Mastodawn

I’m working through some feelings, and honestly I don’t even know why I’m sharing this other than I need to get it out, and I’m interested in the perspective of anyone who might have felt similar / had a comparative experience.

Firstly, medically, I am fine. I really am. I’ve felt rough for a couple of days but I’m tough as boots and I bounce back quick.

I’m type 1 #diabetic (over 30 years) and on Monday I accidentally injected 18 units of fast-acting #insulin instead of slow-acting. I would never normally take more than 4 units of fast in one go, ever. As you can imagine, my body wasn’t keen on this and I had a hypoglycaemic crisis which also caused me to go unconscious. A few hours later and after a truly ridiculous amount of glucose, I was “back to normal” as much as possible.

But in the event, it was terrifying. It wasn’t just a whoops, it was a holy shit. It was an all round bad time for everyone involved, including my family. And like, I’ve had this disease for almost all my life. I *know* that the thing I take to keep me alive can also have the reverse effect. I *know* it was a stupid mistake, but it was just a mistake. I’ve taken steps now to make sure it can’t happen again.

But my feelings about it are… weird. I’m grateful it was a short-term event and I came out okay. I’m grateful to the ambo people and the hospital who were kind and supportive. I love my family very, very much. I just feel so wonky about it all. To make such a small mistake that could have had such monumental consequences. Eugh. I am not sure how to unpack it and sit with it in a way that resolves it. My usual process is “acknowledge it, be thankful, get back on the horse”. Which I guess is really the only sensible way as I still need to inject every day and I can’t let it get in my head.

No platitudes please as not needed, but advice on managing my emotions so they don’t feel like spiky weasels would be super useful.

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Zeborah Mar 25

@bloodflowersburning Not diabetic but I once accidentally walked in front of a car and after flying through the air I had a moment of lying in the middle of the road with the certain knowledge that I'd just made a bad mistake and now I was about to die. (As you can tell I didn't, traffic avoided me and someone helped me off the road.)

I think one thing is acknowledge that those are perfectly normal emotions to have.

And another thing is to acknowledge that even if you bounce back quickly, there may still be lingering physiological stuff having an effect on those emotions.

But even if not, they're still perfectly normal emotions! I think an event like that does just stick to you for a good time - the brain's way of saying "Let's please not get that close to death again okay??" I was never really reckless crossing roads but now my brain insists on me being even more careful....

So the emotions have a purpose and I think it's useful to acknowledge that purpose and let them do their job. It's just if/when they get in the way of the other things you need to do in life, that's when you need to find ways of telling them "Thanks for your feedback but we're going in a different direction right now." For me if they keep nagging/going in circles, distraction can be useful, especially distraction that evokes other emotions eg reading a novel, or if I can't focus enough to read then watching a TV drama. That sort of resets the emotions, stops them self-reinforcing, and gives a bit more space for the thinky parts of the brain to take the lead.

I'm sure everyone's a bit different but maybe some of this will help?

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Tee Rex 🏳️‍🌈🦖

@zeborah this does help a lot. I’ve had a lot of anxiety about doing the injections and triple checking everything, but instead of letting it be a worry, I’m just telling myself it’s a sensible and positive thing to do anyway.
I absolutely understand that bit of the brain that tells you “yeah nah, that was bad, let’s never feel that again” as I know it’s doing an important job, I just wish I didn’t feel so… guilty? I think it’s guilt. And stupid. Even thought there is no gain to those feelings, I think it’s mortality reminding you one day will be the day, just make sure it’s not this one, thanks!
Appreciate your thoughts and input. 💜