Last night #IHopeJohnRoberts got up in the middle of the night to urinate (because: prostate), and he didn't want to wake up his wife so he just left the bathroom light off and aimed at the toilet, except (as sometimes happens with enlarged prostates) the flow hadn't completely finished flowing when it felt like it had and so as he started to tuck his unit (that's what his dad taught him to call it as a boy) away he felt about half an ounce of pee trickle down his thigh inside his pajama leg, so (again blindly) had to sort of blot himself off with toilet paper and then wash his hands in the dark and then when he finally crawled back into bed he remembered his wife has been sleeping in the guest bedroom lately (and hasn't even told him why), so there was no reason to leave the light off in the first place.

This morning #IHopeJohnRoberts was alone in bed remembering the lazy romantic beautiful lovemaking he and his wife used to do on Saturday mornings but that they've stopped doing because even though she's conservative she refuses to sleep with (let alone fuck) an outright fascist, and just remembering how it used to be turns him on, and he decides to masturbate, but he suffers an older-male-style equipment malfunction no matter how much lotion he uses, and ofc she's not there to do that very private thing with her pinky that usually solves that problem like magic, so he has to go through the rest of the day not only lonely and sad but also horny and frustrated.

Today #IHopeJohnRoberts' tinea cruris flares up again, and so severely that it even oozes a little.

Today #IHopeJohnRoberts develops heat rash and his skin feels itchy and stingy all day and the starch he has them put in his shirts isn't helping.

Today I hope John Roberts went to the doctor for his oozing crotch fungus and painfully itchy, eruptive heat rash and also because his seasonal allergies are starting up again, and the doctor prescribed a couple different creams and also a cortisone injection that felt like boiling acid was injected into his arm muscle because that's how cortisone injections feel, and then he had to sit in the waiting room for 15 minutes to make sure he didn't have an allergic reaction to a medicine designed to block allergies, and the whole 15 minutes another patient in a Make America Healthy Again t-shirt coughed constantly while unmasked, and even after he left and got to work his arm still hurt. #IHopeJohnRoberts

[Repost] Today I hope John Roberts went to the doctor for his oozing crotch fungus and painfully itchy, eruptive heat rash and also because his seasonal allergies are starting up again, and the doctor prescribed a couple different creams and also a cortisone injection that felt like boiling acid was injected into his arm muscle because that's how cortisone injections feel, and then he had to sit in the waiting room for 15 minutes to make sure he didn't have an allergic reaction to a medicine designed to block allergies, and the whole 15 minutes another patient in a Make America Healthy Again t-shirt coughed constantly while unmasked, and even after he left and got to work his arm still hurt. #IHopeJohnRoberts

Every day since January 25th I have posted a new, creative curse against U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. I thought they were pretty funny, and wondered why this thread wasn't getting more traction. Yesterday a nice person pointed out that the privacy settings were set to semi-private, so most people haven't seen any of that work. If you're interested, please just scroll up. Today's post – PUBLIC! – will follow shortly. #IHopeJohnRoberts.]

Today #IHopeJohnRoberts is taking public transportation to work because his license is still suspended following his drunk driving arrest during the Grok debacle earlier this month and when he asked his wife for a ride she just bared her teeth and snarled, but the trains in D.C. have been slowed to half speed today because of the unusual heat caused by climate change so he arrived at the court building sweaty and late and all the justices had to reschedule their morning conference and are salty about it.
https://flipboard.social/@newsguyusa/116603267171298098

Today #IHopeJohnRoberts finally gets over his embarrassment enough to inform the US Marshals Service (which handles Supreme Court security) that his driver's license has been suspended and of course they rally like the professionals they are and immediately arrange to have a marshal drive him to and from work which they've been offering to do for security for years anyway, and he's fine with this because he likes a lot of the marshals he's seen around the Court especially the one who believe it or not sort of looks like Tommy Lee Jones and also that girl one who reminds him of Jennifer Garner, but when it's time for him to get his ride home this evening it turns out his regular driver will be the youngest marshal on the Court's detail, who still has some residual acne and a weird voice and whom Roberts thinks has a weirdly ethnic-smelling body odor for a white kid.

Today #IHopeJohnRoberts suffers persistent low back pain.

Today #ihopejohnroberts attends a celebration of life for an old and valued mentor and friend from his youth, and it's supposed to be celebratory and inspirational but actually after being reminded how young and idealistic they all used to be the emptiness inside him now becomes more starkly dark and painful and he comes away feeling even more broken and soulless than he did before.

Today #IHopeJohnRoberts is taking the day after his childhood friend's memorial service to explore some places that were important to him in his childhood, but they're all gone now, even the funky little cinema where he watched his first movie (Snow White) and the little tourist train and the Ye Olde Style ice cream store, all gone now, and the only place left that he remembers really clearly is the playground where that older kid beat him up so badly that he went home crying and his dad was there and yelled at him to man up, and that memory isn't very nice.

Today #IHopeJohnRoberts wishes he could take a tropical vacation all by himself to sort of think and heal but he can't so he's a little sad.

#IHopeJohnRoberts's butt is annoyingly itchy all day today.

Today #IHopeJohnRoberts has cold pizza for breakfast and the crust has gotten soggy in the refrigerator overnight.

When he woke up today #IHopeJohnRoberts had really icky sticky smelly morning mouth and so brushed his teeth extra vigorously with extra toothpaste and then went downstairs to the kitchen and forgot and took a big swig of grapefruit juice.

This morning I hope John Roberts goes to his dresser and doesn't have any clean socks and realizes the dirty laundry hamper is overflowing but doesn't consciously notice that it's all his clothes not hers and he calls to his wife but she doesn't answer and he goes downstairs but she's not there and the guest bed hasn't been slept in and he realizes he hasn't seen her for a while and briefly wonders whether she's gone to visit her sister or ??? and then he puts on yesterday's socks again and goes to work a little disturbed but still not quite realizing. #IHopeJohnRoberts

I hope last night John Roberts slept fitfully because his wife still isn't home and today he gets up thinking he'll do a little work on the lawn and garden on a pleasant Saturday morning but when he goes out to the garage even the gardening tools are missing and he's starting to wonder if she's just helping someone do yardwork or if something more serious is happening in their marriage. #IHopeJohnRoberts

Today because his wife's away somewhere (where?) #IHopeJohnRoberts thinks it would be swell to do the D.C. Signature Brew Tour but then he remembers that picture someone took of him when he accidentally drank a roofied cocktail at a DC power party, and then that he was arrested for drunk driving after the debacle with Grok, and realizes that if he ever drinks in public again he will be mocked and reviled publicly even more than he is now, so instead he just pours himself a glass of grapefruit juice, forgetting again that he had just brushed his teeth.
https://washington.org/event/dc-signature-brew-tour

This morning I'm hoping that John Roberts walks out his front door looking up at the beautiful scattered clouds blue sky and steps squarely on a dead rat that inexplicably was lying in the center of his doormat. #IHopeJohnRoberts

This morning I hope there was another big dead rat right in the center of John Roberts' front doormat. Second day in a row. Weird. #IHopeJohnRoberts

Honestly #IHopeJohnRoberts doesn't actually step on the dead rat that appears on his doormat this morning for the third day in a row, which is moving beyond "neighborhood cat feeling its oats" territory into something possibly darker and makes him nervous enough to mention it to the young U.S. Marshal who drives him to and from work ever since his license was suspended that one night he drunk drove, and the marshal notifies his superiors, who hold a security meeting where the Chief Justice has to try to explain why he hasn't told them that his wife has been missing for days as well, and the marshals notify the FBI and send someone to pull two of the rats out of his trash for forensic analysis (the first one already is in a landfill), and then the FBI wants to interview him about his wife even though he has no answers, and it's all just embarrassing and surreal enough that, yeah, having him also step on the rat (possibly in his slippers?) just seems too cruel to hope for, even to him.

