Mastodawn

David Penfold

Jul 26, 2023

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again. "with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .........

"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!"

#ShaggyDogStory

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𝓓 𝓑 𝓒𝓸𝓸𝓹𝓮𝓻 Aug 4, 2023

@davep
A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman, “Got any bread?”

The barman says, “No!” so the duck walks out.

The next day the duck returns and asks the barman, “Got any bread?”

The barman says, “No!” so the duck walks out again.

This continues for a week until the barman finally snaps. The duck walks in again and asks the barman, “Got any bread?”

The barman says, “No! Now if you ask me that again I’ll nail your beak to the bar counter.”

The duck looks to the left, then to the right and then straight at the barman and says, “Got any nails?”

The barman says, “No!” so the duck says, “Got any bread?”

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Geoff 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

@partnumber2 @davep We had a rabbit come into the pub I worked it, he ordered a pint of lager and a cheese and ham toastie. Same the next day, pint of lager and a cheese and ham toastie. And the next day, and the next. The day after he ordered a pint of lager and a cheese and pickle toastie, but out of habit I put the cheese and ham order through by mistake. He didn't seem bothered.

Didn't see him again, until one night he appeared in the cellar as a ghost.

"You killed me! Mixing my toasties!"

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𝓓 𝓑 𝓒𝓸𝓸𝓹𝓮𝓻 Feb 13, 2025

@_thegeoff @davep

When I worked in a pub we had 2 horses sat at the bar. The first horse says, “I was running in the 3:15 at Kelso the other day and I was last in the field with 3 furlongs to go. Suddenly I felt a real sharp pain in my backside. I raced through the field and came in first,”
The second horse said, “Similar thing happened to me in the 1:30 at Chepstow, trailing the field, pain in the bum, ended up crossing the line first.”
A greyhound was sat at the end of the bar and had been listening in. He said, “Similar thing happened to me in the 9:25 at White City. Last out the traps and trailing with 200 yds to go. Pain in the backside and shot through the field and came in first.”

The first horse looks at the second horse and say, “Do you know what?”
The second horse says, “No. What?”
The first horse says, “ I’ve never heard a talking dog before.”

👀

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Geoff 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿Feb 13, 2025

@partnumber2 @davep (True story not joke)
A pub I used to be a regular in had a competition to see who could string the same joke out as long as possible, and it would generally be used on tourists. The punchline was dreadful. I think the record was about an hour and a half, but an hour+ wasn't unusual. We'd all peer-pressure listeners into staying until the end.
Nobody ever got punched, but it came close a few times.