I have people who will stand with me, do things for me when I need help, and want to help me out of a genuine desire to do so, not simply because they have something to gain.
I haven't had that often in my #life and I am used to doing everything for myself to the point that I forget resources are there sometimes. Or that I am allowed to ask for assistance.
#cptsd shows up in strange ways like that, a sense of hyper independence that's difficult to get past.
@RationalizedInsanity I'm the opposite in that I was rarely allowed to do anything for myself. I have been infantilised all my life. Even now as a 40+ woman, I am still being told I am too weak to live alone and need a live-in guardian. You would think I was 12.
I would love more than anything to be able to do things by myself without that everlasting dread. I'm taking small steps, but it's not easy.
@SilverArrows @cptsd I can see how that would be traumatic and not fun at all.
I had the opposite problem most of my life of learning to do everything for myself because I was either absolutely fucking terrified of all the people I was related to, or they guilted/punished me so hard for asking for help that I just learned not to since they didn't want people to know about their abuse.
I just always think - if you want someone to stay silent, don't encourage them to become an amazing writer.
The problem with me is I don't know when to shut up 😅
I'm still trying to come to terms with possibly having #CPTSD. I can't recall my childhood as being traumatic, especially compared to what other people have gone through. But I show a lot of the signs, like codependent tendencies, anxious attachment, going into an internal panic at confrontation, feeling the need to mask every emotion, good or bad, just blocking everything out because I don't know how to process it, attracting men who also have CPTSD. That's not including the baggage that growing up undiagnosed autistic gave me.
@SilverArrows CPTSD is really complicated and does not have to be from something dramatic like violence in your childhood.
People who deal with being constantly judged, like you, can develop it as well or a lot of other things but I am no doctor. Just know a lot of people with PTSD.
I have the same problem of never shutting up. Tourettes makes that one hard. If I am excited or emotional, absolutely everything in my mind is coming out of my mouth.
You'll ask a question and I'll answer 4.
@cptsd @pathfinder there's one thing which I can see now might be me having emotional flashbacks. This is something that's got worse with age. I can't watch violence, even when I know it's fictional. Things like arguments, even if they don't involve me, push me into this state where I feel threatened. And it gets reinforced every time I have an abusive customer at work. Even though I know logically it's unlikely to get violent, my brain is still reacting as though I'm in danger.
I know I got beats from my dad up to my late teens. I can't really remember them in any detail, except two: one when I was about 15. I was fully mute at home at this stage. I was being forced to eat food that grossed me out. I was going through a phase where I loved wearing my sunglasses on my head like a headband. I think I must have not been cooperative enough in eating, and my dad got angry, I remember he flung the sunglasses off my head. I went upstairs and then he came after me, got up in my face and grabbed my wrists tight and yelled at me, asking me what my problem was.
The other time I remember was getting beats in front of all the aunties and cousins. I was in sixth form, so probably age 17. I'd skipped breakfast because of all the guests there disrupting my routine. My dad noticed and he tried to force me to eat cornflakes. I didn't. So he started to beat me. I snapped and kicked him in the shin. He started beating me harder and my family had to pull him off. I don't remember any pain from any of the beatings.
I know they were a regular occurrence. I just can't remember much besides those two. In Year 7, we had to describe our families for our autobiographies. I wrote something like, I love my dad but he is always hitting me. When my mum saw it, she made me scribble it out. Not because it wasn't true, but because social services would come round. So I know that even age 11, physical punishment from my dad was regular. My mum tried to strangle me once, but I didn't even realise. I don't remember feeling it, but my sisters were there and they pulled her off. There are chunks out the bathroom door from when I had to lock myself in to get away from her. She attacked the door with her bare hands enough to damage it.
I don't know if I'm on some level emotionally flashing back to these beatings. There's no visual, just this feeling of danger and anxiety whenever I see any angry confrontation, even fictional.
RationizedInsanity🏳️🌈🇺🇦🇨🇦🇬🇱🇵🇸
Silver Arrows
Kevin Davy