luminelle_roseAs an asexual girl who still wants a male partner, would “scheduled sex” be a dealbreaker for men?
You’d have to also find a man who is only interested in sex to “get his needs met” which is much more rare than Hollywood leads people to believe.
Huh. Didn’t even think of this. My asexuality is probably affecting my perception of sex in general. In my mind that’s how I think men see sex.
As a man… Sometimes I question this lol
Some men are people too…?
SoleInvictusAll men are people but some men are more people than others.
CountVonIn the early 90s in sex ed they told us all, as a group, that men are only looking for sex to get a load off and women are nothing but submissive cum dumpsters except and of course obviously your life partner who you submit to on your wedding night and stay with forever. Literally we were taught this in public school. It’s no wonder people view sex and gender the way you do. Nowadays thankfully we view both sex and gender as individual.
To respond to your original idea, it sounds like a compromise. When you find the right person (and there’s someone for everybody) you won’t have compromise on that core, basic level. That’s what sexual compatibility is.
amniotic druidWhat do you mean, you never got the “women are nothing but submissive cum dumpsters” talk?
slothrop
AsoFiafiaAgreed. Although, I was taught that the reason our privates had darker skin was because it was bruised from constant fapping. “If y’all would just leave them wieners and cooters alone they’d look damn normal!”
I didn’t pull it for almost a month and a half and after no change I decided she was wrong. LOL
You’re getting downvoted, but I experienced much of the same. So much misogyny and, looking back on it, toxic masculinity. I vividly remember the bit where they used tape to illustrate “purity” of not having multiple partners.
This would’ve been the late 90s, US Midwest.
stinermanMy wife is on the ace spectrum. She enjoys sex, but only experiences reactive sexual desire (i.e. she’ll get in the mood once sex is basically already happening). Effectively she does not experience sexual desire in the way people typically mean that.
That’s been a struggle for us. We don’t do scheduled sex, but it’s something we’ve considered. Even though we have very good (if infrequent) sex, the frequency isn’t the thing that’s hard for me to deal with. The hardest thing is not feeling desired in ways I am used to in relationships. That has made me feel insecure and just overall is not great. But it’s something we’ve had to work through.
So all that goes to say: yes, if you find the right person you’ll be able to make it work. The key, in my opinion, is talking about it and being very clear about how you’re wired and that it isn’t anything wrong with them.
It’s definitely affecting it, yes.
For most people being sexually desired and knowing they are is a very important part of a relationship.
Sex is more than fucking. The fucking is great but even medium term, there absolutely needs to be more. As others have mentioned it’s about a connection, intimacy, and feeling sexually desired.
The scheduled part is only something that would bother someone without kids. With kids, you either schedule sex or only have it very rarely.
Scheduled isn’t a dirty word, it just means you’re making time for someone you care about. I’ve found it’s nice to have a time to look forward to.
I have only surface level knowledge of ace folks, so pardon the question: is scheduled intimacy something you could look forward to and enjoy? With optional sex… knowing that the sex isn’t something you need.
If being intimate without sex isn’t enjoyable to you, it you don’t think you could make someone feel desired (at any level, since it’s obviously not going to be sexual desire!,) then I would suggest looking for other ace or ace-leaning folks.
I have a partner like this. Only I didn’t know for 10 years. Only noticed she would do her duty. I can assure you this is not enough. She is the avoidant type and can’t help it. Now we have three kids and I can’t leave them. Sex is out of the question now obviously and life together is hard.
Divorcing doesn’t mean leaving them. It can be possible to separate amicably. You’re likely to be a better father to your children if you take care of yourself, too
x00zDude sounds pretty miserable, I don’t know if opening the marriage is going to solve that
It could fix a marriage, and it’s something they can try before divorce.
If she does not want it, that’s a totally different story.
I’m in no way opposed to anyone opening their marriage, however I think the number of couples for whom opening a marriage also saves their marriage is miniscule compared to the number of people who separate and are happier for it
My parents moved into separate bedrooms when I was 6. My mom moved out when I was 10.
It was an incredible relief for us children. Not because we hated her or anything.
But the fighting stopped. Both of them stopped drinking daily. The constant, tense atmosphere at home was gone.
We continued living with our dad, but spent most of the day at our mom’s place 3x a week.
Weekends were usually spent with both parents. Because since they weren’t forced to live together anymore, they actually got along very well in a friendly way.
Later we celebrated big holidays together with my parents AND their respective new partners, and my mom was present at my dad’s second wedding, as was her new partner.
It probably doesn’t work out like that very often. But your children feel when a marriage is only sustained “for their sake”, even if they aren’t conscious of it and can’t put it into words. So separation can also be better for them.
It was an incredible relief for us children. Not because we hated her or anything.
But the fighting stopped. Both of them stopped drinking daily. The constant, tense atmosphere at home was gone.
We continued living with our dad, but spent most of the day at our mom’s place 3x a week.
Weekends were usually spent with both parents. Because since they weren’t forced to live together anymore, they actually got along very well in a friendly way.
