Mastodawn

I was accused of mansplaining on Mastodon once*.

I was hurt. I felt like she had misread my tone, misunderstood my intent. I felt like I was making a positive contribution to the discussion. I didn't think I had done anything wrong.

So you know what I did?

I deleted my post, acknowledged I was wrong, and apologized.

Sometimes, what we do is the effect it has on others. And I've surely gotten away with mansplaining enough times to make up for taking the L once.

Max Leibman Oct 11

* ~ once that I know of. I may have been accused by people who blocked me before I could see the accusation.

Charlotte Walker Oct 11

@maxleibman A Mastodon friend who I is always courteous and thoughtful apologised to me for mansplaining recently. I hadn’t thought he was!

You have no idea how pertinent and important this post is. Thanks for sharing.

Max Leibman Oct 11

Max Leibman Oct 11

@noondlyt I appreciate the comment. *You*, in turn, have no idea how many times I've drafted versions of this and deleted it without posting (going all the way back to when it first happened, 2+ years ago).

That warms my heart. So much of what we do is unconscious and it requires a lot of consideration and reflection to change that.

@maxleibman Real men can take the L.

David H. McCoy Oct 11

I had someone say that the me on a tech post. I asked her if she was “White-splaining” to me.

My take is I can engage in a tech discussion without such an offensive accusation.

Max Leibman Oct 11

@davidhmccoy Fair enough! Don't take this is a blanket statement that every time the word is invoked it should be treated as sacrosanct truth. Just that some of us (read: me) need to be intentional about not immediately getting defensive about it.

David H. McCoy Oct 11

Agreed.

The worst part of my exchange ( I didn’t start with the white-splain line) was the unwillingness to let me clarify. Then, some rando dude jumped on and went right to rudeness and mouthing off to me.

Him I told to just “eff off.” People really do say things online that they would never say to your face.

Paul Chambers🚧Oct 11

@maxleibman For me, I am conscious in my tone and voice now after I had an similar experience. It made me a better person, imo, to have it pointed out. This was a long time ago. I never intentionally did that, I thought I was contributing.

Now, I try to make sure when I reply to people that I do so from my perspective and understanding, and not in a tone or purpose of "educating" someone, talking down to someone, etc. Also, if I have the compulsion to educate, I move on because no one asked me to be their professor and its not my place.

Max Leibman Oct 11

@paul Totally. In my case, the pattern I so often find myself falling into is not so much wanting to educate or thinking that the person I'm replying to needs it, but wanting to demonstrate I'm smart and knowledgeable on the topic, too. But the effect of that is so often the same.

(And in this particular case, it was on a topic I know *something* about, but it was a lot like as if I had found myself on an elevator with Adele, and I was trying to find common ground with her by describing my last karaoke outing.)

Seán Fenian Oct 11

@maxleibman No matter how incredibly counter it seems to be to American culture, and particularly to American business culture, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG with admitting that you do not know, or that you were wrong. In fact, it is a sign of intellectual/emotional maturity.

Arend (they/them)Oct 11

@maxleibman Thanks for being real. More of us need to understand impact vs. intent. The impact our words and actions have on others may not be our intent, but that doesn't absolve us from taking accountability.

THMcGuire Oct 11

@maxleibman self reflection is both powerful and humbling. It’s the humbling part that is the hardest. Thank you for doing the hard thing. 👍

Steven D. Brewer 🏳️‍⚧️Oct 12

@maxleibman I saw someone who accused someone of mansplaining once where I had genuinely appreciated the contribution that the person had made. So I unfollowed the person who made the accusation. Life is too short to follow arseholes.

V.K. Farfalle 🦋 (He/Him)Oct 12

I've been guilty of mansplaining. More than I care to admit to. I've apologized less than I should and been forgiven more than I've deserved.

But I've never been *ACCUSED* of mansplaining by someone who was actually more qualified than I was or even by anyone who had even half of a clue WTF they were talking about. Some of them weren't even women.

It's an argument of last resort for people who are doing the same damn thing-- but can't even rely on their own unearned confidence.

Max Leibman Oct 12

@vkfarfalle I have seen it used that way; in this case it *was* a woman who was more qualified than I was to speak on the topic.

Again, this wasn’t my read on the situation, but I chose to accept how she saw it and move on.

V.K. Farfalle 🦋 (He/Him)Oct 12

Yeah, by all means, when you're wrong and you know you're wrong you owe it to your own integrity and self-respect to own it, learn from it, and do better. Good on ya for doing it when you only thought you *MIGHT* be wrong.

Not criticizing you at all.

Knowing when to take the L is a virtue that I know I'm lacking in.

Jargoggles Oct 12

@maxleibman
Oh man, do I have some fucking feelings about that.

I had that happen to me once and I thought it was weird, because I wasn't explaining anything and the other person blocked me on the spot.

Know what I did?

First, I thought, "Wait, what just happened?" Then, I took it as a moment in time for that one person in whatever context they read it in, which I'm not privy to or owed.

Know what I didn't do?

I didn't think I knew all about that person from literally one interaction, much less assume it said something about over four-fucking-billion people on the planet. I didn't feel entitled to an explanation or that I had any kind of say whatsoever in how that person curates their feed. I certainly didn't think I knew better than they did about what they should have to read so they wouldn't be trapped in an "echo chamber" (which, purely by coincidence, would include literally whatever I have to say about anything).

This was one person who decided they didn't want to listen to anything I had to say based on one interaction. You know what I call that? Freedom of association. Freedom to choose how that person spends their time. Freedom to determine what kind of experience that person wants to have.

All of this said, I feel like the kind of person who needs to hear this probably gets told they're mansplaining all the fucking time. To that person - what the fuck are you doing to make that happen so often? If you smell something you don't like once, whatever. If you smell it wherever you go? Yeah, that's you, dude.

“If you try to make everyone happy, everyone will be happy but you.”

Bryant McGill

not suggesting you did the wrong thing deleting it.

i feel if i enter someones thread, i am visiting their home, so it is their rules.

and there have been plenty homes i am not going back to.

i just add a note on their personal profile, and check if it is someone i don't follow, that i plan on commenting on.

@maxleibman
I think none of us is immune to this. It is this misconception that 1. you always should be nice to others, you should be honest instead. 2. every positive intent also should be received as such, it is not true if you do not feel like it 3. and positive intents should be replied kindly ... Which kinda intoxicated communication.

I think one can write a book about this topic, ...