Simple example: “Please fill the kettle.”
“How much?”
“A cup for each of us grown-ups.”
*task is performed, and then later;*
“Why didn’t you turn the kettle on?”

You didn’t say to do that! Besides surely if you wanted it boiled immediately you’d have said “boil water” not “fill the kettle”!

I’m not exactly like this now, but only because I have a lifetime of stumbling into this kind of thing. For anything new though, it’s going to happen still.

Overall, it’s definitely a lot, and I am very aware that when I’m actually listening to my body I look pretty uh… well, let’s just say it’s not something you get in the habit of doing when you’re masking.

However, alongside the rougher parts there was really beautiful stuff too, there were little spots of rain that looked like diamonds as they hit the concrete just before fading. I’m glad I’m rediscovering my senses.

An addendum though: hypersensitivity issues are often associated with autism, but many autistic people have no sensory issues, or hyposensitivity.

This is stuff in my autism thread, but that’s because it’s *my* autism thread. Autistic traits and experiences are diverse!

Also I don’t want to lend weight to the “autism is a superpower” idea some people have, I’m sure with focus most people could notice what I can, probably without the discomfort.

Just been told that mastodon doesn’t have a thread muting feature yet, so I’m switching to a collapsed CW so at least the posts are shorter.

tbh I don’t think most of what I’m talking about needs a CW but I this is probably just most convenient for now

Every sense itches this morning, it’s super overwhelming and I don’t know how to turn it back off. If I touch something I don’t like it feels like the sensation is stuck to my skin for a while afterwards.

How the fuck did I deal with this when I was just a child??? It’s no wonder I was so hesitant and reserved about everything.

“Oh, being non-verbal is a super rare thing for me personally, it’s only when I’m beyond stressed and overwhelmed that I can’t talk at all”

Then part-way into this video I see every discarded patron video and every moment where I’ve had to bail out of a stream.

Anyway really informative!

https://youtu.be/V3iqUAo0IeQ

“How the fuck did I deal with this when I was just a child?”

The instinct came back and I remembered - I lie in bed with my head between two pillows for a long time.

So I was going to post about my frustration at myself for masking as soon as I spoke to someone immediately after deciding not to do that, but then I thought about it for a while and I think I only did it to make them comfortable. which is fine so long as it’s not making me uncomfortable.

Then I realised that’s just… what I’ve been doing for a few years now anyway? Weird to think you’ve got shit to figure out but it’s already done.

There’s a pretty overwhelming thought about how I’ve noticed myself mimicking behaviours of autistic people that I’ve seen since so saturating my time with research.

It triggers imposter syndrome where I wonder if I’m not autistic, I just have this habit of copying people’s behaviour and adopting it without thinking.

Then I realise that’s like, autistic.

Which is really awkward when thinking about my identity, I don’t know what behaviour is my own? Most of the new stuff is likely just copied, but also most of the old stuff is too?

I guess that’s true for everyone to some degree though, right? I guess the behaviour that is “mine” is whichever is comfortable for me, regardless of where it comes from?

WRT the “that’s like, autistic.” above,

Specifically that’s a masking trait, one I think I developed to do unconsciously as a defence mechanism. I don’t expect it’s an especially autistic thing, rather that it was inevitable for me being autistic in a certain environment.

(Again, this is *my* autism thread so not everything will be universally applicable.)

It’s fucked up how much that very early shit wired how I approach everything. My very first nightmares were just the sound of him shouting. No monsters, no violence, just a noise that is really loud and scary. Of course I default to trying to be what people want me to be, and mimicking behaviour to fit in, and still have the worry that things will go bad if I make a slight mistake or misunderstanding.

Fuck, what an asshole!

Partially related, I remember at the end of primary school, I showed him my exam results with a bunch of fear.
“What does average mean?”
“It means normal”

I immediately smiled and felt so relieved, my dad said I was normal! Mission accomplished! …but then he continued.

“That’s not good enough.”

Apparently I had to be the best. So for secondary school I managed to get in the top class for every subject and was wound so tight I burned out. Thanks dad.

And now just a toot to change the topic and lose the extra CWs!

Happy stimming! Happy stimming is the best! It’s so fucked up that I held that shit in for so long because it is great to be happy and to feel the happiness in your body!

Random thought about “person first language”, I think it’s fine if the thing you’re talking about can be removed and the person is the same in all ways that matter as a person. Autism isn’t one of those things though.

A person with pizza, long hair, or even big feet is still the same person if those things are taken from them. You can’t remove autism from an autistic person, it’s part of what makes them the person they are.

I will say one of the best things about realising I’m autistic is I can find advice that actually works and experiences I relate to personally rather than hypothetically.

My whole life whenever I’ve sought advice my reaction to it has been “yeah I can see how that makes sense but I think that’s for other people”, and now I know why. Now I get to find things that actually help *me*!

For example, I’m currently in the middle of a shutdown (a thing I now have a word for!) because after weeks of pushing myself on the jigsaws and then autism research, I had a guy in my flat yesterday making loud noises for over an hour to install a fire door.

I’m still in the habit of trying to push myself to work, I want to keep up momentum on my project, but because I know what I’m going through I allowed myself to go much easier even though I took yesterday off.

I’m still a huge mess lol, but now I am actually developing techniques to avoid burnout! It’s so exciting!

I’m exhausted, but excited and optimistic! It’s wild!

What the fuck, not everyone has visual snow????

Are you fucking kidding me?! Whaaaaaaaaat the hell! 🤯

Anyway my first memory of having visual snow is in second year at school when I told my classmates that I could “see the air”.

Anyway this isn’t an explicitly autistic thing, but it’s apparently it’s pretty common among autistic people and I had no idea there were people who just… don’t see it.