Later we celebrated big holidays together with my parents AND their respective new partners, and my mom was present at my dad’s second wedding, as was her new partner.
It probably doesn’t work out like that very often. But your children feel when a marriage is only sustained “for their sake”, even if they aren’t conscious of it and can’t put it into words. So separation can also be better for them.
It’s obviously hard to know how my childhood would have been had my parents divorced, but my main “benefit” from them staying together is that I saw who I didn’t want to be. That’s not much. It soured my views on marriage, which only got worse when my long-term partner’s parents started pushing for it. Both my now-in-laws were remarried, telling me how important marriage was, while also having a relationship with each other as contentious as my own parents. (Eventually, I had 8 friends get married in one year and the whole thing clicked for me with much, much healthier examples)
Would life have been worse with split parents? Who knows. No way of telling. Lose some negativity, potentially add a ton of instability.
I can’t recommend one way or the other. I only ask you consider your own mental health and attitude and how it affects your family’s home life. But the one thing I can say pretty confidently (and of course don’t know if you do this): as frustrating as shit gets, do not trash talk your spouse to your kids. And if you’re really trying to explain to them why your spouse is hurting you, you better be as innocent as you portray yourself. I took my dad’s words to heart and despised my mom through my teen years, only to come around in my 20s and realized it was my dad who was the mean one. The stories didn’t add up. I mean, he literally complained to me once (after I saw the truth) that my mom withheld sex for 2 years for some bullshit set of reasons that included everything except himself. It was pretty clear at that point she had no interest in the miserable old man he became, along with him watching political “news” all day, complaining about dinner not being done, not cleaning, etc.
Kids see everything. They aren’t naive forever.
Not all men are the same, so there is no one answer to this.
It definitely wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me. I’m in a similar situation with my wife and we have a very happy marriage.
One condition for me personally is that I’m free to “take care of myself” without her having issues with that, or interrogating me who I think about when I do it.
Whether you’re OK with your partner watching porn is another subject you’ll have to discuss with him.
So basically, the golden rule of relationships applies: Everything is allowed as long as everyone involved consents willingly.
It definitely wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me. I’m in a similar situation with my wife and we have a very happy marriage.
One condition for me personally is that I’m free to “take care of myself” without her having issues with that, or interrogating me who I think about when I do it.
Whether you’re OK with your partner watching porn is another subject you’ll have to discuss with him.
So basically, the golden rule of relationships applies: Everything is allowed as long as everyone involved consents willingly.
It’s just like Rush Limbaugh said: if there is consent on [all sides], it’s perfectly fine, whatever it is.
There’s no real need for me to bring up the dead conservative talking head here, but I still laugh to myself sometimes when I remember how mockingly he got it exactly right, and maybe someone else could use a laugh too.
loutr
Poplar?No need to reply if this is too personal. When you say “similar situation”, you mean your wife is ace? I dont know much about this so Im curious why else a spouse might not want sex at all.
I don’t know what the terminology is exactly.
She enjoys sex, but she doesn’t really have a sex drive. For her it’s a completely optional fun activity, not a need.
But we cuddle and kiss a lot.
She enjoys sex, but she doesn’t really have a sex drive. For her it’s a completely optional fun activity, not a need.
But we cuddle and kiss a lot.
First step should probably be looking for an asexual guy.
I don’t think a high or even average sex drive guy in his 20-30 would be very happy. But there are low drive guys too, and if you keep looking you’re doomed to succeed.
Curious how compatibility with a high-sex-drive ace and a low-sex-drive allo would compare typically.
For me yes.
I’m not trying to shame you or anything, you are who you are, but your entire sentence and intent while well meaning, is an utter turn off. A chunk of me being into it is having my partner into it.
There’s enough fish in the sea that there’s probably a guy out there’ll that’ll be a fit if you try hard enough to look, but if I were a bettin man I’d wager they are considerably few in number. How you act during sex also matters, whether act or not. Basically, I doubt many men would be fine with a “dead fish.”
I love this idea.
For some people sex is a minor thing, what matters is emotional closeness. You can have closeness without sex.
I think you can find someone without too much sex easily, I hear all over the place that men are actually tiring of sex just as much as many women are.
The main difference being that women often think it’s their fault when men don’t want to have sex.
I think you can find someone without too much sex easily, I hear all over the place that men are actually tiring of sex just as much as many women are.
The main difference being that women often think it’s their fault when men don’t want to have sex.
Yeah, this would be it for me. If my partner didn’t want to have sex, fine, not a big deal. But if my partner didn’t want to sit next to me and lean on me? If my partner didn’t want to hold hands or hug me from behind while I’m cooking? If I didn’t get a sudden jump into my lap and an insistent plead for a shoulder rub?
Those would break me. Even for the folks who don’t want to admit it, there is a driving need for intimacy, and sex just often sort of fits that need or is used to mask it.
If you’re okay with sex and aren’t repulsed, why does it have to be scheduled?
Normally, romantic evenings and dates lead to sex, would that be enough of a “schedule”?
I.e. you have a romantic evening with your partner, and he is making moves to escalate, so you know he has “needs” tonight.
