bug // juneThree images of texts with my birth father here.
Then an exchange with a friend.
I am a victim of violence. I seek aid.
eclexic@bug this looks like a lot of miscommunication. I don't know the person you are messaging, but I think they are trying but don't understand.
@theeclecticdyslexic three of the images are my sex pest father who bullies and manipulates me my whole life. Same goes for my sister and the only reason i wound up in this house was because i had injuries and when i got here the tone changed to nonstop gaslight, harassment, lying, abuse.
One of the images is with a friend i trust.
@bug I see, ya unfortunately it's hard for me, without more experience of these people to identify the gas lighting... As is sort of by design in gas lighting.
I hope your injuries heal quickly!
@theeclecticdyslexic thanks and it' ok but your doubt of me really fucking hurts ;;
@bug I don't mean it as a strike against you.
I am always wary of taking anyone's side completely in relationship dynamics. I've learned that people are very complicated, and it's hard for me to take anything at face value.
@theeclecticdyslexic in case it matters, my father is someone who manipulates people with lies and intimidation all his life. He is known to have illegally squatted on a piece of property for many years. When I asked him those years ago why there was a bagged and tied refrigerator in the back of a nasty old shed there, he snapped and said "there's two bodies in there." He has had maybe six wives, idk. They go missing idk.
I am a furtive human, honest to a fault but weak. Smart, caring, injured.
@theeclecticdyslexic he is also horribly obsessed with sex, to the point of ditching my sister and i as well as his seedy hobby shop business (the back of which was distastful pornography studio) in the 90s to break a younger woman's heart. She had a 13 year old kid. Dunno.
When I stay with him his showers always smell like feces, and various pornography hoards were always around. I was exposed to videos of him performing obscene acts. Due to this spiraling, my older brother also raped me. So .
@theeclecticdyslexic like, my mother had a kid (said brother) with a strip club owner. That man nearly beat her to death many times. She was a dancer. My dad operated a strip club across the street. That was in the bay area, California, 1980s.
I got away from this town and had a ton of growing up to do. I did that. However discrimination against physically disabled and trans people was made legal by Trump. I had severe nerve damage from medical malpractice. I became homeless and was raped more.
@theeclecticdyslexic the injuries i sustained from that were immense. Having also developed Long Covid, I was having upwards of twenty convulsive seizures per day, painful. I had no one who could care for me so I was brought crying and seizuring to be "cared for" by my sister in my dad's filthy disused home that had sat uncleaned for many months. My actions to seek survival and the means of employ and independence have been gated. There has been no "care", only lies and demeaning gaslights. Why?
@theeclecticdyslexic i ask for basic help getting supplies, i'm told in a singsong voice "sooorrryy, you're going to have to pay us money for that". I have been deprived of toilet paper, nerve pain treatments, food, and meanwhile suffer continual "disabling" by the violence of sounds, dusts, scents, and utter lies to everyone by my sister. Dunno what to say, i have said this in over 100 ways in so much art for months now. Nothing much changes, no job responses, art i post gets no attention. So .
@bug I see. There is so much there. I'm very sorry you have had to endure all that.
I don't know where your art is! Maybe try posting pieces on here regularly. I see your PFP and your banner, but I only see a link to your Kofi, but I didn't see if it lead to somewhere you put art! I also saw your factorio mods page.
@theeclecticdyslexic i have been sharing art here and at kikiala on bsky for months
@bug I looked all the way back through your history and see two posts! 39 days ago! I like your way of drawing faces, I find it entrancing.
I think, it would be good to post a piece every couple days. Many artists I follow gain a good following by spacing it out and focusing on sharing one piece at a time!
Music https://kikiala.bandcamp.com/
Films https://archive.org/search?query=creator%3A%22kikiala%22 (chapters is my latest novel, is on ao3 also)
I streamed a lot on twitch, drawing and performing
Bsky, it's similarly just my pleas for freedom lately https://bsky.app/profile/kikiala.bsky.social
I have not had clean internet nor phone, and too hard to endure abuses to draw much lately
Photos https://bsky.app/profile/kikiala.bsky.social/post/3lwnsycxbqs2z
I'll have to resuscitate old bsky for drawings
@bug they don't need to be new ones! Try storing a list of them, maybe post one every couple days. But also, a great way I have found, to get followers on here is to post kind short replies in other people's posts, if they don't have many followers.
I'm pretty new though, I don't have many followers.
@theeclecticdyslexic https://bsky.app/profile/jynell.itch.io/post/3lpmvpezf722f - some old art dump, there are a lot more of my attempts to "exist" or "seek financial capacity" there to no fucking avail
I have basically been erased, so
https://bsky.app/profile/jynell.itch.io/post/3lpmvpezf722f
Nothing fucking changes, so
@theeclecticdyslexic I'll give it a try. It just seems hopeless because I was striving to prove my worth to a world that ignored me and continued to worsen my life with abuse for many many years.
@bug I don't totally understand all of your films and music! I might not be the right audience for them. They are very experimental, which can be hard to lure in supporters with sometimes.
Your music has such interesting cover art. You have a way with colour I find very visceral. It has some "punch" to it. I don't often see art like that.
@theeclecticdyslexic It's not even that I am trying to lure supporters, at this point I am trying to perform a global takedown of fascism, capitalism, the USA, and also my fucking idiot family
@bug that's a pretty big goal. It's also more focused on changing others, rather than making your own life better. I think, the best thing to do is nurture both your mind and body. I also think, living well is incredible revenge.
I think, the fact you shared all of that with me suggests you are feeling very isolated. That isn't good for anyone's mind.
I think focusing on improving your life will make the world a little better... and it's something you have more control over than most things.
@theeclecticdyslexic I dedicate every day of my life to wellness. Navigating the unhealthy situations takes a great toll. I rest, isolate myself from abusers, and have been spending hours every day sorting and packing my things. I pray for employment and escape, but this is arduous within confinement and abuse. As well, it has seemed that my internet presence is somehow gated or guarded. Sure, I might just be unpopular, but how come all my wisdom and love seems to be echoed by the feeds I see?
@bug I don't think your internet is gated, after all... I'm talking to you!
I think your feeds are built from following things that mean something to you... so it reflects back to you what you choose to engage with. This can happen both with algorithmic content recommendations, and with following people you agree with.