Cam

New #logline for my #pilot Fill Count. What do you think?

In a desperate bid for one last shot at baseball glory, an aging slugger teams up with a vampire whose allegiance to his own kind is threatened, as they both risk everything to boost the slugger's performance on the field

Feb 27, 2023 at 2:37amWeb
Show threadJoan AlbrightFeb 27, 2023
@cam "Risk everything" is kind of vague.
Show threadCamFeb 27, 2023
@Lironah damn! Forcing me to articulate what they are risking in a short few words is helping already!
Show threadCamFeb 27, 2023

@Lironah Any better?

An aging baseball slugger risks his legacy by forming a dangerous alliance with a rogue vampire, who offers him a way to boost his performance in exchange for procuring human prey, but both risk death if caught.

Show threadJoan AlbrightFeb 27, 2023
@cam Much. But I don't think you need the last clause. :) "Rogue" vampire does enough, and we can infer the penalty for the other guy from the context now.
Show threaddiscobeezFeb 27, 2023
@cam what does the vampire get out of teaming up?
Show threadCamFeb 27, 2023
@discobeez baseball player has to bring him human victims on the sly. Vampire is on a ban as punishment and will be killed if he breaks the rule
Show threadınvısıble ınkFeb 27, 2023
@cam I felt "whose allegiance to his own kind is threatened is clunky, and "risk everything" vague.
Show threadCamFeb 27, 2023

@dejackson Rewrite better?

An aging baseball slugger risks his legacy by forming a dangerous alliance with a rogue vampire, who offers him a way to boost his performance in exchange for procuring human prey, but both risk death if caught.

Show threadınvısıble ınkFeb 27, 2023
@cam consider ending it at the last comma: We already established risk to his legacy, so the added risk to his life feels muddled (though the stakes may be higher?). Perhaps bundle “life and legacy”? I’m then confused about a vampire’s risk of death. While that hints to an interesting technicality, it doesn’t heighten the drama.