Assert your dominance by climbing back into bed.

Looking for a wealthy family to come from.

Is it 8 glasses of water a day or is it antifreeze I feel like it should be antifreeze.

I’m not antisocial, I just can’t stand being around other people.

I’m a very easygoing person, unless you count the 18 hours a day I spend worrying about things beyond my control.

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

A doctor saved a life today. I ate three pudding cups using only my tongue.

HR says I’m no longer allowed to answer the phone with “for fuck sake, what now”

Accidentally used men’s body wash and had to mansplain to a woman riding a bicycle the correct way to ride a bicycle

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003