launching my thread for #ThePhantomPlanet, a movie that I'm excited to watch because I wonder how planets can also be ghosts!
Monsterdon is the thing where we watch an old monster movie every week and make fun of it. Those of you who you don't want to see 9999+ posts about that on your timeline may want to mute the #monsterdon hashtag now.
Wooo... ghost planets... woooo!
#ThePhantomPlanet starts with a nuclear bomb test, and an announcement that this is several decades in the future (meaning I guess at least the 1980s) and an explanation that the moon is now a launching pad for expeditions into deep space.
To illustrate this, we see some asteroids flying by that look like pointy poops. After that we see a galaxy and some planets that look better. I do like my toy planets.
To continue, we learn that this is 1980, and we see a rocket ship flying through space. We then see the bridge / cockpit / control room, where two right stuff looking astronauts are giving a report and repeating words that I probably learned from Kerbal Space Program.
Anyway, then they see a weird lumpy rock and it starts pulling them toward it, then they crash and probably explode. Which is a pretty good start, and how some of my Kerbal launch attempts end.
Aight we go to a cute looking moon base where some army dudes in 1960s looking army dress uniforms are puttering around radios and talking about what the audience already knows... that the rocket dudes found a planet and crashed into it. On the radio, their boss yells at them because that story sounds made up, which makes them mad. Meanwhile, the girls actually operating the radios look worried by this conversation.
A ballet dancer who is also an astronaut walks in, and his name is Frank and I guess he's the designated lead. The colonel tells him to go get in his spaceship and go look for the titular phantom planet, which he does and has a philosophical conversation with his co-pilot on how beautiful earth is and how fascinating that is.
So far I really like the sets in this movie, but I'm a little dismayed that it otherwise looks so much like the 1950s and 1960s... I would rather they poured more wacky imagination into what the future of 1980 might look like and how it might be different than their time... like the British UFO series did with its purple wig uniforms and sleek aesthetics, or Star Trek TOS did with its bright primary colors.
Okay, after floating in space for a while, the radio operator ladies at the moon base report that Frank's Wiener Rocket is off course, causing him to report that they're entering a strong magnetic field which messes with their instruments, and then some meteors zoom by them.
We don't see them hit any asteroids, probably because of budget, but from the spaceship shaking I guess some of them hit.
The astronauts do a quick damage control check and some of their engines were hit by the space rocks, so they decide to do a spacewalk to see what the commotion is, and we get a surprise EVA scene where both astronauts leave the (tiny) ship.
This seems like a bad idea to me to have both astronauts leave, but I am not a space safety expert. They do some repairs, which involve opening a panel and getting sprayed by a fire extinguisher.
Our damage control team concludes that the fuel lines are broke, but while we are fixing them some tiny meteors zap us. The lead astronaut gets back in okay but passes out, but the co-pilot drifts away, muttering a prayer as he floats away into the distance.
After waking up, Frank mutters that his co-pilot is tragically missing. He then sees that the spaceship is being drawn in by #ThePhantomPlanet and stores a report on his cool cassette tape black box thing.
We see a glowing tractor beam draw his spaceship to a soft landing on the phantom planet, which looks like a calcified potato that was trying to divide by mitosis.
After our spaceship was tractored in by the evil potato, Frank steps out on the sandy (???) surface, take a few steps, then passes out and hallucinates, having a flashback and then seeing some dudes in non-space clothes (sort of like scrubs, maybe?) shamble toward him and then touch a glass wall.
They then get spooked and run away in terror, and the camera does weird things and makes chittering noises to let us know that this is Scary, then frank passes out again.
Okay, some weird stuff happened. I think the sleepy astronaut shrunk and now is naked, and then the dudes in scrubs wrestled him. He is now brought to a trial for which they gave him a suit but won't tell him the charges. He explains he's a space explorer and the dudes trialing him are like "yeah we know you're from space. we're not speaking your language but we can understand each other because... um... because."
