My spouse and I have been struggling, and a large part of that struggle is a lot of hurt feelings over (transphobic) stuff they said early in my transition. We've been working on "accountability" (both ways - i've said/done a lot of hurtful things too. being a self-closeted egg is hard), and the ownership they've taken for a lot of their actions has left a lot to be desired.

But during an unrelated conversation (about difficult feelings re: being trans in the US in 2026), they kind of just blurted out, "Well. You know, I'm trans too." Honestly, at first I took it as incredibly flippant and invalidating. It felt like they were saying "i already understood how you feel. so... stop talking about it." But after I processed it more it started to make so much sense. It could recontextualize our entire relationship, and... I dunno. I got really excited thinking there might actually be a path forward for us, and a chance for much more mutual understanding.

But after talking about their feelings for a day or so, they shut down, and have told me not to mention it at all until they bring it back up. It's been almost four weeks, and I'm struggling with this in-between feeling. I still very much need that accountability, and I'm not sure how to approach that conversation without talking about their gender. I'm also struggling just... waiting. I know when I first cracked I was so scared and wanted to bury the feelings and never ever talk about them again. But. I also see how incredibly painful and damaging that was for me. And I guess I really want to help them avoid getting stuck in that place (like I did for a long time).

Anyway. I'm looking for any advice about how to approach this to help both of us feel safer through the process, and especially about how to heal some of these (very old) wounds (we've been together for 19 years). Ooor just someone to commiserate with 😅

I'd be happy to share more details privately. Boosts appreciated.