[Buying condoms at CVS]

-Paper or plastic, sir?

-Which one reduces sensation the least?

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens,
Rapist ex-presidents rotting in prisons,
Orange jumpsuits matching his orange skin,
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels,
Payoffs to Stormy and Karen McDougal,
Showers with convicts from “shithole countries,”
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes,
Imprisoned fascists who don’t pay their taxes,
Me & Melania on a sex swing,
These are a few of my favorite things

This day in history. 1996. Joseph Villery hit Rob Pilatus of Milli Vanilli in the head with a baseball bat. Pilatus was stealing his car but Villery said "I would have hit him anyway.”

This day in history. 1945. Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun were married in his Berlin bunker and somehow within a day they were both suicidal.

*eyeing swiffer suspiciously*
are you a mop? if you're a mop you have to tell me

This day in history. 1941. Australian poet Banjo Paterson who wrote Waltzing Matilda died from an infected billabong.

This day in history. 1941. Australian poet Banjo Paterson who wrote Waltzing Matilda died from an infected billabong.

I know things ordinary people don't know because ordinary people don't talk to squirrels.

Starting a petition to change the name of “Dancing with the Stars” to “Dancing with Luminous Spheroids of Continuously Combusting Plasma.”