Mastodawn

cuddle puddle 23h ago

My spouse and I have been struggling, and a large part of that struggle is a lot of hurt feelings over (transphobic) stuff they said early in my transition. We've been working on "accountability" (both ways - i've said/done a lot of hurtful things too. being a self-closeted egg is hard), and the ownership they've taken for a lot of their actions has left a lot to be desired.

But during an unrelated conversation (about difficult feelings re: being trans in the US in 2026), they kind of just blurted out, "Well. You know, I'm trans too." Honestly, at first I took it as incredibly flippant and invalidating. It felt like they were saying "i already understood how you feel. so... stop talking about it." But after I processed it more it started to make so much sense. It could recontextualize our entire relationship, and... I dunno. I got really excited thinking there might actually be a path forward for us, and a chance for much more mutual understanding.

But after talking about their feelings for a day or so, they shut down, and have told me not to mention it at all until they bring it back up. It's been almost four weeks, and I'm struggling with this in-between feeling. I still very much need that accountability, and I'm not sure how to approach that conversation without talking about their gender. I'm also struggling just... waiting. I know when I first cracked I was so scared and wanted to bury the feelings and never ever talk about them again. But. I also see how incredibly painful and damaging that was for me. And I guess I really want to help them avoid getting stuck in that place (like I did for a long time).

Anyway. I'm looking for any advice about how to approach this to help both of us feel safer through the process, and especially about how to heal some of these (very old) wounds (we've been together for 19 years). Ooor just someone to commiserate with 😅

I'd be happy to share more details privately. Boosts appreciated.

Oh, and we have two young kids. Somehow I didn't mention that initially, and it's absolutely at play in all this.

@em_rhen i'm much younger probably but i'd ask if there's any update on that and say you're dying from anticipation, that you don't want to just let them suffer in silence and feel afraid to broach the topic
that you want to help if you can even if that means checking in every couple months to see if anything's changed
But that's just trying to improve communication channels, idk if it fits your situation

@wyatt Thanks. Last we talked about it, they made it clear on no uncertain terms that I wasn't to breathe a word about it. I wanted to say something just to acknowledge TDOV to them, but that felt like a clear violation of what they had demanded.

They did say that they'd likely talk to me about it, sometime between two weeks and two months. It's almost been a month. I think I'm waiting on them to initiate any kind of conversation at this point.

@em_rhen alright. I don't know the specifics between you but i'd encourage you to pipe up in another month and at least ask if it's ok to talk more by then

The Human Capybara 23h ago

@em_rhen
My husband just had to deal with me transitioning (which was quite a lot for him).
Trying to be each other "therapist" was the worst idea.
Communication was best when we were just doing couple things.

The analyzing was left for our respective therapists so when we talked about these questions we didn't put any "burden" on the other to analyze/solve the situation.

Ruth O'Day 20h ago

There is more than one way to trans.

If the spousal unit said to not bring it up, that is a pretty clear signal as to what their way is.

They gave a time frame, I know that you are anxious to bring it up but I hope that you respect that plus another week or two so that it doesn't come across like "time's up, I get to bring it up now".

@RuthODay2 Yeah. I'm not trying to ask "how do i talk about this now." I more mean to ask "what could i be doing now to make things easier when they do bring it up?"

Ruth O'Day 20h ago

I apologize, I interpreted incorrectly.

IMO "the usual" is a safe space for them right now. So nothing different from your usual routine.

@RuthODay2 Oh no worries. I'm realizing I was more terse than intended. But yeah, thanks. That's what I'm mostly trying to do now: just keep running the routine.

@em_rhen I don't know your spouse, and I'm missing a lot of context, but I'm suspecting your spouse has a bit of a fragile thought process going on right now. Like they're feeling they're only weakly holding onto their own emotions, thoughts, ideas about themself.

When the conversation comes up, I would recommend staying with the words and phrases they use, even just reflecting those right back to them, which affirms that they have the right to define themself. Don't bring up your own interpretations unless asked.

I remember when I was questioning/cracking, being terrified to even talk to any (other) trans person in case they tried to "persuade" me of something.
@RuthODay2

@em_rhen (sorry, I should clarify I don't have any exact experience as asked in the CW, apologies if unwanted) 🫣
@RuthODay2

@Tattie
No, this is helpful, thanks.

When I was first coming out I was less worried about being influenced, and more desperate for validation and connection. Which feels quite different. I can absolutely imagine myself being overbearing to someone trying not to lose themselves. I'll keep this in mind. Yeah, thanks.
@RuthODay2

NilaJones 6h ago

@em_rhen @RuthODay2

I don't have experience with this. I do have a lot of sympathy for you, and respect for the effort that you are putting into your relationship 💞

You asked what you could be doing while you wait. I liked @aSweetGentleman 's suggestion of getting a therapist. Is that a possibility? It usually takes trying several, to find the right one, in my experience. So it's a process in itself

Artemis 11h ago

@em_rhen
It seems like they've put you in a tough spot & may not realize how tough.

My understanding of the situation is:

You have been looking for resolution on harm that has been done in your relationship related to your transness & how they responded. They brought up being trans, & now that seems so relevant that it doesn't feel right to try to deal with the other stuff without acknowledging their trans experience, but they don't want to talk about it.

Artemis 11h ago

@em_rhen
I might suggest saying "I know you don't want to talk about you being trans right now, & I want to honor that, but we still need to work on repairing the damage in our relationship. I don't want to ignore your experiences & make everything about myself, BUT I need to address the interpersonal stuff between us regardless of whether you're ready to deal with your own stuff."

Artemis 11h ago

@em_rhen
It may not be intentional on their part, but in bringing up that they are trans & then saying "I don't want to talk about it", they've pretty much fully sheltered themselves from accountability in a way that leaves you stuck, & as understandable as it is, I don't think it is fair.

And if their harmful feelings about themself are leading them to lash out towards you, then they NEED to deal with those feelings for the sake of you & the relationship.

@artemis
Thanks for this. And yes, that feels like a fair assessment.

Yeah, I don't think it's intentional, but it has effectively shielded them from accountability at this point (frankly, it makes it hard for me to take accountability for some things, too).

They have some travel plans and extra stress over the next two weeks, so I won't bring anything up during that. But I might try to approach a conversation like this after that travel. I don't want to make it all about me, but I do need... even just more acknowledgement for how this has impacted me (and us)

Alathea 11h ago

@em_rhen my husband started T about 2-3 years after I started E. We'll have been together 30 years (!!!) in July.

Our relationship makes so much more sense now! I feel like we're communicating better than we ever have before. A big part of that, I think, is that I understand his neurodivergence better. He's not masking nearly as much. I can understand "autistic guy who needs accommodation" better than I can understand "unstable chick who flips out for seemingly no reason".

Alathea 11h ago

@em_rhen And yes, the fact that I had "unstable chick who flips out for no reason" as a category in my head, for years, is super not good. I'm unlearning a lot. But my point is, even though I've always loved and cared for him, it's only now that I feel like I understand him. (The work we've both been doing in therapy has helped a lot, too.)

Alathea 11h ago

@em_rhen (Now *I* am the unstable chick who flips out for no reason. 😂)

@Poljack
Lol, saaame 😆

@Poljack
Aww. This is great to hear! ☺️

Yeah, I'm holding onto some (big) hope that this will help trans our life together, and just lead to more authentic interactions. We've both been learning a lot about each other the past few years. I'd really like to break down some of the big assumptions still holding us back from a handful of conversations. There's a lot to unlearn.

That sounds so nice though. Thanks for sharing!