Uncle DukeME: "How do you stay looking so young?"
DORIAN GRAY: [shifts uncomfortably] "Essential oils."
Shade 5
@Shade510
- 156 Followers
- 126 Following
- 614 Posts
You gonna finish that?
StâçėWomen be like I hate that there is famine in the world & then fill their front yards with $500 worth of seasonal decorations.
Assholes will always find love. You want to know how I know? You guys keep buying cats.
bacon popsicle 🎈*brings holy water to couples therapy*
FRO VOme: guess what i'm thinking
wife: i give up
me: you know me so well
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Dropped Mikewaiter: what would you like?
date: I’ll have a ravioli
me: I’ll also have some ravioli
waiter: two raviolis then?
me: no I want like 15
waiter:
date:
me: at least
“Pull up, Mike, pull up! You’re coming in way too fast! Christ, I don’t think he’s gonna make it. Clear the runway! Clear the runway!”
