im like suddenly an adult in charge of her own damn self again.

feels weird.

#MimsV

im leaning up against my room's very decorative support pillar rather than laying down cause im so tired of laying down

#MimsV

just checked the transit app to see what the bus line closest to the gender clinic is.

i shit you not, its 69.

#MimsV

just sittin on a lump of ice, now. this is my life.

#MimsV

the irony of my being antsy and not wanting to lie here in bed is that i would have been fine doing that before i became a gym bunny, but i became a gym bunny to prepare for this.

#MimsV

NO, brain, this is NOT a good time for a sex dream!

#MimsV

i have never in my life wanted so bad to poop

omg

#MimsV

omfg best poop of my life

#MimsV

i cannot help but imagine my organs shuffling around getting accustomed to the new layout, like clerical workers moving into a new office.

bladder: okay but where do i file my outgoing?

rectum: im wondering the same thing and why are you in my way?

bladder: ive got such a backlog, hold on. oh, i have a handy tube!

rectum: why dont i get a handy tube?

vagina: hey guys!

rectum: who the fuck are you?

bladder: she's the new girl.

urethra: guys? guys? hello? where the fuck am i?!

#MimsV

just casually said the phrase "my labia" and whoa what the fuck

#MimsV

i get to shower tomorrow.

i want to shower today.

now, in fact.

i want to be in a shower right now instead of tooting.

or lets be honest: in the shower and still tooting, just not the fediverse version. 🍑🎺

#MimsV

the optimized sequence of actions in different rooms that comprise my mornings feels an awful lot like those text-based gender bender slice of life games i used to play.

#MimsV

i went OUTSIDE!!! :D

#MimsV

Dammit @NicolaElle we forgot to take a selfie!

anyway Nikki was here. i promise. i have no photographic proof but i swear she was here.

#MimsV

i miss sleeping on my side

#MimsV

i just put my dilation schedule onto my calendar.

jebus freakin crow.

that is so much time.

#MimsV

well that was a fun emotional freakout trainwreck

#MimsV

brain: you know what time it is?

me: way too early in the morning of a big day for which i should have a full night's rest?

brain: wut?

me: is it sleep time?

brain: pshaw, no, its time for some shadow work!

me: i took you to therapy specifically so you could do this there and then, not here and now!

brain: so shadow work is when we…

#MimsV

bandages off, first look at the results, and wow so many emotions.

not all of them good. but on balance good. and as the day goes on, the balance tips further towards good.

at first look my initial response was, "yep, that's a vulva" with zero emotional response. which was… worrying.

(she also looks like she just had a fight with a wolverine, which probably didnt help.)

it felt like a lot of effort for results that didnt really tip any scales.

#MimsV

then i got to shower, which was an unalloyed good.

afterwards i looked in the mirror again and still felt nothing.

i reminded myself that nothing was still better than bottom dysphoria, but my bottom dysphoria has always been muted and erratic. it didnt feel like a win.

ive also still got a catheter in, and the packing material is secured with really awkward sutures in the perineum, and these things also dont help.

#MimsV

but then it was time to air dry, so i put on some music and laid down on my terrible hospital bed and sort of let things percolate.

how my legs and hips move is… still provisional, because of catheter and packing sutures, but i can kind of sense the shape of things to come, and that is encouraging.

theres also a ton of stubble, which is kind of tactiley terrible but will pass as hair grows back in. i kind of have to willfully discount how that feels.

#MimsV

and lying there, not looking at the swelling and bruising, i very gently explored with fingers and…

yeah, this will do. she *feels* right, even through the swelling and stubble, even if she doesnt look right (yet?). and i expect that to only get better once the catheter is out and i dont need to navigate around it.

and its at that point that i started smiling.

ive still got a long road ahead, but i can feel now that its gonna be good.

#MimsV

okay the air drying is going to drive me fucking bonkers.

#MimsV

this process alternates between transcendant vistas of self-actualization and soooo much worrying about piss and shit

#MimsV

also i have officially joined the This Fucking Catheter Needs To Fucking Go party train. with any luck, tomorrow morning.

#MimsV

fun new variation:

bit of skin: help, im itchy!

me: hold on, let me very delicately try and find where youre at now…

skin: oh wow i so need a little scratchy-scratch

me: hm. i regret to inform you, hon, that youre on the inside and i havent unlocked that level yet.

skin: but—

me: dont worry, tho, you just need to hold on about six hours.

#MimsV

back in the latter half of the "hurry up and wait" routine this morning.

packing and catheter out soon…ish?

#MimsV

so that was an experiene

#MimsV

guess who managed to, in her first dilation lesson, KICK her dilator WHILE it was inserted?

yeah.

im just naturally talented.

#MimsV

nurse explaining the importance of air drying: basically youre going to be naked as often as possible

me: johanne, i have been training for this moment my whole life.

#MimsV

okay but seriously how do you not just fall asleep during dilation?

#MimsV

gonna have a nap while air drying tho

#MimsV

the stereotypical trans obsession with thigh highs makes more sense now tho.

my toes are so cold

#MimsV

its like my hips have been unlocked all over again, and i can feel how, once things heal up and are less swollen, this is only the beginning.

the way i move is gonna be totally different.

O.O

#MimsV

why hello there, thigh gap, i didnt realize you were part of the surgical package

#MimsV

im already having to remind myself that i did not have this genital configuration my entire life. everything's been tucked in, splayed out, or folded up in ways that they "should have been" in the first place and, swelling and bruising aside, its like my body wants to just settle in and pretend its always been this way.

#MimsV

…which sounds weird and kind of irrational, but when somebody gets some congenital problem with their legs fixed, nobody expects them to keep limping, or tell everyone they meet that they didnt used to be able to run and jump. they just… live their normal lives.

for some reason* we treat transgender healthcare differently, tho. i wish we could just treat it like what it is: a largely fixable and ultimately trivial problem.

it could be so simple.

* patriarchy

#MimsV

theres no such thing as too much lube

#MimsV #dilation

i do not feel like i am finally whole.

i do, though, feel like i now have a matched set.

we all have different victory conditions.

#MimsV