Types of people at the space trial on #ThePhantomPlanet and their jobs
fancy dude (with necklace) and other fancy dude: preside as co-judges, start explaining things but never finish
fancy ladies in dresses: standing there and looking worried
ladies in dresses: jurors, standing there
dudes in scrubs: other jurors, standing there
prisoner astronaut: defendent, object to this bullshit
#monsterdon We learn that the #ThePhantomPlanet is called Reyton and the astronaut is found guilty of injuring a native, and sentenced to being a normal citizen on this planet. One of the fancy ladies is the daughters of one of the boss people and explains that he's now small because the planet has a funny atmosphere that makes people small, and this is very scientific.
The astronaut is mad at this and wants to go home.
Frank meets the fancy guy with a necklace and asks to go home. The fancy guy says "nope" and asks if he can help them avoid other spaceships encountering their planet.
We get the backstory of Rayton, which became a dystopia because people had too much free time due to automation and didn't do any work, and so they abandoned most of their advanced technology so they can be virtuously primitive (except for their tractor beams and food factories).
Okay, so after a dubiously protestant view of sociology and the effects of automation, that the audience is I guess supposed to find plausible, Frank is immediately offered a wife, because... um... well because. Maybe incels wrote the constitution on this planet and ensured that everyone gets a wife.
He is then given chemically produced breadfruit by the fancy lady, who tells him that his rocket was expelled into space so he can't escape.
Back at the moon base we see the ejected rocket on space and send another spaceship, crewed by different astronaut boys, to intercept it. Amusingly, they receive instructions via teletype.
We get a sequence where one of the rockets parks by another and one astronaut (they didn't send both of them this time), space walks over to the original rocket, entering I guess by opening the airlock door with an unseen clothes hanger.
In contrast to last week's movie, #thePhantomPlanet features a more realistic looking cockpit and rocket interior but seems to have forgotten that rockets point down... the internal layout is more like that of a car with an airlock chamber in the back. The Cat Women of the Moon movie had less realistic looking set dressing but a slightly more realistic layout.
Back on Rayton, Frank complains that work is hard and so the fancy necklace guy gives him a tour of his gravity control center. He explains that their planet is super dense because atoms are different here and this is very scientific. He also explains there's a danger that if their planet gets too hot they all might disintegrate, information that I'm sure he will not regret telling the visitor from another planet.
Frank talks to the mute fancy girl who was offered to him as a wife, and they walk by his spacesuit. He asks why she is different from the other Rayton girls, which she seems to appreciate. Then from out of the spacesuit, another Rayton guy sneaks out and complains that Frank is seducing the mute girl and the other fancy girl at the same time, which is against this planet's bro code. Naturally, he challenges him to a duel.
I do appreciate that when Frank is told to do stupid shit on this dumb planet he first asks what the stupid shit is. I also appreciate that the planet natives at least explain what some of the stupid shit is, even if the answers are stupid or don't make sense.
Okay, so the space duel involves the two contenders getting shirtless and picking up a long rod. They then play reverse tug of war and try to shove the other into a disintegrating plate that will kill whoever steps over it.
This is described as a "test of bravery", which I guess on this planet means "test of muscles". Because he's the designated hero, Frank wins but refuses to kill his challenger, demonstrating the advanced trait of mercy to the Metrons.
The fancy girl who is not a mute says that she loves the astronaut, which makes him mad because he thinks she was just waiting to say that to whichever of the shirtless boys won the stupid duel. He then tries to trick the fancy girl into helping him escape the potato planet; we're not sure if it worked, probably not.
Okay, so the astronaut prisoner wakes up and the challenger guy is holding a knife to his throat, but the astronaut uses diplomacy and tries to get the challenger guy to help him escape so he can have the talkative fancy girl.
The plan now is for the challenger guy to maneuver the planet to around earth's moon so the astronaut can escape and get back to earth.
The plot thickens and the tiny potato planet reports that it is under attack from the Solarities, another intelligence from a "sun satellite" that want to take over the popcorn chicken planet to steal their gravity control device. We are told that we have to stop them or else they will attack earth. I guess they are attacking with spaceships or missiles that look like glowing dart things.
Frank is taken to see a Solarite... which is a rubber suit monster guy with a giant brain and a horn who is mad at being in jail and is thus throwing rocks at the forcefield jail door. The fancy lady explains that there are many inhabited planets but only the Solarites are enemies of the tiny rock people.
I'm hoping some of those other planets are less dismal than the options we have seen so far.
