Missingno.Jun 18, 2023
Today is Autistic Pride Day. I'm not sure how to describe what it's like to be autistic because I don't know what it's like to be neurotypical, I have no frame of reference to compare myself to. I just know that I'm me, whatever the hell that means.

I know that I'm someone who gets very passionate about a few hyperfixations, and sometimes has trouble even pretending to pay attention to other things. I know that sometimes I get really heated about my obsessions.

Sometimes maybe too heated.


A little over a year ago, I found out that I'd apparently upset the people I thought were my closest friends. But rather than tell me what they're upset about and try to resolve things peacefully, I only found out about it in the form of "Hey we all got together behind your back and decided to get rid of you."

I don't know what to do when people don't tell me things. They berated me for not "having the right read", as if I'm supposed to be a mind reader. Are neurotypical people mind readers? I don't know, no one ever told me they were, and like I said I'm not good with things people don't tell me.

Is this even an autism thing? Surely it shouldn't be, not knowing things I'm never told ought to be normal, but people keep acting like it isn't. It wasn't the first time people expected me to just know things I don't understand how I ever could've known, and it probably won't be the last. All I know is that I struggle with communication in a way that others seemingly don't, I struggle to be what people expect me to be. I don't know what's really wrong with me.

I lost something very important to me over it, and I've been empty inside ever since. I can't stop dwelling on what could've been different if only people would just tell me things before it's too late.


For anyone I interact with, I ask you to please do one thing for me. If I ever say or do anything to upset you, please just tell me. If something is becoming a problem, tell me before the problem gets worse. I won't know if you don't tell me.
Show threadMissingno.Jun 18

Happy June 18th.

Whoever said time heals all wounds was lying. No matter how much time passes, I just feel worse and worse.

I've come to terms with the fact that these bullies were never really my friends to begin with. That they were only ever using me for their own personal gain. That the promises they made were just lies meant to hurt me. I'll never understand why they felt the need to lie to me like that, but I know that's what it was.

But what still continues to hurt is that these bullies hold a form of power and influence that they can use to gatekeep me away from the things I love most. I had a dream that they took from me, and I'll never ever ever be able to get it back.

I've spent the last few years bouncing between other hyperfixations, just trying to fill a void in my soul and find something else that will make me feel whole again. The last time I ever felt truly happy was when I was chasing my original dream. But nothing ever hits the same. It's like the more I try to fill that void, the emptier I feel.

All I really want is to get back what they took from me.

Show threadTrashBoatJun 19

I'm sorry you're still struggling with this, but eventually you're gonna have to just do your own thing. I know who you're talking about and they don't have the power to illuminati you out of the scene like you think.

Try starting your own local. If you can rent a library space for a few hours to play video games with friends then that's a great start.

And when you get a good groups of folks that can vouch for you it wpn't matter what anyone else has to say about any past interactions.

Or maybe you just keep doing videos for fun. Idk.

But you've got to either do something substantial or leave this in the past, because constantly picking at the scab like this isn't healthy for you.

Show threadMissingno.Jun 19

There's no local scene for games this niche. I can't singlehandedly run a local by myself and expect anyone to show up when nobody around here has even heard of the games I'd want to run. There is nowhere else for me to go.

Remember the last time I tried to do something by myself? I only agreed to do it because I was promised that I wouldn't be alone, I was promised that I wouldn't be doing everything by myself. But that promise turned out to be a lie meant to hurt me. I nearly had to cancel the event entirely, and in the end nobody showed up.

I tried to branch out into more videos. It was a painstakingly slow process having to TAS multiplayer footage by myself in order to finish the missing bits of footage I couldn't get, and in the end nobody watched it.

I know I'm broken, and reminding me that I'm broken won't cure me.

Show threadTrashBoat

You don't need people who like the games to make a local. Most of my local is made up of folks who have never played a fighting/puzzle game. You can make something happen as long as you have a group of folks who enjoy video games and wanna hang out.

Again I sympathize. You know I've been in your corner for a long time, but you've gotta try to find a healthier way to apply this energy.

Jun 19 at 9:54pmWeb
Show threadMissingno.Jun 20

I have no such group. I do not know anyone who is interested in even trying to learn these games. I've even offered to teach, but I can't fault anyone for not being interested. It's like trying to convince non-FG players to pick up a game where the skill gap is so vast we both know neither of us will actually have fun.

I cannot wave a magic wand and spawn a scene out of nothing. I cannot do these things all by myself. It takes people, plural, to do that and I am only person, singular.

You remember what happened the last time I tried to do something by myself, it ended up ruining my entire life.

I'm sure you also saw that incident where someone with a lot of clout put out a pretty nasty hitpiece on me. I still get harassed over it from time to time. Even moreso than the first incident that started this all, this is the kind of shit that leaves me feeling like there's nowhere I can go where these things won't follow me around. I've now had two separate major incidents where people said all kinds of horrible things about me behind my back, telling others not to work with or even talk to me, and I live in fear that I can never escape from that sort of thing.

The offline spaces you expect me to conjure out of thin air aren't something I can singlehandedly create. The online spaces aren't an option for me either, I straight up don't even feel safe trying.

I know I'm broken. I know I'm not healthy. I don't need you to remind me of that. You already know that I tried to completely cut all of it out of my life for two years, tried to rebrand myself and focus on other hobbies instead, but the real problem is that that just left me feeling worse and worse.

Show threadTrashBoatJun 20

Again I think there's a distinction I'm trying to make. I'm not saying you pull a scene out of your ass, but if you can do the level 1 action of just getting folks together to play video games in person. That's it.

You don't have to make it a puzzle local, or an FGC local, but just a basic video game club that maybe has a puyo setup somewhere.

Which again, still isn't super easy, but I've found it's a good starting point. Having a space where folks can just play games without having to worry about being good or bad does wonders for me at least.

But still, that's probably still not possible right now. I get it.

I also understand that it's probably easier said than done to "stop picking at emotional scabs". But i want you to try to focus your energy somewhere positive.

I've been trying to practice Puyo sun. You should hit me up for games on duckstation sometime.

Show threadMissingno.Jun 20

I know you know what happened the last time I tried to do things by myself. I know you know the kinds of horrible things people whisper about me behind my back, telling others not to even talk to me. And it kind of feels a little offensive the way you seem to be deliberately avoiding acknowleding that.

The kinds of things that I want require the kinds of connections that I do not have. It's hard to make connections when nobody will even talk to me.