Your car is here.
Debian should be a small truck (i.e. one that’s actually used for cargo, not as a penis prosthetic), and the bottom right is clearly Gentoo!
I can’t remember the name of it, but there’s one type of inexpensive small truck that I see people wishing for in the US constantly. Very utilitarian and barebones.
That’s the one!
It’s a type of kei car
Kei car - Wikipedia

These kinds of trucks are called kei trucks.
1995 Toyota Hilux
All i see is a technical waiting to be born.
That fits the vibe of Debian very well!
I’d just like to interject for a moment. What you’re referring to as a technical, is in fact, GNU/Technical, or as I’ve recently taken to calling it, GNU plus Technical. 
No one realizes how perfect of a choice this actually is.
Best episode they ever did.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnWKz7Cthkk

Killing a Toyota Part 1 | Top Gear | BBC

www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTPnIpjodA8

Killing a Toyota Part 2 | Top Gear | BBC

www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFnVZXQD5_k

Killing a Toyota Part 3 | Top Gear | BBC

Killing a Toyota Part 1 | Top Gear | BBC

YouTube
Can you explain why? I am from Germany … we don’t have that kind of pickup.
You likely had it 20+ years ago, especially in the mountains. The Hilux pickup is fairly indestructible. Top Gear did an episode where they tried to kill one (linked below in other comments) and couldn’t. It’s rather impressive. I’ve seen the same exact model rolling around Africa and the Balkans today. ISIS fighters were known for using them as platforms for large-caliber guns. It’s all about basic utility, stability, Toyota parts are easy to swap out, and adaptability to anything you feel like bolting on to it.

Please…

For some reason I associate the colour red to the Renault Express. C15 is off white.
C15 was probably white in 1986 and is now a mixture of dirt, moss, rust and soot. And somehow still works perfectly (except for the radio).
Debian with a facelift, that’s Ubuntu, no?
Perfection. I have moved with one of these.

Ehhh, I think Debian should be like a 10-15 year old civic or something. You know an “ol’ reliable” type. It isn’t up to date and it’s not flashy, but it works and it works well.

Mint would probably be like a 2 year older version but with a fresh coat of paint and a lifted suspension.