HOLY CR*P THERE'S ANOTHER RAT ON JOHN ROBERTS' DOORMAT THIS MORNING!!! #IHopeJohnRoberts #MoreBulletinsAsEventsWarrant #WatchThisSpace #MicroFiction 🧵

Okay so this morning #IHopeJohnRoberts did not find another rat on his front doormat, but that isn't exactly a relief to him because the US Marshals Service parked an obviously governmental gray four-door sedan across the street to keep an eye on things last night, so if a person has been putting the rats there they probably would have stayed away, and even worse the initial forensic analysis on two of the earlier rats came back and no they were not killed by a cat (which he was really hoping) but rather they were crushed and asphyxiated, with nearly all their bones broken, which... ??? so yeah, John is having a weird day, and also his wife is not responding to either his or the FBI's efforts to contact her.

Today #IHopeJohnRoberts finally gets a message from his wife reassuring him that she's safe, she's fine, he can call off the FBI, she just needed some time to think and has been doing so in Bali with her pelvic health physiotherapist, and he's unsure whether that makes him less worried or more, and also it doesn't explain why all her things are gone.

Today #IHopeJohnRoberts can't stop thinking about the message he got from his wife yesterday.

Today I hope the FBI gets back to John Roberts with the complete forensic results on the rats he's been finding on his front doormat, which can be summarized as follows: (1) yes, they all were crushed/asphyxiated to death, almost certainly by a boa or python, and (2) they are not commercially bred "feeders" of the kind sold in pet stores, but rather wild Norwegian rats of the kind found on wharves and in alleys, and so Roberts spends the day distracted by the knowledge that although snakes crushing wild rats may be common in tropical regions where they have those kinds of snakes, and snakes crushing feeder rats may be common among pet snake owners in cooler regions of North America, snakes crushing wild rats and then depositing their uneaten carcasses every day on someone's doormat in Chevy Chase, Maryland (where he lives) most definitely is *not* common and in fact is freaky a.f., an assessment very loudly and forcefully shared by the U.S. Marshals in charge of Supreme Court security, and he would like to discuss all this with his wife but as far as he can tell she's still in Bali with her pelvic health physiotherapist and not answering texts. #IHopeJohnRoberts

Today #IHopeJohnRoberts does something he ordinarily would never do, which is let himself into his wife's private office in the back of their home to see if he can gain any insight into why she has been so distant lately and seemingly has fled to Bali with her pelvic health physiotherapist, and as he shuffles guiltily through her papers and emails feeling like a kid rifling through his mother's purse (which absolutely was verboten in his childhood) he can't find anything about her supposed medical condition but he does find receipts for donations to the ACLU, Southern Poverty Leadership Center, and some sort of Democratic Socialists organization, as well as several articles on ways to mitigate the effects of aging on male sexual health.

Today I hope Clarence Thomas, as the most senior serving Supreme Court Justice, approaches John Roberts privately to say that the other members of the Court are concerned about his recent personal challenges and what appears to be his distractibility and lack of focus, and while Thomas approaches it with what for him is unusual solicitude and from a stance of offering concern and support, it's still embarrassing as fuck and John honestly doesn't know what to say in response except that he'll try to do better, and then he locks himself in his chambers and cries a little as he wonders whether he should resign and then realizes that despite his apparent obeisance he actually doesn't want Trump to appoint his successor and so largely through his own fault he has to remain in a job that now brings him more pain than joy. #IHopeJohnRoberts

This morning #IHopeJohnRoberts completely blanked on how many grams of coffee he's supposed to put in the coffee maker per cup, so he guesstimated and made it so strong that all day he has the jitters and it certainly isn't helping his anxiety.

