Fishercat

How do I overcome social conditioning to confront assholes?

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Yesterday, I went to the coop with my friend. Arriving at the same time as us was an old white person [coded: woman] wearing a Barbie-pink MAGA baseball cap with a small US flag patch on it.

The coop is a hippy/liberal grocery and social space. I was safe, and in a culturally supportive environment. My friend is a disabled martial arts badass, who could protect me if it came to that. That hat, and the smug face under it made me angry. Which probably it was supposed to.

Despite my anger and desire to confront her, I didn't. I felt stifled by a lifetime of "be polite," "don't embarass your friend," etc.

I'm working on some strategies for overcoming this and know there must be other people here who are/have struggled with the same thing.

What's worked for you?

#Advice #Confrontations #USpol #Fascists
#Anarchists #Psychology #SocialConditioning

Mar 4, 2025 at 4:20pmWeb
Show threadcalendsMar 4, 2025

@Fishercat

What would you have wanted out of a confrontation with her? To provide social sanction so that she would think twice before entering that kind of space again? To show the folks around you that they are not alone in opposing her views? Simply expressing your feelings about her?

I ask because having a clear understanding of what you're trying achieve can be helpful in overcoming conditioning that could hold you back.

For example, if I'm going for social sanction -- along the lines of: if you come in here saying/wearing that, it will cost you, even if the cost is "only" that other people will say things to you that you don't like -- then if the person I'm verbally confronting starts verbally lashing out.... well. *Good.*

We're conditioned to think and feel that if someone lashes out at something we say, that is our problem, and we have to do something to solve it. But in this case, it really isn't.

The verbal lashing out is a sign that *they are uncomfortable*, which is the whole point of the exercise in this case. So, it's working: you've made their anti-social behavior (like wearing a MAGA hat) *their* problem.

I find this kind of reframing -- from her discomfort is MY problem, to her discomfort is HER problem -- can be helpful to jam the signal on the conditioning meant to keep us compliant and complicit.