ℕ𝕖𝕞𝕠It would be a deal breaker for me.
There’s nothing wrong with scheduled sex and many couples find it useful. I think the bigger issue for me would be that this is essentially “duty sex” though. I don’t think i could be in a relationship with duty sex alone. That’d fuck with my head too much over doing something that i know my SO doesn’t enjoy, plus duty sex is just not fun for me.
Ps. There’s some ace communities around (asexual @lemmy.world and lemmy.blahaj.zone come to mind). Welcome to lemmy!
HoimoCommunity links:
Both could use some more activity. (Like an asexual’s sex life amirite?)
Rikudou_SageIMO there’s a huge difference between “doesn’t enjoy” and “being indifferent”.
Like, me and my partner watch some movies that they’re definitely not enjoying, but they still watch them because we’re together and they don’t not enjoy them.
Point is, you can do things together if you accept the other side is not into it as much as you are.
Yea, no, I wouldn’t recommend searching for this unicorn.
Scheduled sex with someone who’s indifferent to it?
Do you want scheduled emotional closeness with someone who isn’t into it?
“You have received your standard ten minutes of hand holding, please exit the couch and proceed to the kitchen for nutritional time. Five minutes are allotted for hand washing and table-setting.”
Being a great communicator and a generous lover is more attractive than most of the considerations discussed here, so far.
Many the challenges of being ace or on the ace spectrum in a relationship can be overcome by regular use of phrases like:
“Dear, would you like a handjob tonight?” and “I love the look on your face when I fuck you. Let’s fuck tonight.”
Just be sure it is what you really want - it would be kind of silly to put in the needed effort if it is not somehow also serving your needs.
Great communication and generousity are incredibly attractive in a sexual partner, and both can be cultivated by anyone who chooses to put in the practice.
For a majority of men, probably, but not an overwhelming majority. Which still leaves a ton of people you could be compatible with.
Don’t overthink it and try to be something you’re not. Just take your time, get to know people, be curious and honest. Stay true to yourself. Don’t apologize and adapt just because you assume you have to.
You’re not trying to date everyone, just the right one. So why bother with what the rest think?
You’ll find someone that “just works” with who you already are. When you do, your dynamic with come naturally as a result of your unique relationship, and it won’t be precisely the same as any timeshare sex model you might have tried to plan ahead on Lemmy.
Jo MiranAs you can tell by the responses so far, there is no one correct answer other than being very open and upfront about it. Something I might also recommend is dating older men. In many men, the sex drive falls off a cliff after a certain age to where he might not mind scheduled sex, but you still need to show physical warmth and intimacy. Also, if you put yourself on a schedule to initiate sex, he might not even catch on because sex isn’t as big a driver as is once was.
Please don’t take this as anything but yet another different answer to a question with many different answers.
To me personally, sex is like singing together in harmony with your bodies.
sp3ctr4lIf I may ask, without being rude: are you sure you're asexual and not [demisexual](https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Demisexual]? For me, there would be a difference between someone who's really not interested in sex at all vs someone who's really only interested in sex once they've emotionally bonded with a person.
If you are asexual, there are definitely other asexuals out there who would still be interested in having nonsexual partners.
In your original post, you mentioned male partners; I'd also suggest you consider whether you'd be okay with a nonsexual female partner. Again, not trying to be rude, you just seem to be trying to figure out how you can get fit, and I'm not sure what options you've considered.
You should also know that your preferences can change over time, and that's okay as well; it doesn't necessarily mean that you were "wrong" about who you were, it may simply mean something is different about either you or your situation.
Asexual spectrum
The asexual spectrum (abbreviated as acespec, ace spec, or ace-spec)[1] refers to sexual orientations that are asexual or are closely related to asexuality. Identities under the asexual umbrella are closely connected as part of a broad community.[1][2][3] The identities below are listed alphabetically, following asexual itself. Asexual refers to people who do not experience sexual attraction toward others,[2] as well as people who experience limited or conditional sexual attraction[4] and...
What even is this response? That’s like telling a gay person they should try being straight.
As I said, OP seems to be a young person trying to figure how they fit in the world, and they're not giving much information (which is fine). But we're not all born with an innate understanding of all the flavors of sexuality, or all the options out there.
They say they'd like a male partner, which could be situational depending on where they live; it could be a definite preference; or it could be that they're demisexual and haven't realized that's an option. And if they do get a partner, in extremely general terms, there tend to be different benefits depending on which sex you partner with.
xxce2AAbDepends on the man, I suppose. Personally, I wouldn’t be interested for at least two reasons: 1) That arrangement falls well short of the level of consent I’d require to feel comfortable and 2) Sex in and of itself is pointless. I can take ‘care of my needs’ by masturbating on my own. Sex with another person is about more than mere physical pleasure. It’s ideally a feedback loop: Feeling good by making your partner feel good, because you want that for them.
If the person I’m with doesn’t feel good about it, I wouldn’t either. And I would strongly suggest not seeking out that kind of man who thinks otherwise.