Pizza da CampbelliteI have a houseful of people. I'm not feeling particularly sociable, and I have to work tonight.
So I'm in my room, watching a documentary about two of my favorite albums: 2112 and Moving Pictures by Rush.
I'm going 😡 crazy.
I used to be sociable. I used to enjoy people.
Now I don't.
My wife doesn't get it. Nobody does. Im just the grumpy asshole.
I need to get away. I need to unwind. I have no place to do that because too many people live at my house and I can't deny them a place. I've mentored kids from broken homes in the past and promised them an open door to my house.
But I don't want to do that right now. And I'm the asshole.
I can't get in to see a counselor that I can afford until 25 July. That's nearly 3 weeks from when I began searching for help. I've gone to AA meetings and they temporarily lift my mood.
I tried calling one of those help lines. Since I'm not suicidal, they don't want to help. I tried calling a veteran help line. They told me to go to the quacks at VA. (Long story, misdiagnosis, wrong prescription with life changing effects, can't sue the govt)
Now everyone is mad at me. I'm really trying to keep my cool. But because I don't put of a happy face and join the crowd - which is extremely stressful - I'm the asshole.
So I'm driven to the conclusion that nobody really gives a shit and I may as well just take off.
But I know that's incorrect.
I want to drink. There's a reason I haven't had any in ten years.
I've tried praying, but I don't think God is listening to me.
I used to be sociable. I used to enjoy people.
Now I don't.
My wife doesn't get it. Nobody does. Im just the grumpy asshole.
I need to get away. I need to unwind. I have no place to do that because too many people live at my house and I can't deny them a place. I've mentored kids from broken homes in the past and promised them an open door to my house.
But I don't want to do that right now. And I'm the asshole.
I can't get in to see a counselor that I can afford until 25 July. That's nearly 3 weeks from when I began searching for help. I've gone to AA meetings and they temporarily lift my mood.
I tried calling one of those help lines. Since I'm not suicidal, they don't want to help. I tried calling a veteran help line. They told me to go to the quacks at VA. (Long story, misdiagnosis, wrong prescription with life changing effects, can't sue the govt)
Now everyone is mad at me. I'm really trying to keep my cool. But because I don't put of a happy face and join the crowd - which is extremely stressful - I'm the asshole.
So I'm driven to the conclusion that nobody really gives a shit and I may as well just take off.
But I know that's incorrect.
I want to drink. There's a reason I haven't had any in ten years.
I've tried praying, but I don't think God is listening to me.
First off, thanks to @JulieB, @WordyAnchorite, and @tx_tartan for responding with encouragement. I really do appreciate it, Eben if I don't have time to reply.
I think I figured something out:
1. Mamaw has alzheimers and requires around the clock care.
2. I injured my shoulder in Feb, got a steroid shot, and moved on.
3. My daughter injured her knee and needed surgery
4. I re-injured my shoulder requiring more than a steroid shot, but it took 4 weeks to get thru the system. I couldn't do anything but paperwork at pizza.
5. My oldest daughter had a trip booked and couldn't change.
6. My wife injured her foot and 3 weeks to get thru the system.
During all of this, my youngest (knee injury) had a birthday with friends, and her boyfriend (with whom I have issues anyway) kept coming to the house.
My injury had a lot to do with it. I had to admit "I can't do that," and let someone help me. That was the source of a lot of depression.
Today I returned to work with looser restrictions. I'm training assistants. I'm mentoring another GM. And I felt on top of the world.
I'm chalking it up to my injury which precluded me from being the good husband when everyone else needed help.
Still getting counseling, and still going to AA. But, by the grace of God, better.
JulieB@StoneKamino @WordyAnchorite @tx_tartan Yay!!!!! So glad to hear you're doing better. Keep pluggin' away and we'll keep cheerin' you on, buddy! 🎉 🥳 🎉
Lenten Mass@StoneKamino @JulieB @WordyAnchorite @tx_tartan
Glad to hear you pulled through my man. It's a tough situation, but it sounds like you're taking the right steps back and up, to focus on the things only you can do, and to let others do what they can do. Takes fortitude to know when to bring in the assistants, and also when to ask for help from the Lord. Happy to see you on the other side.
Rebecca@StoneKamino @JulieB @tx_tartan So glad to hear you're having a better day, and that you're taking the steps you need to take care of yourself.
@StoneKamino Do you have any phone numbers of people from meetings that can talk you through this?
@StoneKamino I'm working from a sliver of information so I could be really wrong here: but it sounds like you're the giver/server/ helper in your situation and burned out. And because that is the role you play, you and your family don't know how to communicate well when the giver/server/helper is struggling. Again, I could be totally wrong. I'm just so sorry, buddy.
@JulieB I can definitely say "burned out"...
@StoneKamino I was wondering about that when you said your anger was becoming more of an issue of late. Another option? Call whichever counselor you plan to see, let them know the situation is acute and to let you know if they have a cancellation. And as you are able, meeting up. If that is the one room you're in where more is poured into you than drained out of you, meeting up.
Counting the days with you.
@StoneKamino I'm sorry you're in this place. It's a hard place to be. The wait time for help can be miserable, I know.
What would be helpful right now? Listening? Advice?