Roman Catholic here, born and raised, church every Sunday and catechism. As Roman Catholics, we don’t fuck around with reading the Bible. We daze off during the two readings and the Gospel, and we rely on the priest’s homily to sum it all up succinctly and with a couple of jokes sprinkled in.

18 years of going to church growing up and I don’t know what a Gog Magog is.

In the Hebrew Bible, particularly in the Book of Ezekiel (chapters 38–39), Gog is a leader (possibly a king?), and Magog is the land or people he rules. They are described as a hostile force that will attack Israel in the “last days,” only to be decisively defeated by God. In the New Testament (Book of Revelation 20:7–9), the names reappear symbolically. Here, “Gog and Magog” represent the nations of the world gathered for a final rebellion against God after a period of peace. They are again defeated in a climactic, apocalyptic battle.

Woah woah… Slow down and throw a joke or two into that if you want me to absorb it.

Alright, alright, let me put the tinfoil on low heat for a second.

Old Testament: Gog is the boss, Magog is his turf and crew. They roll up for a big end-times fight… and get absolutely smote. End of story.

New Testament? Same names, but now it’s basically everyone and their cousin joining the rebellion. Bigger crowd, same outcome, still gets shut down.

So yeah… same names, bigger scale.

It’s like a sequel where the budget goes up, but the villain still loses in the last five minutes.

And let’s be honest, if your battle plan keeps ending in divine smiting, maybe… workshop the strategy.