The short way or the long way? I'm on the long path—in every way.

My therapist observed in a recent session that I had put myself down numerous times in just a few minutes. It's not that I believe the negative view of myself, I say. It's that I'm trying to head off the criticism that I feel might be obvious. Because I think the "prevailing take" on me would naturally be negative. Whether that convoluted reasoning makes sense, it's still worth examining.

What I'm saying is that I feel the short way to describe me is the negative one. In order to present myself positively I feel that it requires a lot of explanation. That's a problem.

I contain multitudes. At least one of which is a bully. And I think that the narrow minded bully view is the most likely. The world I live in tells me so. The me that I want to be is in opposition to this prevailing world. I think it relates to why I don't feel part of any community. I have rarely if ever found myself among a gentle, caring community. Even the kind people I know still submit to the prevailing cruel world. It's why I so want to escape into another culture that I can respect. I don't believe in a culture of mutual love & respect where I am currently. Even when I'm among caring people! What's that about? Pessimism? It comes down to the pervasiveness of the system. I feel it acutely & want relief. I think the fastest, surest path to lasting relief is escape into a different value system that's closer to mine. I tell myself that I'm not abandoning the kind people within my system of origin. My intention & hope is to escape into an environment that enables me to function better & with love; & from that place of healing I'll be able to transmit art available to my former compatriots. I think the US environment is one of the most dysfunctional on Earth. I want out because I feel better outside. I want to give myself that love.

OK that was kind of a detour. That's why I joined this site where I can ramble. Do I want to go back to talking about the bully in me? The detour wasn't a detour, because my bullying side is my prevailing US culture side. The one who hates me for all the ways I don't conform. I don't know if it serves any purpose to put those hateful negatives into words here. It's easy to imagine. How about this, I'll describe myself without bigotry & I think it will be clear that there are opposing views on these traits:

• Queer
• Sensitive
• Disabled
• Humanist (Atheist)
• Artist
• Abstract, Relativist,
• Leftist anti-capitalist, believing in equal rights for all, cultural diversity, equal justice under law, dignity for all that includes providing a minimal standard of living (health, education, enjoyment) for all
• Respecter of emotion, the path of emotional healing, mind-body connection (so that when I spoke of health as part of the minimal standard of living I include emotional wellbeing, safety, nutrition, medical care, etc.) [In fact many of these traits can be folded within the others. Respecting all is humanist & it all fits into my ideal of an artist, but others have different definitions.]

I feel that the world that I live in is antagonistic to all the above.

This account is where I ramble. I'm avoiding the point that I started out making. It's all related, but it's painful for me to put bluntly into words that...

It takes more energy & convolution for me to express positive values than negative ones. The negative ones come so readily. That's why I lead with those so often. I think that prejudices are the prevailing values in my culture & world. In some sense negativity feels more real. It takes convoluted effort for me to express good values. An apt analogy would be all the times that I hear a U.S. politician praise Martin Luther King; I don't believe that they are in sync with his views. Cognitive dissonance is when innermost thoughts are in conflict. Do I feel that I don't believe in my stated values? I think that the issue is that they feel like fantasy to me. I don't know. I think that I need to think about this more. Can't I survive without the outside world conforming to my views? I guess so but it's damn hard. There are entities who reflect my values. Every one of them is an underdog, so it seems. But I suspect it's the majority! That's the conflict at the heart of the work that I want to put into that world.

There's a fight within me for my positive values to overcome deep-rooted programming that I now label as dysfunctional. Every day I get hit with attempts at reinforcing the negative programming. Those are pervasive, whereas positive & healing messages are the ones that I have to seek out.

I haven't finished discussing this topic, but I will pause here & post, to return to another time.

#healR