Okay, I'm trying to figure out the character's motivations. They are horny. And also dumb. The girls may be less horny but are also more grouchy at being outside in the woods.

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After failing to play Spin the Bottle with each other, the boys lead the girls to the lake. Mustache Hat Boy and Headbandless Girl (I think?) who is in a Hat Now, making her Hat Girl, board a boat; Mustache hat guy opens a beer, upsetting the Ominous Water God (unseen so far), shaking the boat.

Meanwhile, Headband Girl and Mustacheless Hat Boy are fishing, allowing the girl to berate the boy.

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The characters in this movie keep repeating their names to each other via their gendered complaining, in what is an obvious plot to trick me into remembering their names.

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In a sequence I was not paying attention to, the headband girl screams, leading the boat couple to come to their investigation, and then both girls were eaten by an unseen monster, but the boys escaped I guess, dooming us to spend the rest of the movie with them.

In the next scene, the boys are a cop station and the cops are like "yo sorry your wives missing, we'll do a search" and then casually mention the missing guy who does the dynamite fishing.

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We get a sequence that goes on for a while of dudes in cowboy hats, assisted by park rangers searching the woods. Eventually the music changes from "Lofi Beats" to "OMG Dramatic Music" and they find three naked bodies of the three monster victims. Then the scene cuts to a cop debriefing.

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At the cop conference, the exposition explains that it looked like the bodies were being prepared for embalming and we're not sure why and also we're not sure how they were killed, there wasn't like a puncture wound.

Next, the two hat boys from before are trying to see their wives' bodies but the cops won't let them. Also, the head cop is unhappy that a Bog Murder happened and also that it happened in his jurisdiction.

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Oh wait, the cops have a Science Lady on staff who explains the Bog Murder better... like a needle or something stabbed an artery the victims and siphoned their blood out.

She then suggests to the chief cop that maybe this is a Dracula. She actually says "Could we have a Dracula running loose out there?". Then in another scene a something or other kills a cop.

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In the next scene the dumb boys are buying a gun in a gun store and are mad that the guns laws exist so they can't sell the guns to these out of state weirdos; but then a surprise character who walked off the set of a Huck Finn sequel appears out of the void to offer to hook them up with more munitions.

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Characters in this cursed film:

Explosive Fisherman (RIP)
Hat Guy
Other Hat Guy
Headband Wife (RIP)
Hat Wife (RIP)
Head Cop
Science Lady
Other Cops
Gun Store Clerk
Huck Finn, Firearms Smuggler
Bog Monster (unseen)

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So Huck Finn takes the Hat Boys to a cave witch to learn the secrets of the bog. The witch, who looks and sounds exactly like you'd expect, uses her spooky voice to explain that the bog has a monster that like to drink blood and then take naps, but recently people have been disturbing its naps so it needs to drink more blood I guess.

It has a bunch of names that I forgot, but also, like most of us it sleeps in the bog slime.

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After work, the lead cop, who I am calling "Mr. Garibaldi", is at a 70s trailer drinking party with the Science Lady and another guy who wants to shack up with the Science Lady. I guess she's a widow for a while and so he proposes and they kiss, triggering a candidate for the most annoying overblown music so far.

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After six hours of kissing, the hat boys, now unhatted are yelling at the Science Lady and her fiancee and/or boyfriend, who I will call the Science Gentleman. We get nothing from this scene, as with most scenes in this movie.

After that they go to yell at the lead cop, who says he's gonna blow up the lake with explosives. The Science Lady says this is a dumb idea and they should be cautious, which makes the hat boys mad.

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The cops use like 6 sticks of dynamite to blow the bog up, and I guess they think that worked. But it didn't work and just made the bog monster mad and now its eating people off camera, making Mr. Garibaldi mad.

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I extremely like how Science Lady has a giant poster of the moon on the wall of her office.

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After getting a bunch of people killed trying to dynamite a small ecosystem, Mr. Garibaldi gets on the phone and asks the Cop Distribution System to send more cops to look for all the bodies.

The second head cop asks "What do we tell the Gentry?" which a term I thought that only 19th century British people used to describe rich people.

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In the high school science lab, complete with fake skeleton (yay), the science lady and the science gentleman talk about how the monster put an anti-coagulant into its victims bloodstream. The science lady shows the science gentleman her microscope (which is pointed at slime), and they conclude that the monster is made of cancer. Crystal cancer. That walks, I guess.