After seeing our first monster in this #monsterdon, we get a surprise space battle, as some burning poop darts attack Rayton with some lasers that sound like guns.
After a brief poll to verify that fighting the attacking aliens is a Good Idea, the necklace guy goes into space captain mode, with the duel guy on the second control station; both of the control stations look like shelves with broken glasses on them that you wave your hands over.
Our space battle consists of the glowing poop darts zooming in circles around #ThePhantomPlanet and shooting it with their guns; several hits end up freeing the Solarite from its jail, but no one has noticed yet.
Eventually, the planet gets tired of this and zaps them all with some gravity wave that reminds me of the ripple guns from Gradius.
So the monster escapes and we learn that besides having an external brain, it also has very big shoulders. Because its not big on consent, it sneaks in to the mute girl's room and starts fondling her hair and poking her with its suction cup fingers. She loses consciousness due to terror and the monster carries her off, because what else is a 1950s science fiction monster supposed to do?
Pretty sure if I was writing the role of monster in #ThePhantomPlanet I wouldn't have it kidnap the girl but instead have it act like a rational sentient creature and focus on trying to escape the planet or steal the gravity drive... both goals that would make more sense in the context of the film.
Oh wait, also in the context of bad decision making, I forgot to mention that the fancy necklace guy after the battle was tired and wanted to make the astronaut their next leader... because he's so smart and has a strong jawline I guess.
This #Monsterdon movie had the quickest monster fight scene, where the monster put the kidnapped girl down, fondled some of the broken glass controls, then ambushed the humanlike people. Eventually they had a fight in the room with the disintegration plates and they pushed the monster onto one of the plates, ending this interlude that could have been interesting.
During the monster fight, the mute girl screamed; now she explained to the astronaut that this cured her muteness somehow and she is in love with the astronaut, so they kiss. Now I guess we have a dilemma with if he goes back to earth or stays on #ThePhantomPlanet, a dilemma I am deeply not invested in.
This dilemma was resolved very quickly as we've decided the astronaut is going, and so the formerly mute girl gives him a good luck charm because she's sad her potential boy toy is leaving. The challenger guy whose name I forgot exchanges a handshake with the astronaut instead, because this movie is not nearly gay enough for him to also give the astronaut a token of affection.
The moonbase detects #ThePhantomPlanet and sends another rocket to investigate. Frank climbs into his suit and reflates to normal size; this is all very scientific. He tries to relay his story to another astronaut, who probably correctly thinks he's hallucinating.
Weird side thought about #ThePhantomPlanet - we've seen 3-4 almost identical two-person rockets and I have no idea what the sensible mission for them would be. Do they carry cargo? Scientific equipment? Are they like couriers? It seems they'd be ill-suited for either of those roles, being rather small and lacking obvious cargo or passenger bays.
My best guess is that they're like light scouts of some kind, or possibly fighters?
So we get back to the spaceship and everyone thinks we were hallucinating, but we still have the pretty rock the tiny formerly mute girl gave us. Anyway, we rocket away from #ThePhantomPlanet, frank convinced that no one would ever believe him, because the story he would tell is too bad of a movie to be believed.
The credits then tell us that this story is "ONLY THE BEGINNING". Thanks, credits.
I give #ThePhantomPlanet 2 out of 5 flaming poop dart spaceships. It is the kind of film that makes you want to write movie scripts, because watching it convinces you that you could do a better job.
Some of the elements were interesting... like the weird underground asteroid fighting a space war with sun people, and the sets borrowed from other movies were nice, but, other than that it was kind of a giant shrug. #monsterdon
Ways to make #ThePhantomPlanet better
* make the solar monsters smarter and more interesting
* make the planet denizens smarter and more interesting
* put more characterization into the characters before trying to set up love triangles. or just don't set up love triangles
* add better reasons for the main character to want to get home and better reasons for the planet people to oppose this.
* add space lesbians. in fact all the characters are lesbians now.
this concludes my #monsterdon thread for #ThePhantomPlanet !
Thanks to @[email protected] for hosting and for all the other monsterdonians for participation, because teamwork makes the dreamwork! (the dream being watching old monster movies)
Floaty Birb