George Hammerton 
The boss is going away for the weekend. I’ve got the kids to myself (Josh, 8 months, and Audrey 4.5 years). 👧👶
What could possibly go wrong? 🤷♂️
Parenting update: Josh has already kicked my mug of coffee into my face. The white bedsheets (and me) are now covered in black coffee. 👍👶
Parenting update: Josh has used this time to pull out big fistfuls of my chest hair (OUCH) and been sick down my arm & over the bed. Audrey is watching her iPad (thank God for iPads). 👶🤮👧📺
Parenting update: Spoke too soon, Audrey’s Screen Time allowance is already up. She’s hit Josh in the head with the iPad whilst gesturing with it and she is now crying about it. Mum has been gone for under an hour. 👶👧😭
Parenting update: Kids fed and watered, Josh has fallen asleep on me (success), now for the real challenge – get him into his cot without waking him. 😬
Parenting update: I have been peed on by Josh during a routine nappy change. Entirely unprovoked. 👶💦
In contrast Audrey has made a pasta salad for lunch. 🥗👧
Parenting update: It is 7pm, the kids are still not dressed. I’m declaring a retroactive PJ day. 👨⚖️
Parenting update: Having dumped a full cup of water all down herself, the outraged crying has concluded, and Audrey is now dressed! …in a fresh pair of PJs. How dare water be both wet and cold!💦
Parenting update: Epiphany from Audrey, her eyes wide with excitement, “Wait! Daddy! We can make as much noise as we like! We can even do the rollercoaster [accelerating hard in the car] as much as we like because Mummy’s not here!” 🧐👧
Parenting update: Oh my god. She’s just spilt ANOTHER full cup of water down herself. She’s soaked. Time to get changed AGAIN. We made it 10 minutes. I’m running out of non-waterlogged chairs. 😩💦
Parenting update: Eldest managed to fall out of bed while getting into bed. How?!
Bedtime done. Now to relax by putting the house back together. 🛌👧👶
Parenting update: I was up until ~2am catching up on work but thankfully the kids slept in until 7:07am. ⏰
No significant incidents so far this morning… something must be wrong. You know that thing when a volcano is massively overdue for an eruption and everyone’s just waiting for the big one? 🌋
Parenting update: Josh goes quiet.
Me: *sniff sniff* Uh-oh.
Audrey: “OH YUCK, STINKY MAN!”
Yep, Josh, as I suspected, it’s a Code Brown! Get to The Chopper*!! (*Changing table) GO GO GO. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. 🚁🏃♂️👶💩
Tim 
🇬🇧🇪🇺🇫🇷
Sam@pandapoo the day is young
@purplelime Right there with you, Ron 🤣