BecApr 24

Sigh, I'm struggling with a Thing I don't like in my life, friends, but I can't change it. Well. Not immediately (unless I'm willing to face some really unpleasant consequences, and I'm not).

I can work towards changing said Thing but that will take time, and meanwhile, I need to be OK with the status quo. This is unsettling and annoying because I've really reached the end of my tether with the Thing.

I need to focus on radical acceptance/gratitude/what good I have in my life over the next few days. Currently I'm journalling, writing lists of 'things I love and are good in life', spending time with my favourite folk, planning some gardening...

any other tips will be greatly appreciated. This is taking up a lot of energy and it's demoralising and sad.

#advice #LifeStuff #annoying #sad

Show threadMarApr 24

@teadrinker I'm not sure if this is the type of thing for which this is good advice, but for some feelings, the only way is through.

As in, you have to pause, and make space inside you for the existence of such Thing in your life, and then observe your feelings about it, and make space to hold those feelings, and then seeing if something else comes up. More feelings, or maybe different ones. Maybe memories about something else. It may help to have some calming protocols in mind as you work this (such as a mental "safe space").

I hope you find something that works.

Show threadBec
@marsiposa I think perhaps I'm avoiding that a bit because the sitting with the feeling is scary? Because I can't control it for the most part and the Thing is such a big part of my life? But maybe I need to be OK with being out of control (how terrifying, haha)
Apr 24 at 11:01amWeb
Show threadMarApr 25

@teadrinker that makes sense.

In my experience, though, you can spend a lot of energy just avoiding the fear (and avoiding the grief that comes with accepting you cannot change the Thing you're experiencing). The fear and the grief can also be transformative, and sometimes that in itself is a hurdle.

From what I've practiced in therapy, I'm aware of two approaches. There is the radical acceptance from DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy), and there are other body-based methods such as tapping.

If at any time you wanted to check some of it, I'm happy to share some handouts that have been given to me at different times.

Show threadBecApr 25
@marsiposa The radical acceptance has helped me in the past with something else I couldn't change (and the grief of that Thing was really huge, so much that I couldn't ignore it and had to acknowledge it). This time, the grief feels less, it's more... anger at my own powerlessness, perhaps? Maybe that in itself is an expression of grief
Show threadMarApr 25

@teadrinker I find anger a difficult feeling to deal with. I don't know what to do with it.

I think "anger at powerlessness" does feel to me as grief, grief of being limited. But I've also heard that anger points toward something that's important for you.

I wonder, if you were to go through the anger, what would it be in the other side.

I think the general framework of the body exercise could provide some information. Would you be interested in it? (not the full instructions, just how you think about it).

[and I don't think I said it before, but I'm sorry you're going through it]

Show threadBecApr 28

@marsiposa That sounds like it could be interesting, thanks!

Good thinking about deconstructing the anger. That's a knee-jerk reaction to it, but the deeper feeling is a sense of moral injury, I think. I recognise this from previous times -- it's the sense of being in a situation where I'm misrepresenting what I really believe, and that lie is hard to do, over and over.

Show threadHer DoingApr 25

@teadrinker @marsiposa

I am so, so sorry you are going through this - and I do think you are right: that kind of anger is also a kind of grief.

It has helped me in the past to realise that & treat it as such. 😔

. .. ...

It can be hard to offer specific help without knowing what the Thing is (that's okay! We don't need to know!) - and maybe you don't really *want* specific help, just to be heard, know you are not alone, and that's okay too. 💛

But I *am* sorry you are going through this; it sounds very hard. 😣

Show threadBecApr 28
@Her_Doing Thank you xx
Show threadHer DoingApr 25

@teadrinker @marsiposa

For me, it can help to approach it sideways. Putting it in *very* simple terms, it might be too much to ask a child 'How was school?', if you know they have anxiety about it, are bullied, whatever.

But perhaps you can ask 'What did you learn from X (their favourite teacher) today?'

You are talking *around* the issue, but not head on. If that's as far you get, okay, it's a start and the lines are open. If the child (you) *can* talk more, then huzzah!

Another thing that helps me is realising at least everyone can serve as a bad example. 🙄

Sometimes when I am in a situation I can't change externally, I think 'Remember this. Remember what it happening, how, and how this makes you feel, so you never do this to anyone else'. 😣

It can be anything; wishing someone would listen to you when you are in pain, promptly paying money owed to you, being aware that you might be struggling financially / not eating - remember it and how it all feels, and vowing to be different when you are in a better place - or even now, if you possibly can be.

If you treat someone else better than someone is treating you, you win. You are taking control of a bad situation and changing it.

You may not be changing *your* situation (yet), but you are changing it / advocating for someone else. The Thing in your life is not beating you. 💪

I hope something in this might help. All the best to you! 🙏