Douglas GroundsMar 8
Alex Psmith

I learned after my partner was killed that all the people I thought were close become more distant. Instead of people reaching out to be supportive, people were avoidant of the person who is sad and wanted a friend. I noticed it with each tragedy- my mum's suicide, my closest friends passing away suddenly and unexpectedly one after the other. And I noticed it again after the breast cancer diagnosis.

Death makes a lot of people uncomfortable, and feeling empathy makes a lot of people uncomfortable, and expressing sympathy or just being kind and supportive seems to make a lot of people feel uncomfortable. And a lot of people deal with that feeling by being distant or angry, even ghosting.

Society cares nothing for what we are or were or have been through, it cares only for what we can offer (AKA produce). This is a sort of intellectually pure capitalist notion that underpins a whole lot of social activity. This can be seen in our interpersonal relationships; people want stuff from us, and they want it irrespective of our history, bodily condition, mental state, degree of economic disadvantage, etc.

An important lesson that I finally learned is that these are their failings as friends and human beings, and not a reflection of my own worthlessness.

Mar 7 at 11:24pmWeb
Show threadChris Mackay 🇨🇦Mar 7
@alexpsmith 100%
Show threadNickMar 7
@alexpsmith I missed the news about the diagnosis and I’m very sorry. Sending love and support for your treatment and recovery.
Show threadpenpencilbrush🇨🇦Mar 7
@alexpsmith That's a painful lesson to learn, involving a lot of disappointment. Hang in there. Moving forward.
Show threadepiPelagic PuckMar 7
@alexpsmith
I found this out after my husband died. A couple months later his partner's wife said if I needed anything to let her know. I told her I would love a visit, the house was so quiet and having someone visit would be lovely. Never heard from her again. The only one who showed up for me was their former secretary who came by every week or two and was a friend, even though she was still in her 20s. She saved my miserable ass. I finally gave up my home and moved back to Florida (US) where I had family. Good move for me, and valuable lesson learned.
Show threadChookMother 🇦🇺🦘Mar 8
@alexpsmith I know what you're talking about, Alex. People say "Let me know if there's anything I can do, but if you ask them to do just one thing, they go into a panic that you might demand too much or become dependent on them.
Show threadMark AsserMar 8
@alexpsmith Yes. People are so often conspicuously absent when they could actually be useful just by being there. My paper address book (yes, a relic) has more crossed-out entries than live ones.
Show threadthe roamerMar 8

@alexpsmith

Oh, I also had missed that you've had this diagnosis. Wishing you a good treatment, and inner strength.

Yes, most people don't know how to cope with a situation where a friend needs quiet support, or a listenng ear, or some other unselfish attention. Frailty is such a taboo, and true empathy is not a natural gift. Staying away seems safer to them. I have experienced these disappointments myself, and I have seen how it happened to my father when he was incapacitated. Thankfully there are alwatys true friends too.

Sending good thoughts your way.

Show threadBЯIΛПMar 8
@alexpsmith Yeah, it's not you. A lot of people are uncomfortable dealing with death or another's grief. Certainly this is more common in some societies than others.
Someone grieving shouldn't be seen as a burden. At the very least friends should be there to listen, and make themselves available. That would be a start. You seem to be pretty independent in life, but everyone needs a little extra support once in a while.
Sending you whatever positive vibes I have left. Not sure the transit time from here in USA to AUS. Shipping label has been generated. 🙃
Show threadD2Mar 8

@alexpsmith I don’t know if it’ll help, but this helped me: I complained (to a mortician) that standing stoically as a line voiced funeral condolences *sucked*. Like, inner-ring-of-hell kind of raw repetitive pain. I think I said the practice made no sense to me and whoever came up with it needed to die in a fire. The mortician said no, it was Doing Something Important: each person in that line was crossing off ‘say something , even if I don’t know what to say’. If they don’t do it here, they’d let it slip by, and they wouldn’t go through that shared mourning expected of them. Then they duck and shun us in daily life because they still lack the words. And the grieving family is hurt again.

IANAE, but consider that there are folks who DO empathize. And like you said, we profoundly suck at wading into the uncomfortable for you. And now we’re embarrassed that we’re past due in doing so, too.

None of this helps when the loss and the isolation double-team me. But I do try to remember it and act (repeatedly) when a friend is grieving.

Show threadKimMar 8

@alexpsmith

🫂

Show threadChris VreelandMar 8

@alexpsmith I missed the diagnosis, and I’m really sorry. I go two ways with this- I care about people even if I only “know” them online, but offering up words of sympathy sometimes feels hollow and performative to me (although I’m very sincere!) because there’s nothing effectual I can do to positively back the words up and actually be helpful. So I sometimes hesitate. Not because I’m uncomfortable.

But sometimes, the words themselves can be helpful? I just overthink it. Please be well.

Show threadDrew Crecente (they)Mar 8

@alexpsmith

I'm sorry you've learned this and hope you're doing as well as possible 🧡

Show threadGreem (Graeme. Not Graham!)Mar 9

@alexpsmith I've been trying to wrap my head around my own experiences of this, and I can't without making it seem like trite waffle so I won't.

I hear ya loud and clear though. Most people suck and haven't grown up with enough empathy towards them or from them. I've lost friends too.

Still, your strength comes from within. You'll feel shit and might even question your own existence if treatment is really tough, but you'll walk on the beach and the dogs will still love you. Hugs from me.

Show threadsenMar 12
@alexpsmith All I can say is, cancer sucks mate (I hope you kick its ass), and I hope you can fill your life with those that support you 🫂