Last night #IHopeJohnRoberts unexpectedly developed diarrhea in the middle of the night and although he made it to the toilet in time, he couldn't figure out how to open those goddamn childproof Imodium caplets packages and so couldn't take any medicine and basically sat on the can for the next five hours until dehydration finally slowed things down, and now he's having the sort of day you would expect him to have after a night like that.

Today #IHopeJohnRoberts gets a surprise visit from two of his adult children but they haven't come over to talk but rather to pick up some things his wife would like sent to her, and they won't tell him where she is or what she's doing because she's asked them not to, and when he asks tearfully what he has done to drive his family away one of his kids looks him right in the eye and says, "Dad, have you read your own decisions lately? Don't you realize what you are doing to people?" and then with a small box of his wife's things they drive away, leaving him in the giant house alone.

Today I wish John Roberts goes to church and enters the confessional and confesses a couple of venial little sins including gluttony from when he took a second donut from the pink cardboard box someone left in the Supreme Court break room but the priest peers at him through the screen and asks, "really, my son? That's all? You don't think murdering democracy is a larger sin than that?" and instructs him to say 100,000 Our Fathers before he's allowed to take communion again. #IHopeJohnRoberts

Today #IHopeJohnRoberts keeps saying Our Fathers (see above) as he showers and shaves and drinks coffee and is at something like 482 when he gets distracted by an incoming text and loses count and has to start over, and also that text wasn't from his runaway wife as he hoped (see a little farther above) but just spam from a nutraceuticals company.

Today #IHopeJohnRoberts Is thinking a lot about how long his wife has been away incommunicado and even though it's only been, what, just a little over two weeks?, it still seems like forever, and it's making him start to reconsider, just a little, just a tiny little bit, what the word "prolonged" means from the perspective of the person who's experiencing it.
https://www.politico.com/news/2026/06/15/supreme-court-ice-detention-case-00962228

I hope that today John Roberts thinks about the fact that the Court still has twenty more decisions to release before its term ends at the end of June, and not only the workload but also the emotional tension of walking his tightrope (making Trump king while still appearing to be a principled jurist) has him feeling simply exhausted, plus Clarence Thomas (worried about Roberts being lonely and depressed now that his wife, children, and priest all have come to hate him for what's he's doing to democracy) has invited him to join his and Ginny's planned RV trip through Scranton and Peoria all the way to Lincoln, Neb., and there are not enough fzcking spoons in the fzcking universe to do a road trip with the fzcking Thomases no matter how tricked out their RV is. #IHopeJohnRoberts

I like to think that for years US Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts periodically has fantastized that he was just an anonymous person who could wander out on the National Mall on a nice warm day without anyone recognizing him and maybe, when the park service isn't looking too closely, remove his shoes and just dangle his feet in the cool water of the reflecting pool, and today #IHopeJohnRoberts has that thought again but then realizes that even if he were a nobody he still couldn't do it because of the algae, and for a very, very brief moment that actually makes him feel a little better about things, and then he goes back to feeling bad.

This Juneteenth #IHopeJohnRoberts is snubbed by Clarence Thomas for forgetting to offer him an act of reparation, because Clarence thinks he is entitled to at least be made the offer even though he doesn't actually believe in acts of reparation and doesn't even think enslavement was that bad and sometimes he and Ginny even play a special intimate roleplaying game on that theme.

I hope today finds John Roberts wandering lonely through his large home, trying to come to terms with the fact that his wife has left him, and finds himself in their shared library, and notices her shelves are fuller than his and include three diverse novels from just last year ("Wild Dark Shore" by Charlotte McConaghy, "Flesh: A Novel" by David Szalay, and TJ Alexander's "A Gentleman's Gentleman"), while the most recent book on his shelf is Jonathan Franzen's "The Corrections" and he only got about a third of the way through that, and he wonders if that has something to do with why she left him, and also as he looks at the back cover of Alexander's book he realizes he has no idea what the Lambda Literary Award is. #IHopeJohnRoberts

I hope none of John Roberts' children call him for #FathersDay today, and he's finally starting to understand why. #IHopeJohnRoberts