levampyre2d ago

RE: https://chaos.social/@levampyre/116263478747997742

So I recently became aware that as a monotropistic person I am traumatized out of flow states and feeling the heaviness of that loss was already painful.

But look there's another, very related reason why I avoid deep focus and have difficulty to relax and taking care of my own needs in general. It is because my autistic brain is always in "service mode" whenever another person is around. Mother on the Spectrum talks about it in this YT video: https://youtu.be/yZ2_S_5xRAc #ActuallyAutistc

Show threadlevampyre2d ago
"Service mode is a learned survival state where an autistic person stays oriented towards being useful, helpful, emotionally available or non-disruptive in order to remain safe & accepted. That often includes constant low level vigilance even in your own home, b/c you're always anticipating interruption, needing to respond or being called on. Instead of fully resting, your nervous system stays on, scanning for demands, needs or cues that someone might need something from you." #ActuallyAutistc
Show threadlevampyre
"[Examples are amongst others] avoiding deep focus or rest, because interruption is inevitable. [But] we can't really help our nervous systems to recover, if it nerver gets the signal to be 'off dury'. [We've developed this survival state, b/c we were] treated as being difficult, unless we are useful. [...] This is not generosity, it's hyper vigilance shaped like kindness. [To overcome, we need to learn] how to be valued for [our] presence rather than [our] output." #ActuallyAutistc
Mar 25 at 2:38pmWeb
Show threadKevin Davy1d ago
@levampyre
This learnt response is one of the hardest to recognise, let alone deal with. For many of us it is so deeply engrained.
Show threadlevampyre1d ago
@pathfinder I never understood how much that experience of constant rejection and being treated as the weird one and being alienated in my childhood impacted me through my entire adult life. I had always thought I was so tough and didn't care. Turns out, I cared deeply and hurt deeply. 😭
Show threadKevin Davy1d ago
@levampyre
Unfortunately so much impacted us on levels that created long term changes. It's also why they can be so hard to process.