Of course, there's life outside the Internet. That's where I get some of my best joke ideas.

Life is too short. Be sure you're making the right mistakes.

"I'm gonna feng shui the fuck outta this room!", I shouted.

Thought I was experiencing the rapture last night but it turned out it was just gas.

kale is great if you like lettuce that tastes like it's going through an ugly divorce and is also somehow sharp

I hope the empty F-35 just keeps going. Flying from town to town, solving murders and helping the downtrodden. Always one step ahead of the government goons hunting it.

As a child, I asked my father to teach me how to face problems instead of running away. He smiled at me, picked up his suitcases, and left.

The only reason I bother getting out of the shower is to document all the jokes I think of while I’m in there.

If these right wing extremists don't want to be labeled "domestic terrorists" they should probably stop doing domestic terrorism.

Way too excited about the new episode of OMITB tonight. I really need to get a life lol