you go to her website Right Now, there's a blog post you can read from like November. It's called 'Folding@Home: Don't Be A Leech!' and it describes that everyone who isn't exactly like her in keeping their computer on all night & giving up their resources for Folding a 'leech' on society. Like we should all be exactly like her, or fucking something. I've tried rationalizing this behaviour for so fucking long, I had panic attacks for 3 months in a row about it every single night, and sometimes I still do. When I told her about this, she didn't seem to care. She also went on to say to me, and I quote, "Give me a break already. I did Not need this today." As if I have to do everything on Her fucking schedule or something.

Nothing, NOTHING that she's gone through justifys this for me, she's... harmful. And she says that she wants to own a house full of other friends that she can supply needs for. She's only going to keep hurting people if I don't come out about this. This isn't even all she's done. This isn't even some of the worst, gods forbid, but I don't need to show every little fucking thing to explain that she fucking Manipulated me while I was vulnerably reliant on her & made a punching bag out of me. When I saw she finally stepped down- which Numerous people immediately dmed me about, really fucking excitedly- I felt the best I'd felt in 4 years. I cried. I'm free.

Thank you for reading.