JamminJerry#TammyTrip update. Tammy has just arived in Detroit.
The Witchy Bitches@JamminJerry Oh wow where is she going from there?
@pawpower she will be on the last leg of her trip taking an Uber, or Lyft to the apartment she will be living in here in Holt.
@JamminJerry Oh gosh, will it have furnature? Or does she have to take care of all that next? I imagine she's tired as hell about now huh?
@pawpower she did get to sleep some on the train.
@pawpower she will have to get some stuff, but she will be living with a friend of ours.
@JamminJerry Oh good glad someone will be there and show her around and stuff like that. Moving to a new city alone is an exhausting adventure. Lol I've done it. But it's fun too.
MariahL@pawpower @JamminJerry I've done moves to Florida, Denver and El Paso with no help. I do not miss those days. They were fun adventures but dealing with the logistics on my own was taxing and my last big move on my own I was dealing with my now everpresent chronic back pain. It was actually refreshing to have help for this last move back to Texas. I'm not even mad that I'm with my folks right now. I'd been through an ordeal when I moved and it was still fresh so having the support was something that was super helpful. I also look at it like this. If anyone ever is like you should do these things by yourself.... nope, I have nothing to prove, not anymore, at least. I've done multiple moves across the country by myself, I've done traveling on my own via busses planes and trains. The skills aren't lost, I'll have them for the rest of my life, so when the help was offered or is offered I'll take it these days in a way that doesn't strip my dignity from me :)
@MariahL @JamminJerry Yeah exactly. I moved to New Orleans from Idaho and from New Orleans to Memphis during a hurricane well I didn't move was evacuated but same thing. Strange city with my husband who was useless as tits on a bull. So i was basically alone only with a manchild. I'm probably going to leave New Orleans within the next 5 or so years and yes probably alone, not because I have something to prove but most people's help comes with conditions or prices I'm unwilling to pay. I mean I'll have movers, I'm willing to pay people in money, just not in my dignity or autonomy which seems to be the asking price for most kinds of help people want to give me.
@pawpower @JamminJerry I'm taking a trip to Colorado in two weeks or so to get the rest of my stuff from a friend whose keeping it for me as well as for a visit with my son and his dads. My mom is gracious enough to drive me, but I made a few things *very* clear about what I was allowing and what I wasn't. I said I'd help with gas food hotel costs, but I also said I was going to a dispensory partially for fun partially because I want and need some gummies for pain management. I also said I had another friend I wanted to see about meeting. I told her she could do what she wanted, but to leave me be to gallivant if I wanted to, if she wanted to be my transportation I'd accept that but no bitching about what I wanted to do. I told her she was going to respect boundaries that my son's dads put in place, oh it was a whole conversation. Would this have been something I could have said two years ago? no. But things have changed.
@MariahL @JamminJerry I hope you enjoy the trip, I didn't even know you had kids. I hope it's a wonderful time and that your mother respects your boundaries. It is hard to speak up about your boundaries with your birth family who raised you. I was taught that obedience, above all other virtues is the most important especially with parents. So when I got the chance I ran 2000 miles away so I could have a life of my own. Because in my family's culture, children, even adult children, aren't allowed to have boundaries with their parents. Now that I'm much older i have established boundaries and my family refuse to abide by them so I haven't seen them in 7 years and I likely won't see them maybe ever again because of this. I think it's awesome you've been able to make it work with your family.
@pawpower @JamminJerry One son and I found out basically when it was time to have him. I had a month to figure shit out, it was a whole mess. I had a time with my folks when I went no contact because they crossed a line of mine and the fact I actually went no contact I think surprised them a lot, but also so did my son. I handled everything and told my parents after the fact even though I could have used more allies in my corner.
@MariahL Wow thats a lot. I went no contact with my mother from 1999 until 2010. We text now and we do keep in touch. She has worked really hard on herself and has acknowledged her harmful abusive behaviors. I don't know that I can ever have the trust that most people have with their moms but I respect her a lot. She has worked very hard her whole life and continues to work on being a better person, I really respect that. My family all live in a very small town and the last time I was there, we were at a family party at my sister's house and my sister thought it'd be fun? Hilarious? A real kick in the pants? To let her very dog reactive pet dog out to attack my service dog. Not once, but at least 5 times. People kept putting the dog in a bedroom and my sister kept letting her out. I coulldn't leave because it was 108 degrees outside and there was no public transportation. so my boundaries are I will only see my family if they meet me in a city with public transportation, 24/7 transportation. I need to be able to call an Uber or hop on a bus to leave if I so choose. Nobody has been willing to do this and they expect me to go back to the tiny town where I grew up, where there is a tiny taxi service that may or may not be available and the bus, such as it is only runs 6 days a week and only until 5 at night. Nope not doing it again. I grew up with a lot of abuse and to a degree I'm used to it but you start abusing my dog and we're done.
@pawpower My folks live in a small town too, that's one of the things I hate about this arrangement, but I'm actively trying to figure out workarounds. Once I settle wherever that is, I'm not moving unless I have to. I've moved around a lot and I'm tired. Reading that makes me furious on your behalf. When I had my guide dog, everybody save my father was accepting of him... mostly but the fact my father wasn't actually affected our partnership. Admittedly I was younger then and clearly not ready and I was trying to prove that I was and I didn't know at the time how to not show my pup how stressed I was. When we weren't around my family he was such a good worker, but around my folks, I felt the judgement and little things he'd do would get called out. I knew he was trying his best and I know it was also my fault for not knowing how to manage my emotions better.
