🚀 4 AM Update: The Support is Here. The Final Hurdle is Timing.

It’s 4 AM on Sunday. The mask is off. I’ve been in this atmosphere so long I've been able to take off the mask. It's surprising how quickly you get used to things. I've slept, gratefully, and a lot of that is thanks to the reduced stress from seeing your surge of support yesterday.

When I posted in a panicked state about the toxic air and the massive funding gap, you showed up. I need to thank, by name, the people who are funding this exit:

⭐ David Beers
⭐ Samantha Rose
⭐ Meade Isaiah Madrone

And I must thank the four anonymous heroes who—together with the three heroes I listed above—donated a grand total of $435 towards getting me out of this toxic environment and towards a safe home in Pittsburgh.

I'm not there yet, but I'm close. I'm so close. ⌛

The PA LPC license is almost active. The housing and job interviews are next week. I just need to be sure I get there. I cannot let anything get in the way of this. And I won't. Because thanks to you, I'll soon have the means to get out of here.

The final, scary hurdle is that GoFundMe pledges are not instant. This is the part of the crisis no one talks about—having the pledges but not the cash, and still having to figure out how to bridge that 24-hour gap. Knowing the $435 is coming is what gives me the wherewithal to find a solution.

But the hardest part of all this has been what I'm leaving behind. Not the things. Things don't matter. The people. My housemates aren't evil, and they don't deserve to live the way that they do. They live the way they do because of years of untreated trauma. And I lived with them because I had trauma too, and I had no other options available to me at the time.

We let those who need us most pass through our fingers so often, and as you help me, I can't help but feel guilty that I'm not able to help them. Tried, yeah. But as I've also said in therapy, "You can take a horse to water, but you can never force it to drink." And we rely on what we're most familiar with in order to feel safety.

I could see a world in which this whole GoFundMe campaign fails, I give up, and I never do anything more than this. Maybe one day, I'd apply to SSI like the others here. They'd die long before I did, on account of the current of their health, and so I'd inherit their stuff, which I would now have learned how never to let go. I could see an alternate universe in which they joined me. But we're in this one, and I'll have to make do with what I can have in this one. 😿

I am grieving this morning, but I am full of hope. Thank you for building this bridge. We're not at the finish line yet, but the path is visible. I am in awe of your support.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/ellis-emergency-fund

#MutualAid #Trans #TransLatina #EmergencyFund #GoFundMe #Pittsburgh #ThankYou #CommunitySupport #Trauma #MentalHealth #Grief #PleaseBoost #CrunchTime