Life update: working in an elementary school is among the most meaningful jobs I've had.
It's also one of the most demanding and I'm just a substitute. There's a Swedish verb for a mass that has had soluble components removed through percolation: "urlakad". It's used metaphorically for humans, meaning "drained, exhausted" and that's exactly how I feel every evening.
Before this I knew teachers were under-appreciated even in Sweden. Now I know they're super-under-appreciated.
I'm going to get an "utredning" (the process of seeing if one is on the spectrum) - not really because I need help, but because then I can be open about it. We have kids with autism in school, and I know that role models and representation matter.
I have told the special ed teacher that I likely have autism with hyper-empathy, and she asked me a question I never thought about:
"In what ways has it been helpful or positive to be at your place on the spectrum?"
When I think about it, I believe that me being good with kids, and animals, is because of it. I have developed a language with the dogs, where they use body language, signs or use low growls to tell me what they want (or if they want to be left alone).
It has also made me very aware of unfairness. I've learned to dull it over the years, but I still feel the same thing I did as a kid whenever I see or hear of unfairness. Yeah, the world is unfair, so we needn't add to it.
@punishmenthurts I think I see your point. To me, it's what comes with the package, and I do not mind feeling a lot, now that I allow myself to (it's been a journey of almost a decade to unschackle myself from the 80s and 90s collective unconscious' abusive belief that "boys don't cry").
My mind works in accelerated mode in social situations whether I want to or not, but by choosing where/with who I spend this energy makes it feel a super-power to me.
@punishmenthurts I'm not sure I follow, but I that might be because I'm new to all this. I realized that I'm on the spectrum last year, at the age of 47. In hindsight, events in my life etched into my memory make so much more sense through the spectrum of autism/hyper-empathy.
To me and in hindsight, the meta-realization was that I put my own needs first ahead of the group's to please two individuals out of 10). It was like an existential version lf "if it's always on anyway …".
Michael Kazarnowicz
Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama