Life update: working in an elementary school is among the most meaningful jobs I've had.
It's also one of the most demanding and I'm just a substitute. There's a Swedish verb for a mass that has had soluble components removed through percolation: "urlakad". It's used metaphorically for humans, meaning "drained, exhausted" and that's exactly how I feel every evening.
Before this I knew teachers were under-appreciated even in Sweden. Now I know they're super-under-appreciated.
I'm going to get an "utredning" (the process of seeing if one is on the spectrum) - not really because I need help, but because then I can be open about it. We have kids with autism in school, and I know that role models and representation matter.
I have told the special ed teacher that I likely have autism with hyper-empathy, and she asked me a question I never thought about:
"In what ways has it been helpful or positive to be at your place on the spectrum?"
When I think about it, I believe that me being good with kids, and animals, is because of it. I have developed a language with the dogs, where they use body language, signs or use low growls to tell me what they want (or if they want to be left alone).
It has also made me very aware of unfairness. I've learned to dull it over the years, but I still feel the same thing I did as a kid whenever I see or hear of unfairness. Yeah, the world is unfair, so we needn't add to it.
I'm better at relationships than I would have been if I had been "normalstörd" (the Swedish colloquialism for "normie", lit. "normally disturbed").
I'm a better colleague. When I worked at Hyper Island with group dynamics based on Susan A Wheelan's research, everyone was required to take an UGL (Understading Group and Leaders - the Swedish Defense College's practical implementation of the research)
It's a five day residential course, with experience based learning always done with strangers.
You solve increasingly complex tasks without one right answer, and get the theories about the stage you're in after the experience., and what is required from the group and the leader in order to progress.
(Ms. Wheelan has quantified the productivity of the stages, it's 20% in stage1, and 4x that in stage.)
You give each other honest feedback based on giraffe talk, which improves relationships and frees up subconscious processes even normies cannot turn off (sociality is deep in our genes).
The two facilitators rarely give feedback or individual advice, based on awareness power dynamics, and not interfering in the group dynamics (trusting the process).
During Thursday dinner, one of them asked me about what I thought about that day. We had made good progress Monday through Wednesday, but Thursday had stalled and regressed.
In hindsight, in the following conversation he guided me to the insight, but I was being dense so he spelled it out: "You know, you can reject feedback too"
The previous day, two in our group (of eleven total) had given me the feedback that I took up too much space in the group, so I spent Thursday in the back seat.
I didn't mind it, but it was frustrating to see the group start to frazzle and bicker.
He was right too. Everyone always had a chance to be heard, and I tended to use it, whereas they did not. It was a fundamental moment that helped tremendously in managing (then to me unknown but by my manager strongly suggested) super-power.
If you are equals, then everyone is responsible for their own experience and agency. Maybe it doesn't sound very profound to normies, but I was 31 years old when I had that realization.
It helped me to relax that part of my super-power that listens for needs of the other(s). There were so many ripple effects from that moment (and another, less flattering insight that I sometimes acted like a douche) - like that I could become more of my genuine self with others. And a better colleague.
It was all about the framing: I channeled my instinctively wanting to help them into the immediate (tied their shoes). That experience helped me expand the frame to the bigger picture (teaching them to tie their shoes). The two years I worked at Hyper Island let me put that into practice.
It was a really trippy school to work for, guiding students through a meta-process while undergoing that same meta-process yourself.
@punishmenthurts I think I see your point. To me, it's what comes with the package, and I do not mind feeling a lot, now that I allow myself to (it's been a journey of almost a decade to unschackle myself from the 80s and 90s collective unconscious' abusive belief that "boys don't cry").
My mind works in accelerated mode in social situations whether I want to or not, but by choosing where/with who I spend this energy makes it feel a super-power to me.
@punishmenthurts I'm not sure I follow, but I that might be because I'm new to all this. I realized that I'm on the spectrum last year, at the age of 47. In hindsight, events in my life etched into my memory make so much more sense through the spectrum of autism/hyper-empathy.
To me and in hindsight, the meta-realization was that I put my own needs first ahead of the group's to please two individuals out of 10). It was like an existential version lf "if it's always on anyway …".
Michael Kazarnowicz
Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama