One of the main lessons I have learned, both from Black feminists and as a long time public-facing Black writer, is that this is a battle I do not want to fight on their ground.

Toni Morrison said this very well in her A Huminist's View speech. She was talking about the social battle, but I have found that this applies to the individual battle as well.

What does fighting on their ground mean? It means responding. It means reacting. If someone misgenders you and then tries to justify it IN ANY WAY, then you are already on their ground. Because they have already decided they know who you are.

#Misgendering #MisgenderingResponse

If you respond to their questions, their justifications, you are reacting.

They will ask you what you were born as, they will ask you what your mother called you, they will ask you what your driver's license says. What they are doing is forcing you to prove your own validity.

But here's the truth, like Morrison said: There will always be one more thing.

Because the goal is not to ensure your validity, the goal is to ensure you are invalid.

This is not an honest fight. They will keep going until they find some proof that you are a lie. But here's the thing… if you are talking about this, they already believe you are a lie. Nothing will shake that. This is their ground.

#Misgendering #MisgenderingResponse

Here's a slightly richer take on reacting, something you see in Democratic discourse all the time.

Responding activates their frame.

Here's the thing, if someone says anything about you, and you argue back about whether that thing is true, then you have validated the truth of their argument simply by responding.

The moment this man calls me "he," he activated the frame he wanted activated. From that moment on, any argument with him happens in the framing of "I am assumed to be a man and must prove otherwise."

If I say anything to counter this, then what I am doing is validating the need that it is an argument he was entitled to make.

#Misgendering #MisgenderingResponse