Em2d ago

My spouse and I have been struggling, and a large part of that struggle is a lot of hurt feelings over (transphobic) stuff they said early in my transition. We've been working on "accountability" (both ways - i've said/done a lot of hurtful things too. being a self-closeted egg is hard), and the ownership they've taken for a lot of their actions has left a lot to be desired.

But during an unrelated conversation (about difficult feelings re: being trans in the US in 2026), they kind of just blurted out, "Well. You know, I'm trans too." Honestly, at first I took it as incredibly flippant and invalidating. It felt like they were saying "i already understood how you feel. so... stop talking about it." But after I processed it more it started to make so much sense. It could recontextualize our entire relationship, and... I dunno. I got really excited thinking there might actually be a path forward for us, and a chance for much more mutual understanding.

But after talking about their feelings for a day or so, they shut down, and have told me not to mention it at all until they bring it back up. It's been almost four weeks, and I'm struggling with this in-between feeling. I still very much need that accountability, and I'm not sure how to approach that conversation without talking about their gender. I'm also struggling just... waiting. I know when I first cracked I was so scared and wanted to bury the feelings and never ever talk about them again. But. I also see how incredibly painful and damaging that was for me. And I guess I really want to help them avoid getting stuck in that place (like I did for a long time).

Anyway. I'm looking for any advice about how to approach this to help both of us feel safer through the process, and especially about how to heal some of these (very old) wounds (we've been together for 19 years). Ooor just someone to commiserate with 😅

I'd be happy to share more details privately. Boosts appreciated.

Show threadArtemis1d ago

@em_rhen
It seems like they've put you in a tough spot & may not realize how tough.

My understanding of the situation is:

You have been looking for resolution on harm that has been done in your relationship related to your transness & how they responded. They brought up being trans, & now that seems so relevant that it doesn't feel right to try to deal with the other stuff without acknowledging their trans experience, but they don't want to talk about it.

Show threadArtemis
@em_rhen
I might suggest saying "I know you don't want to talk about you being trans right now, & I want to honor that, but we still need to work on repairing the damage in our relationship. I don't want to ignore your experiences & make everything about myself, BUT I need to address the interpersonal stuff between us regardless of whether you're ready to deal with your own stuff."
Apr 4 at 12:16pmWeb
Show threadArtemis1d ago

@em_rhen
It may not be intentional on their part, but in bringing up that they are trans & then saying "I don't want to talk about it", they've pretty much fully sheltered themselves from accountability in a way that leaves you stuck, & as understandable as it is, I don't think it is fair.

And if their harmful feelings about themself are leading them to lash out towards you, then they NEED to deal with those feelings for the sake of you & the relationship.

Show threadEm1d ago

@artemis
Thanks for this. And yes, that feels like a fair assessment.

Yeah, I don't think it's intentional, but it has effectively shielded them from accountability at this point (frankly, it makes it hard for me to take accountability for some things, too).

They have some travel plans and extra stress over the next two weeks, so I won't bring anything up during that. But I might try to approach a conversation like this after that travel. I don't want to make it all about me, but I do need... even just more acknowledgement for how this has impacted me (and us)