Mastodawn

Sigh, I'm struggling with a Thing I don't like in my life, friends, but I can't change it. Well. Not immediately (unless I'm willing to face some really unpleasant consequences, and I'm not).

I can work towards changing said Thing but that will take time, and meanwhile, I need to be OK with the status quo. This is unsettling and annoying because I've really reached the end of my tether with the Thing.

I need to focus on radical acceptance/gratitude/what good I have in my life over the next few days. Currently I'm journalling, writing lists of 'things I love and are good in life', spending time with my favourite folk, planning some gardening...

any other tips will be greatly appreciated. This is taking up a lot of energy and it's demoralising and sad.

#advice #LifeStuff #annoying #sad

Thanks to everyone who offered consolation and advice. I've had a very offline weekend and it was so helpful (much less news! who knew it would be good for me to hear less about the rest of the world for 72 hours?!)

I did a heap of cleaning and the place feels less cluttered now (less cluttered space = less cluttered mind? Maybe?)

I also visited Mum, who gave me a lovely smile when I got there and when I left, and I had a good chat to Adam and Kid1 about the Thing.

I also heard The Modern Ark (title track of the album) by Jake Mason Trio for the first time and it's amazing, so now I'm listening to the whole thing:

https://jakemasontrio.bandcamp.com/album/the-modern-ark

#music #jazz #personal #family #offline

The Modern Ark, by Jake Mason Trio

10 track album

Jake Mason Trio

@teadrinker so good to read this, well done 🤩

It could be the Friday chocolate cake talking, but I am feeling SO MUCH more positive about The Thing! I really hope (good) change is on its way...

TheNovemberFella ✊🏳️‍🌈 🇺🇦☸️🛰️🚀May 22

@teadrinker 🤞🤞

@TheNovemberMan Yes! All the crossed fingers and toes!

maxelcat May 22

@teadrinker chocolate cake 🤔 makes everything better

@maxelcat It definitely does 🥰

@teadrinker I'm not sure if this is the type of thing for which this is good advice, but for some feelings, the only way is through.

As in, you have to pause, and make space inside you for the existence of such Thing in your life, and then observe your feelings about it, and make space to hold those feelings, and then seeing if something else comes up. More feelings, or maybe different ones. Maybe memories about something else. It may help to have some calming protocols in mind as you work this (such as a mental "safe space").

I hope you find something that works.

@marsiposa I think perhaps I'm avoiding that a bit because the sitting with the feeling is scary? Because I can't control it for the most part and the Thing is such a big part of my life? But maybe I need to be OK with being out of control (how terrifying, haha)

@teadrinker that makes sense.

In my experience, though, you can spend a lot of energy just avoiding the fear (and avoiding the grief that comes with accepting you cannot change the Thing you're experiencing). The fear and the grief can also be transformative, and sometimes that in itself is a hurdle.

From what I've practiced in therapy, I'm aware of two approaches. There is the radical acceptance from DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy), and there are other body-based methods such as tapping.

If at any time you wanted to check some of it, I'm happy to share some handouts that have been given to me at different times.

@marsiposa The radical acceptance has helped me in the past with something else I couldn't change (and the grief of that Thing was really huge, so much that I couldn't ignore it and had to acknowledge it). This time, the grief feels less, it's more... anger at my own powerlessness, perhaps? Maybe that in itself is an expression of grief

@teadrinker I find anger a difficult feeling to deal with. I don't know what to do with it.

I think "anger at powerlessness" does feel to me as grief, grief of being limited. But I've also heard that anger points toward something that's important for you.

I wonder, if you were to go through the anger, what would it be in the other side.

I think the general framework of the body exercise could provide some information. Would you be interested in it? (not the full instructions, just how you think about it).

[and I don't think I said it before, but I'm sorry you're going through it]

@marsiposa That sounds like it could be interesting, thanks!

Good thinking about deconstructing the anger. That's a knee-jerk reaction to it, but the deeper feeling is a sense of moral injury, I think. I recognise this from previous times -- it's the sense of being in a situation where I'm misrepresenting what I really believe, and that lie is hard to do, over and over.

Her Doing Apr 25

@teadrinker @marsiposa

I am so, so sorry you are going through this - and I do think you are right: that kind of anger is also a kind of grief.

It has helped me in the past to realise that & treat it as such. 😔

. .. ...

It can be hard to offer specific help without knowing what the Thing is (that's okay! We don't need to know!) - and maybe you don't really *want* specific help, just to be heard, know you are not alone, and that's okay too. 💛

But I *am* sorry you are going through this; it sounds very hard. 😣

@Her_Doing Thank you xx

Her Doing Apr 25

@teadrinker @marsiposa

For me, it can help to approach it sideways. Putting it in *very* simple terms, it might be too much to ask a child 'How was school?', if you know they have anxiety about it, are bullied, whatever.

But perhaps you can ask 'What did you learn from X (their favourite teacher) today?'

You are talking *around* the issue, but not head on. If that's as far you get, okay, it's a start and the lines are open. If the child (you) *can* talk more, then huzzah!

Another thing that helps me is realising at least everyone can serve as a bad example. 🙄

Sometimes when I am in a situation I can't change externally, I think 'Remember this. Remember what it happening, how, and how this makes you feel, so you never do this to anyone else'. 😣

It can be anything; wishing someone would listen to you when you are in pain, promptly paying money owed to you, being aware that you might be struggling financially / not eating - remember it and how it all feels, and vowing to be different when you are in a better place - or even now, if you possibly can be.

If you treat someone else better than someone is treating you, you win. You are taking control of a bad situation and changing it.

You may not be changing *your* situation (yet), but you are changing it / advocating for someone else. The Thing in your life is not beating you. 💪

I hope something in this might help. All the best to you! 🙏

Cavedale Rhônes Apr 24

@teadrinker Stop following the news for a bit. It takes a lot of emotional energy to digest all the crazy stuff in the world. Hope things improve for you soon!

@CavedaleRhones Gosh, this is excellent and underrated advice. It feels like it's not the news that is taking up all that space but of course the news is A LOT, all this futility and needless suffering and next-level stupid, and I'm probably holding onto more stress about it than I realise

@teadrinker oooh that’s a hard one isn’t it. Maybe every time you notice it is taking up brain space just say “oh hello Thing, I see you’re back” and just let it float past like a cloud but don’t engage with it - then flick it away consciously. Sounds a bit bizarre but it has worked for me in the past.

@drwalters This has definitely worked with anxious thoughts before!

Phil Scoie Apr 24

@teadrinker Be kind to yourself

@Philipnschofield Good advice 💚

maxelcat Apr 24

@teadrinker in these times I sometimes remember the words of St Julian of Norwich who nearly died of some horrid illness... 'All shall be well, all shall be well, all manner of things shall be well'

@maxelcat I do have an 'it will be OK' mantra, so I can relate...