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The science lady and science gentleman conclude that the monster has tungsten in it, probably in its pointy bit I think. There's a neat bit where the science lady quizzes the science gentleman, who tries to remember a column on the periodic table, mostly successfully.

Also, I find the high school science lab discussion more amusing than most of this movie.

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Okay, one of the characters had a fun monologue about what strange terrors could lurk in the vastness of a glacial lake, which are thoughts I have when I want cthulu to just show up and do something spooky.

Then some boomer teens on bikes are scared by a monster that I don't think we see. Then we get some other dudes we haven't seen before to don scuba gear and start searching the bog seaweed for the cancer bog monster.

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Our scuba boys discover some Bog Grapes in the bogweed forest and put it on their boat. After which, the bog monster or something grabs them from beneath the bog and eats them.

After shouting advice from the shore, the Science Masters decide that the Bog Grapes are eggs and discuss the safest way in which to stab them. The gentleman wants to stab them in an isolation chamber, while the lady wants to stab them now because she is very eager to study monster reproductive parts.

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After the monster ate a few more people, one of the bike teens (I think) drew a picture of the monster that we don't get to see. But it has a pointy bit.

Hearing about the monsters' pointy bit stresses out Mr Garibaldi, so he does a relapse and starts pouring whisky for himself and the science masters.

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Why does the gun store have a microfilche reader? Was that a common thing in 1970s gun stores?

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Because this is America, the gun toting townies decide that the best plan is to buy lots of bullets to shoot the monster. Which, to be fair, is a reasonable use for lots of bullets.

Meanwhile, the monster eggs they just left outside unattended got stolen by the monster in the night. It is confirmed to have Crab Hands.

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The Science Lady's plan is to make a machine that smells like blood and use it to lure the monster into a trap. The Science Gentleman's plan is to make out with the Science Lady a lot.

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Shout out to my new favorite character, Screaming Country Firetruck.

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We summon like 50 people to the lake to fight the monster via firehoses filled with deadly poison soap. We finally see the monster; it is a fishman with legs. It kills Mr. Garibaldi. RIP.

But, the poison soap knocks it out so we tie it up and put in into a truck for science. It's still alive, so we can study it.

It will probably eat someone else, because unfortunately this movie is not over yet.

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Shout out to my new favorite character, Lake Seaplane. Fuck yeah I love a good surprise seaplane.

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Because we captured a fish monster, we summoned a fish scientist to study it. He arrives in a Lake Seaplane because that's how all fish scientists commute to work. They take him to look at the monster, which is being gently showered, and he decided it looks pretty cool.

They already sent its DNA off to the DNA scientist. He asks why the fish monster is friends with the bog witch and why it didn't eat her. Science Lady furtively takes another blood sample.

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We decide that the fish monster gets horny for human women or something, like the science lady is probably horny for all types of monster boys. While the science gentleman and the fish scientist are hanging out drinking whisky in a trailer, the bog monster wakes up and attacks the science lady; I am unsure if it killed her or kidnapped her to take her to its boggy lair.

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The boys wake up and decide that the bog monster has kidnapped the Science lady. So they send a fleet of rectangular 1970s cars in pursuit, but the bog monster has eluded them.

Their current theory that the bog monster has to "infuse" its mates with its bog juice, and that's how the bog witch became a bog witch and they have to rescue the science lady before she also becomes a bog witch I guess.

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I have questions on why the bog monster would need humans for its reproductive cycle. There wouldn't be humans in North America before maybe 20,000 BC or so, what did its ancestors do back then?

Can the bog monster maybe also infuse non-human hosts?

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Okay, well anyway, our fleet of car rectangles catches up to the bog monster, which has kidnapped the science lady. We kill it with fire.

Then the underwater camera that we paid for goes through the bogweed forest again and finds more monster eggs, which the voice over explains that they will hatch into more monsters and eat more people.

Then the credits roll and we get more lovey dovey music. It reminds me of Enka but less colorful and in English.

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I give this Bog movie 2/5 tungsten monster dongs, because I'm rounding up from 1.5.

It qualified as a movie but made me bored and could have done with half as many scenes and half as many characters.

The best characters were the horny elder scientists. The worst characters were the Mystery Machine fishing trip crew with their gendered whining. The moral lesson is maybe you should just leave the bog monsters alone and not detonate their bogs.

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Oh wait I need to issue a correction; the best character was actually the mysterious bog witch. Shout out to the bog witches, one of my favorite genders.

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@floatybirb bog witch was legit interesting and creepy

#monsterdon #Bog1979