@MariahL It is really hard when people are negative about the dog and it absolutely can affect a partnership. I hope you can find a place to settle that you love and that works for you.
@pawpower It did mess with our partnership, I got a job where people weren't accepting of him and then went into another environment where we faced the same issues and I couldn't do anything about it no matter what I tried. We were doomed then and I don't blame the school for reassigning him, I blame them for how they went about it, and because they think I neglected him when I did nothing of the sort which means I'm on their blacklist and if I ever want another that'll be a point against me because schools talk, but that was also 9 years ago.
@MariahL I hope that if you're ever ready/interested in another partnership that a program will give you a chance. The smaller ones seem to be better about understanding that clients change and times change and listening to all sides of the story.
@pawpower The only reason this arrangement right now works at least okay for the moment is because my dad now has another job, he lost his last one last October on Halloween and got to be a terror to be around because he was bored and his mood was just awful. He only comes in twice a month now and never says longer than a day and some change which is perfectly fine with me. We had a big fight a few weeks ago; the man was drunk and it escalated to where he was acting like a child and punching door frames and I will not be treated like that so he hardly says shit to me now because I refused to let him raise his voice to me when that fight started over a simple question I didn't know the answer to at the time. I know he'll never tell me he's sorry, but with that in mind, I'm not going to walk back into his good graces and forget what he did. This isn't the first time he's been like this, I can be peaceful but I damn sure won't forget.
@MariahL Wow is your dad related to my dad? They both come from the man tantrum clan! I'm sorry. Living with someone like that is hard. Also wtf is it with these men who won't ever say they're sorry for their behaviors. My dad died without ever telling me he was sorry and he died without me there because I refused to be around him and pretend everything was just fine. they're only hurting themselves in the end, I wish they understood that.
@pawpower I've asked myself this question a lot. I've come to accept that he'll never own up to what he did but with that comes the stipulation that if he won't own it, I don't owe him anything. I don't know why it's taken me this long to make peace with it, I mean the man called me a whore when I was 17 because a guy friend I was talking with online called me sweetheart. Obviously he was drunk and he said he didn't remember the next day but I don't care about excuses. I also don't like the fact my mom tries to sweep these things under a rug. she says she's trying to keep the peace, but I don't have to accept that, either. I respect her enough not to start anything, but I also won't sit here and be treated like I'm a child anymore. That's why he got mad this last big fight. he was raising his voice, and I respectfully said that I wasn't 16 anymore, and if he was going to keep on this course that I wasn't going to sit here and listen to it. He walked away before I could, granted with the door frame punching and yelling because he had to have the last word, but I don't think he liked that I said no. I'll say no because I have that right. he can get glad in the same jeans he got mad in as I say.
@MariahL Good for you, that is really hard to do. I was never able to stand up to my father because of the fear of physical violence so I'm always really proud of other people who are able to do that. It is not easy even without the threat of physical violence. That conditioning runs deep, so good for you because you definitely deserve to be treated with respect. People can disagree without yelling.
@pawpower I can't lie, I was nervous saying something. When he gets like that he can get violent. he's never hit any of us kids under the influence, but the fact he punches walls isn't much better. I've heard people say well that's his way of not putting his hands on you.... no, don't justify that childish ass behavior. He does try to intimidate, he's a big guy, so getting in my face is a tactic he likes to use but I've been through wayyyyy too much in the last year to be talked down to like that.
@MariahL Oh yeah, my dad was a big wall puncher too. And you're right that is a bullshit enabling excuse. And these men are never called to account for their behavior because people like that make excuses for them and sweep shit under the rug. My stepmom did this for my dad until he died, and I will never understand it.
@pawpower I think I told my mom that I refuse to respect a man who won't respect his daughter. I'll be nice. I won't poke the bear I'm not that stupid, but the fact he thinks its okay to yell at women? Including his wife who thinks that's okay? Nevermind me, whatever, but come on. Absolutely not. Living in the south there was that whole respect your elders bullshit rule, but then it was respect is earned, not given, but yet when that concept was practiced that threw my folks for a loop. They would talk the talk but the walk was too hard. My morals and what I will and won't tolerate really went through a change after my son was born. Even though he's not mine anymore, (dads are acknowledging me as mom and teaching him that but he's not legally mine), I have things I'd teach him if I got the chance.
@MariahL Yeah, you have to do what you need to do to live with him but good for you for having those boundaries. I'm sure being a mom and having a child was a big change and made you see things from a really different perspective.
@pawpower @JamminJerry If I'm honest? I'm looking forward to some time with my mom. We don't roadtrip like this, so hey could be fun. I'm also really excited that she gets to meet her grandson, even if that's not a label they put in place for her. Should be an interesting three days, to say the least :)
Jamie Pauls@JamminJerry This is the first that I have seen Tammy‘s name in your timeline. Who is she?
@JamiePauls on line people know her as jade.
Keri Svendsen